BREAKING HEARTS AND TAKING NAMES. a failure of character revealed. (repair) (dismantle)
i will probably take this down tomorrow. but for some reason i feel compelled to admit my guilt. in some ways maybe this is some sort of bizarre and twisted therapy. i am guilty. i have, and will fail. but i need to get over my superman complex and become vulnerable so that others can learn from my error.
ive come to see what a bastard of a human i have been in my life. i think it all started around the age of 21, maybe earlier. it wasn't sex i sought out in women. ever. it was merely the attention. and not just the attention from humans it was from only females. sad really. actually not even sad, its pathetic. i desired to be desired ironically. and that's it. once i was accepted it was over on some level.
i bought a shirt 2 days ago. it said CHANGE. random that some wear their heart on their sleeve, but modern fashion allows me to wear it on my chest as well. ive worn it 2 days in a row i like it so much.
i have never had a girlfriend that i didn't cheat on. always overlapping. always. being single is a new experience. a good experience. a sad experience to look back at how pathetic i was, merely months ago. i think i did have one girl i didn't cheat on. Ironically sarah broke up with me because she felt i 'cheated' on her by joking around and dancing at some random club with an x girlfriend. though sarah, i did not cheat on you. i didn't cheat on marilyn either. i just remembered that.
i think the simple root of the problem can be traced to the fact i never felt like my mother was proud of me. though i got a lot of attention from her, i do not think it was always the most positive. but i can't and will not blame this on my mom. actually i think its a cop out when people blame all their problems on their parents. poor cowards. they will live their entire life's never knowing that they themselves made the decisions. sad when people cannot take responsibilities for their own actions. but this is my confession, and my problem, and i am simply pointing out a possible root.
tonight i walked by men that couldn't have been but 10 years older than me. hitting on some women. i thought to myself how disgusting. all she is to them is prey. then i looked in the proverbial mirror. i don't want to be that man. single and hunting, years past days he should be making a family. and that's what it is right... hunting. well that's what it looked like anyway.
the other day we played an acoustic show in florida. a very nice looking young professional talked to me for quite a while. she said that her younger sister was a big fan. which i thought was funny.
at the end of the evening she gave me her card and asked her to call her so we could hang out and she could show me around the town.
on the way home i handed the card to dorian. he ripped it up. sorry if you see this M. but i thought you should know.
i don't want to be a bastard anymore. i am not going to hurt anyone anymore. i want a secluded life. i want to grow a beard. i wish i could walk away sometimes. to anywhere. but that's pretty coward of me isn't it.
insane as it sounds men glorify other men that break hearts and take names. from black books to books like "the game" by neil strous. we make it appears so glamorous to tear someone apart, take them for all they are worth, and walk away. i am sure there are several guys reading this that can relate. you have a game or plan on how to sway lips. pathetic is the key word in this dissertation.
i have a lot to learn. i am no where close to who i want to be. i am going to stay a few paces back from any relationship. i have broken a couple bridges, moved to fast, tried to slow down, and crashed. i have a reputation now. undeserved on many levels. deserved on many other bigger levels that those people don't even know about. "from the rooftops". death to seattle high schools.
i walked into a tattoo parlor with joey the other day.
on the wall there was a heart that looked like it had been sewn up. across it was the word repair. and for some reason it compelled me.
like anyone with a problem, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, well here's my admission. and though i am going to regret posting this at all maybe it will help someone admit something they are dealing with or help someone realize that they don't have to get attention from the opposite sex to feel validated. its so very pointless and shallow. be who you are.
as i was walking away from the tatoo shop i remembered the scripture that Christ had spoke "... i have come to heal the broken hearted". then i realized im the bastard that probably broke that heart. i will change. its simply a matter of time. just you wait and see.
repair. dismantled. repairing.
i guess the one thing i did not do is to say sorry to anyone i have hurt. sure this doesn't amount to much. words are the most meaningless objects i have in your lives at this moment. but maybe this is where honesty and admitting i am wrong come into play. with my heart and shortcomings exposed... i am sorry.