Sunday, April 30, 2006

BREAKING HEARTS AND TAKING NAMES. a failure of character revealed. (repair) (dismantle)

i am going to regret putting this post up here. its pretty late at night and im feeling vulnerable and somewhat dillusional.
i will probably take this down tomorrow. but for some reason i feel compelled to admit my guilt. in some ways maybe this is some sort of bizarre and twisted therapy. i am guilty. i have, and will fail. but i need to get over my superman complex and become vulnerable so that others can learn from my error.

ive come to see what a bastard of a human i have been in my life. i think it all started around the age of 21, maybe earlier. it wasn't sex i sought out in women. ever. it was merely the attention. and not just the attention from humans it was from only females. sad really. actually not even sad, its pathetic. i desired to be desired ironically. and that's it. once i was accepted it was over on some level.

i bought a shirt 2 days ago. it said CHANGE. random that some wear their heart on their sleeve, but modern fashion allows me to wear it on my chest as well. ive worn it 2 days in a row i like it so much.

i have never had a girlfriend that i didn't cheat on. always overlapping. always. being single is a new experience. a good experience. a sad experience to look back at how pathetic i was, merely months ago. i think i did have one girl i didn't cheat on. Ironically sarah broke up with me because she felt i 'cheated' on her by joking around and dancing at some random club with an x girlfriend. though sarah, i did not cheat on you. i didn't cheat on marilyn either. i just remembered that.

i think the simple root of the problem can be traced to the fact i never felt like my mother was proud of me. though i got a lot of attention from her, i do not think it was always the most positive. but i can't and will not blame this on my mom. actually i think its a cop out when people blame all their problems on their parents. poor cowards. they will live their entire life's never knowing that they themselves made the decisions. sad when people cannot take responsibilities for their own actions. but this is my confession, and my problem, and i am simply pointing out a possible root.

tonight i walked by men that couldn't have been but 10 years older than me. hitting on some women. i thought to myself how disgusting. all she is to them is prey. then i looked in the proverbial mirror. i don't want to be that man. single and hunting, years past days he should be making a family. and that's what it is right... hunting. well that's what it looked like anyway.

the other day we played an acoustic show in florida. a very nice looking young professional talked to me for quite a while. she said that her younger sister was a big fan. which i thought was funny.
at the end of the evening she gave me her card and asked her to call her so we could hang out and she could show me around the town.
on the way home i handed the card to dorian. he ripped it up. sorry if you see this M. but i thought you should know.
i don't want to be a bastard anymore. i am not going to hurt anyone anymore. i want a secluded life. i want to grow a beard. i wish i could walk away sometimes. to anywhere. but that's pretty coward of me isn't it.

insane as it sounds men glorify other men that break hearts and take names. from black books to books like "the game" by neil strous. we make it appears so glamorous to tear someone apart, take them for all they are worth, and walk away. i am sure there are several guys reading this that can relate. you have a game or plan on how to sway lips. pathetic is the key word in this dissertation.

i have a lot to learn. i am no where close to who i want to be. i am going to stay a few paces back from any relationship. i have broken a couple bridges, moved to fast, tried to slow down, and crashed. i have a reputation now. undeserved on many levels. deserved on many other bigger levels that those people don't even know about. "from the rooftops". death to seattle high schools.

i walked into a tattoo parlor with joey the other day.
on the wall there was a heart that looked like it had been sewn up. across it was the word repair. and for some reason it compelled me.

like anyone with a problem, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, well here's my admission. and though i am going to regret posting this at all maybe it will help someone admit something they are dealing with or help someone realize that they don't have to get attention from the opposite sex to feel validated. its so very pointless and shallow. be who you are.

as i was walking away from the tatoo shop i remembered the scripture that Christ had spoke "... i have come to heal the broken hearted". then i realized im the bastard that probably broke that heart. i will change. its simply a matter of time. just you wait and see.

repair. dismantled. repairing.
-estaban

amendment.
i guess the one thing i did not do is to say sorry to anyone i have hurt. sure this doesn't amount to much. words are the most meaningless objects i have in your lives at this moment. but maybe this is where honesty and admitting i am wrong come into play. with my heart and shortcomings exposed... i am sorry.


"architecture is but frozen music". - Johann Wolfgang

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

children are blank slates

my brother and i were discussing the innocence of children and he wrote this. its simple but maybe one of the most profound statements of my year thus far. by the way... hayden is my beautiful goddaughter (& niece).

'Every generation is a completely blank slate.
It just occurred to me today that many things do not exist in Hayden's perceptual world.

She has no idea about death, drugs, sex, burns, hate, homosexuality, abortion, cells, atoms, global warming, cancer, insanity, depression, anxiety, betrayal, religion, a perceptual higher power, war... it's no wonder kids are so happy. Maybe Adam and Eve in that garden were just children.

But if they were children, wouldn't it be abundantly predictable that those kids are gonna get into them apples...'
-paul edward

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

anchorandbraille.com

my friend ben harben has revamped anchorandbraille.com and i put up a new song that aaron marsh (copeland) and & did back in the winter break. the song is not mixed or matered but at least you can get some idea of where we are going.

Monday, April 03, 2006

oh, for the probable moment.

while reading this post, i think the most suitable song to listen to would be watashi wa's song ten years and separating...
let me be up front and honest. i have no idea what i am going to write about. i look back at the last couple weeks and try to wrap into words all that i have learned or experienced for some type of reading enjoyment. so instead of giving some psuedo-grandious story i will chop it up into my to-be-expected adhd rantings.
i applied my philosophy that i adopted from leonardo di vinci of being a universal man/women. 'it is better to know a little about alot, then alot about a little.' instead of being one sided when it comes to music i have been exploring the last couple years... but my latest discovery is the blues. my favorite song these last couple weeks has been 'i live the life i love, and love the life i love,' performed by buddy guy. jazz is the pop version of blues, blues comes right out of the abolishment of slavery. its heartfelt lyrics of sorrow are more easily swallowed than the swooning and complaints of some kid and an acoustic guitar from suburbia today.
while in sacramento we played a show next to a jazz club. i went in and met an elderly man named stan, he asked what i wanted to drink and in the spirit of striking up a conversation i asked him to pour whatever he liked the best. i think he was hesitant as to my curiosity into his knowledge of jazz and blues as he probably looked at my hair/skin color and my attire and second guessed my inquiry. i think i overtook him when i named the album playing quietly in the background. it was dave brubeck, and i exclaimed he was one of very few white guys that i would ever listen to play jazz, he laughed, then agreed. we went on to chat back and forth about favorites.
the funny thing about the whole thing is i know so very little about jazz and even less about blues, but instead of living in my callowness i felt i would i could learn more by acting like i knew something, and to hang on every work he had to say. most were opinions, but i was more willing to take his opinions as truth than my own inclinations on the subject. i think that in some way we can learn so much from just the simple pursuit into the unknown.
last night was amazing as well. wondering the placid and exiguous streets of salt lake city at 1 AM on a sunday night can be, well, uneventful.
passing a broad street right off of main st. two hippies were sitting on the bench talking in low hushed voices, the young lady asked for a couple bucks for a beer. instead of letting the probable moment pass by i asked if they wanted to join me and i would buy them one. sarah and josh acted like they were reacquainted friends from some time ago, she had very clear green eyes with just a slant of yellow in her right eye. i loved how inquisitive she was, he was a little more uptight but was very appreciative to the situation that we had just met. i on the other hand wanted to know everything. what brought them here, what did they learn from a life so separate from mine.
sarah clearly could have fit in in the '70's even though the amount of black she wore spoke of living in our day and age. she had a constant smile on her face, and i couldn't figure out if it was because she was trying to act if the whole time was not uncomfortable or if she was genuinely content. for a time in her life sarah worked at a burrito factory to afford the bare necessities to live a life of part seclusion upon a nearby mountain. fascinating. the one thing she said that her time in the mountains had taught her is that there are good people and bad people wherever you go. whether it is in the mountains or in a beach community, whether in a cafe' in paris, or in salt lake city on a sunday night, there are good people and bad people everywhere. noted. i walked away thinking though socioeconomic class, color of skin, or religious differences people are people. we are all the same, some more intelligent, some better looking, some lonely, some quiet, some outgoing, but no matter where we are/or who we are all connected by an inexplicable force called humanity.
and that's where this short novella ends. a lesson in my life learned, and hopefully yours.
your assignment:
first, sometime in the next two weeks find someone you may know or recently met and have them teach you something completely foreign to you. whether its there music, culture, history, or opinions seek them out.
secondly, go and meet a complete stranger and ask them what life has taught them up until this point in life.
please post comments and tell me about who you met and what they taught you.