Sunday, April 30, 2006

BREAKING HEARTS AND TAKING NAMES. a failure of character revealed. (repair) (dismantle)

i am going to regret putting this post up here. its pretty late at night and im feeling vulnerable and somewhat dillusional.
i will probably take this down tomorrow. but for some reason i feel compelled to admit my guilt. in some ways maybe this is some sort of bizarre and twisted therapy. i am guilty. i have, and will fail. but i need to get over my superman complex and become vulnerable so that others can learn from my error.

ive come to see what a bastard of a human i have been in my life. i think it all started around the age of 21, maybe earlier. it wasn't sex i sought out in women. ever. it was merely the attention. and not just the attention from humans it was from only females. sad really. actually not even sad, its pathetic. i desired to be desired ironically. and that's it. once i was accepted it was over on some level.

i bought a shirt 2 days ago. it said CHANGE. random that some wear their heart on their sleeve, but modern fashion allows me to wear it on my chest as well. ive worn it 2 days in a row i like it so much.

i have never had a girlfriend that i didn't cheat on. always overlapping. always. being single is a new experience. a good experience. a sad experience to look back at how pathetic i was, merely months ago. i think i did have one girl i didn't cheat on. Ironically sarah broke up with me because she felt i 'cheated' on her by joking around and dancing at some random club with an x girlfriend. though sarah, i did not cheat on you. i didn't cheat on marilyn either. i just remembered that.

i think the simple root of the problem can be traced to the fact i never felt like my mother was proud of me. though i got a lot of attention from her, i do not think it was always the most positive. but i can't and will not blame this on my mom. actually i think its a cop out when people blame all their problems on their parents. poor cowards. they will live their entire life's never knowing that they themselves made the decisions. sad when people cannot take responsibilities for their own actions. but this is my confession, and my problem, and i am simply pointing out a possible root.

tonight i walked by men that couldn't have been but 10 years older than me. hitting on some women. i thought to myself how disgusting. all she is to them is prey. then i looked in the proverbial mirror. i don't want to be that man. single and hunting, years past days he should be making a family. and that's what it is right... hunting. well that's what it looked like anyway.

the other day we played an acoustic show in florida. a very nice looking young professional talked to me for quite a while. she said that her younger sister was a big fan. which i thought was funny.
at the end of the evening she gave me her card and asked her to call her so we could hang out and she could show me around the town.
on the way home i handed the card to dorian. he ripped it up. sorry if you see this M. but i thought you should know.
i don't want to be a bastard anymore. i am not going to hurt anyone anymore. i want a secluded life. i want to grow a beard. i wish i could walk away sometimes. to anywhere. but that's pretty coward of me isn't it.

insane as it sounds men glorify other men that break hearts and take names. from black books to books like "the game" by neil strous. we make it appears so glamorous to tear someone apart, take them for all they are worth, and walk away. i am sure there are several guys reading this that can relate. you have a game or plan on how to sway lips. pathetic is the key word in this dissertation.

i have a lot to learn. i am no where close to who i want to be. i am going to stay a few paces back from any relationship. i have broken a couple bridges, moved to fast, tried to slow down, and crashed. i have a reputation now. undeserved on many levels. deserved on many other bigger levels that those people don't even know about. "from the rooftops". death to seattle high schools.

i walked into a tattoo parlor with joey the other day.
on the wall there was a heart that looked like it had been sewn up. across it was the word repair. and for some reason it compelled me.

like anyone with a problem, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, well here's my admission. and though i am going to regret posting this at all maybe it will help someone admit something they are dealing with or help someone realize that they don't have to get attention from the opposite sex to feel validated. its so very pointless and shallow. be who you are.

as i was walking away from the tatoo shop i remembered the scripture that Christ had spoke "... i have come to heal the broken hearted". then i realized im the bastard that probably broke that heart. i will change. its simply a matter of time. just you wait and see.

repair. dismantled. repairing.
-estaban

amendment.
i guess the one thing i did not do is to say sorry to anyone i have hurt. sure this doesn't amount to much. words are the most meaningless objects i have in your lives at this moment. but maybe this is where honesty and admitting i am wrong come into play. with my heart and shortcomings exposed... i am sorry.

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was intense. Thank you for sharing that.

jessi said...

i hope the women you've hurt can find it in themselves to forgive you. and i'm happy that you've realised what it is that you're doing, and are changing. that takes a lot of strength. way to go, stephen. we'll be silently cheering you on.

Orrin said...

you will be stronger and closer to God when your character is rebuilt. may God bless you and the ladies you've hurt in the past.

sakana bluewell said...

i've learned from my own experiences that experience of hurting someone will be sticking to me, tormenting me till the end. it should be. and the memory of hurting someone is much harder to be relieved from than the memory of being hurt by someone. it should be so.
im not saying i sympathise you more than the girls you have hurt. it isn't my decision to make.
through the experiences of suferring from what i have done to them rather than they have done to me, i've been changing. for example when i get hurt or be treated badly by someone, i try to remember "it is better for me to get hurt, than to hurt. i was fortunate to be the side of being hurt, not the other side" then i am able to save my energy of hating someone, although it is not easy to be thinking like this.

i agree with you when you said that it is a kind of therapy and that we can start with admitting our own problem. even if you delete this post later, you are very brave to confess here. thank you for sharing it. i am sure you deserve to be forgiven.

Anonymous said...

this is great song writing material.

Anonymous said...

I love you.

kris said...

if you've got the time, i've got something i'd like you to read (my blog). you definitely triggered something.

people are bound to faulter in step. you said it yourself, we aren't perfect. and this my dear is no different.

so pick yourself up, and fix yourself fast, because there are still people in this world who need your words...heartfelt sorry's or otherwise ;)

Anonymous said...

men aren't the only people guilty of doing this... i am a woman, and i can be reckless with the feelings of others as well. i have never cheated on anyone, but i tend to maintain shallow relationships with multiple men at once. back in february two of them found out that i was seeing other people and they both felt very betrayed. it was the first time i had actually stoppped to consider what i was doing and how i must have made them feel. i made they think they were disposable, used, unimportant. i was breaking hearts and taking names.

i also lie to men about being interested and i too throw out numbers, never call, or let things fizzle out. sometimes i think i do this to protect them from getting their feelings hurt, but to be completely honest i do it because i dont want to tell them to their face that they aren't right for me. it would be so much easier, hurtful still, but much more honest. instead i just back away like a coward and make the same excuses men make, "im not interested in being in a relationship" "ive been busy" "its not you its me" blah blah blah. i get upset when men say these things to me. i expect honesty. i would rather hear the truth than be lead on, but i do that exact opposite.

i desire to be desired. on some level i think we all seek that validation, whethere it is from the opposite sex, parents, friends, peers. i think it is an elementary way of defining ourselves. i aim to feel satisfied with self love, realizing that i am more than what someone else sees in me, but i am what i see in myself. perhaps it is human nature to feel this way, until we realize, dismantle and repair.

i hope that, like you, i can change. i am conscious of my behavior so i feel i am responisble for what i do. i can no longer claim ignorance.

from one heartbreaker to another, my wish for us is that we never stop repairing

Anonymous said...

Esteban-
I love your writing. I hope that you don't regret what you wrote because if it helps one person, it's all worth it right? That's if your intention was to help others with your experiences.

From one of my favorite songs:
"Come closer now
I know your desire is to be desired
Steal a kiss yet and call us friends
Distance is the thief in which you conspire"

You are human and that's all we can strive to be. Change is a funny thing, we look at the trees outside when the seasons change, we look at infants grow into adults, and see friends come and go in our lives... In my yearbook someone wrote to me, "Don't ever change." In some ways it's impossible not to and in another we can lead a really dull life if we didn't.

It's hard to judge a person by their character, it's sad because sometimes we can be our own toughest critic and we try and do it every day.

Love,
anonymous
(sorry if alot of this doesnt make sense)

marusekmi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
A Living Epistle said...

Oh Stephen, I love you for being so honest with everyone, that is absolutely amazing.

But I would like to discuss your outlook on words. Words are NOT meaningless! Words can speak death and life into a person (proverbs). Jesus Christ is the WORD made flesh. It is through the spoken word that we are reaffirmed which is why hearing the Word is so important in our daily lives. So please do not confuse words as being meaningless.


And besides, your words, this post shows so much about your heart in Christ. It is a 21st century psalm, written by not David, but Stephen. And much like David, God hears your cry.

micah said...

i very much know how this goes because i've been on both sides of this issue. the breaker and the broken and sometimes it's better to be broken than to break, but now it is better to heal.

i hope that writing this does help to ease your pain and that these women can forgive you. it shows a lot about your character and what kind of person you are that you are writing this and publishing this for all to read. i nothing but respect for you.

andrew said...

You are one of the wisest people I have met. There is no-one who doesn't struggle with just about all the things you talk about through your blog but you talk about your experiences in a way that is so encouraging to others. thank you.

In relation to that post, i can imagine how hard it would be in your position... great girls queing up to give you attention yet a relationship with one of them would only ever work if you desire to be a part of their life like they do yours...

Enjoy singleness as you work though this stuff and please keep letting us know what you learn through this!

cheers,
Andrew from sydney

ted said...

Hi Stephen,

We will probably never meet, but I want to thank you for your writings and music, which have inspired me.

Now I want to say thank you for showing your ability to be human, which is the side dogmatic religious people will prefer to avoid discussing or shun. I respect that.

Mistakes are part of humanity, and no one can change their pasts. What we can do is learn from them, and let the people who matter know someday that we have perhaps changed for the better.

The only thing we can do from here is continue to put our feet forward and keep walking the best way we know how.

Good guys are hard to find these days, but I think you'd enjoy knowing that you are one of them.

lulu said...

that takes guts.. first to admitt when we've done something wrong, but the sincere apology and decision to not let that dictate ur future..

awesome, and encouraging stuff, thanx

Ben2theEdge said...

Hey Stephen... I'm a long time reader (and fan of Anberlin), but first time commenter. After I read what you said here, I wrote this:

The problem with dating is that people use it in an attempt to find the right person. This is the wrong way of thinking. The truth is that in order to find true love we have to become the right person. The thinking of a lot of people in relationships is "I'll try them out and see if they fit." And there is some merit to that. I don't think chemistry is an excuse for divorce, but good chemistry does make a marriage easier. Not easy, just easier. However I think ultimately the success of a relationship lies on the character of the individuals involved.

Stop and think about this for a second. If you found your mate by simply trying out a bunch and picking the one you liked best, you would have picked him/her because he/she was the best "at the time." What happens when you come across someone else later in life who you decide is your "real" soul mate? Couldn't you then justify divorce in the name of "true love"?

I think this is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. People believe in "the one." - that there's some person out there somewhere who will make all their problems go away, and they're determined to find him or her no matter how many hearts they break in the process.

The truth is, there is "the one" but He is not who you think He is. His name is Jesus Christ and he's the only one who can fullfill this rather outlandish desire we have to be complete. If we try to gain that from another person we're doomed to fail because eventually we will suck the energy right out of them, and then be forced to move on to someone else.

Love is a partnership. Love is a commitment. Love is a choice. The infatuation we feel when we "like" someone or are around our "crush" is our bodies telling us it's time to have sex. That's not to say it's evil or that it should not be enjoyed, only that it should not be obeyed, and certainly we shouldn't be making decisions about our lifetime partner based on it. Making decisions about our love lives based on emotion is like a sailor trying to navigate by using clouds. Before you know it, you're in the middle of the ocean all alone, and you have no clue how you got there.

Ben2theEdge said...

I should add that it's not addressed to anyone in particular... it was more just personal musings.

Little_Dawn said...

My dad always says, "You have to want to change."
Usually, he's being funny about changing clothes, but it's true. It's all on you.

Anonymous said...

Stephen I'm really amazed of you.....this blog amazes me pretty much 'cause there aren't alot of (famous) ppl(I hope you don't mind me calling you "famous" but you are lol)who talk about their problems or mistakes in public and I know it's darn difficult to talk about your own problems or mistakes in public. Well I guess we first have to come a cropper that we understand what crap we did! -I also had to learn from pain and I can say it was the best 'cause now I think first before I act!!.....and the best is that bad times draw me near to God(and Jesus) 'cause it showed me that I SO FREAKIN MUCH NEED !!HIM!! =)

Hm...I don't know you really well but I can definately say that you are an awesome guy even though you made mistakes.

I pray alot for you and the other guys(Knate, Deon, Joey, Strayer and Keoni) that you are well, for strength and that nothing bad will happen to you. Stay in the Lord my friend!
God's blessings may be with you!
Thanks for sharing!

Love,
Vanse

Meggios said...

It always seems that the grass is greener on the other side. Those people that never get the other sexes attention want it & those that have the attention don't always know if your friends of the opposite sex like you for the way you look or for who you are. Stephen I do believe that God will repair your heart & change you, & will repair the hears of those you've hurt, but it will take time. I guess what I'm saying, is to not shut down & close out everyone that's of the opposite sex, but to let God guide you in your decisions toward one person, whether that means settling down with a beard or not. God will give you the strength you need to focus only on Him & to get your validation from Him alone.God Bless my brother, I will be praying for you.

Asia. said...

wow. thanks for being so honest.
its great that you are willing to share your mistakes and in turn hopefully help others.

Todd Rawr said...

Wow. When God lays it, let it fly. That's what you did, and I'm glad you did. I don't want to be like that either, and if any man does, he is both sick and twisted.

If to love one is to know one, I pray it not be true. For I'm sure we'd never love each the other, if each other we ever knew.

A kid from my school wrote that. I was stunned, and this entry reminded me of it. Not sure why, but maybe you could make some sense of it.

Anonymous said...

it's rather frustrating to me that you are being praised about this post. although your honesty is appreciated, the things that you've done, the hearts that you've broken have forever been scarred. i can only ask--who did you cheat on me with?

Anonymous said...

Honesty is the most refreshing cure.

-isaac

Anonymous said...

SO Stephen, you are where we all are. FInding that life deludes us to illusions that are false. It takes courage to admit that our desires mislead us. It also takes perseverance to allow the TRUE to purify and refine us. Nothing is ever sure than our own depraved nature, yet He called us Saints, in the midst of our depravity.
"M"'s Mentor

alison wonderland said...

what a beautiful apology.

i'm sure that if you had ever wronged me i would be more than willing to forgive you after that.

you're honesty is truly inspiring.

hudson said...

Stephen, this is very ironic to me, because on the same night, I posted something that I too said I would regret posting. Come to find out, there's more people out there who feel the same way, people I had no idea would ever feel the same things. Welcome to the fall man. "i don't want to be a bastard anymore. i am not going to hurt anyone anymore. i want a secluded life", sorry to let you know, but you WILL still hurt people in the future, no matter what. That's life man. Only when we realize how screwed up we truly are, can we fully understand grace. So what's the point then if we're just going to continue to hurt each other? When we learn to let God love through us, and become completely selfless in our love, not expecting anything in return, but loving because we were loved first, then we will cease to place so many 'godly' expectations on others. I don't know, maybe this is all too cliche for you, but that's what was on my heart. Get back up, dust yourself off, and try again- that's what the cross was for. Good luck man.

mistygardens said...

Thank you so much for your honesty here. I would love to get ahold of this t-shirt you speak of, where can I get one? :)

I really admire your wanting to change and your admitting your failures. Especially when you know so many people read your blog. I think we get to feeling so isolated in life, and we don't want to show other people our failures and our brokenness, but there is such a value in doing so. Honesty about our human condition draws people together and strengthens bonds.

I will keep you in my prayers as God rebuilds and restores you, as I know God is faithful to.

Much love to you,
Mel

Meggios said...

"Anyone who listens to THE WORD but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be bless in what he does." James 1:23-225

Liane said...

Listen if its attention you are seeking, come hang out with us old married people in B.F.E. and Koda will give you all the attention you can handle! ;)

But seriously, you, sir, have some balls for admitting all that and saying you are sorry to those you've hurt. I write long blogs all the time and never publish them so I commend you for keeping this one up.

I think subconsciously we all want attention and to be desireable. Now that you are becoming a well known rock star, you may find that you get too much attention (Tatiana! cough, cough), and that what you seek is attention from someone who loves you for who you are, and not because you are "stephen of anberlin". That can be hard to find, and when you do, hold on to it!

We love ya dude - and grow the beard, what the hell. It might be hot! Ha!

~Liane

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for sharing that! I KNOW this will help a ton of people; and I know it will help you, too. I'll continue to pray for you. God bless, Stephen.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad to hear you and dorian are still friends. he seems like a good one to have around. accountability kicks our butt - but in an awesome way.

thanks for allowing God to take you through places brokenness and for being man enough to go to those places of change.

as some famous Christian once said, God loves you just the way you are, but he loves you too much to let you stay that way.

hmm. i suppose you're experiencing some growing pains. the outcome will be good - even better than the television show. :)

my name. said...

i will pray for you, mr. stephen.

Philip & April said...

I am proud of you... -April

Anonymous said...

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? No, it's not some depressed self-help book. It helped me understand that it wasn't my parents fault, they showed me love the way they knew how, but it wasn't the way I receive love. Now I know what ways my fiance understands love and the ways I understand it b/c we all have unique needs for filling our love tank!

Anonymous said...

i find ur entry very honest and it touched me.. greeting from Singapore. ;)

myrealnameis christina said...

hunting: yes it could be that if you are out looking for someone. but the thing is, trusting in Him to bring that right person to you in the right timing; His right timing. these could be the days where He wants you to grow and learn apart from the distraction of a relationship.
grow a beard: i love it.
walking away: its not cowardly in the sense if you need to seclude yourself to get over these things.. its needed and should be done appropriatly.
the game: girls are deffinatly ones to boast on this subject. i agree, it is ridiculous.
be who you are: our only validation should be through Christ. but we all fall to this lower standard and sometimes seek to others for acceptance. then think we have failed if we arent.
"..i have come to heal the broken hearted": you yourself need the healing as well. because you see these faults in yourself, you have the urge to correct them. maybe you need to tweak your aproach to the problem. if you really want the change, commit because you know the truth in the matter. do not falter but hold steadfastly.

"for i have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone."

christina

Carlo said...

You seem like you are searching for something. What do you think is lacking in you that has sent you on this quest for attention, knowledge, culture...change? I sense a jaded tone in your writing as of late. What has life done to you? Or what paths have you taken that have brought you here? Has there ever been a point in your life where you were closer to God than now? If so, who moved? Please don't take this as judgemental. I'm just really curious to find out what has happend and is happening to my friend. We can't forget that before myspace, blogs, ipods, and tours, there were real life in the flesh friends. Don't remove yourself from them.

Your Brother
Carlo

Carlo said...
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Carlo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
shypoet83 said...

"i wish i could walk away sometimes. to anywhere. but that's pretty coward of me isn't it."

No, because even Jesus had to get away to secluded (I can't spell) places to pray...away from people, and the fast-paced world.

You should read 1 John...

I'm still praying for you, and don't worry about being single. Someday God will bring you a great woman to be your wife (if you desire to get married that is...some people don't) Maybe someday through e-mail I'll explain how Josh and I met if you want to hear the story

CookieCutterRebel said...

i'm glad you didn't delete it.

Anonymous said...

this is amazing and i'm glad that you've kept it up for longer than a night because i would've have gotten the chance to read this, which has helped me, like you wanted it to.
i've been trying to blame everything on my parents lately for why i do things because i don't know what else to do. the years of blaming myself, led me to trying to kill myself in any way possible. slowly.. not ODing, just killing myself slowly to the point of being dead inside and hoping to, one day, cut too deep and die altogether. i couldn't take that anymore, so i started blaming my parents for hurting me so much and leading me to that. and that's just beinga coward, like you said. especially the past two days, i've been drilling the thought that my parents started this into my head and reading this has made me understand i need to stop that and i'm just running from the problem. i chose to start cutting, i chose all these decisions that have screwed me up and no one deserves the blame except me. And, it's time, for me to start making a change and allow God to come into my life again and help fix me as well. this doesn't relate to your problem as much as others can, but it still does relate in some ways. and reading your blog has made me realize a lot of things that i've forgotten or haven't even known. it has helped.
and i wish you the best of luck with all of this and i'll keep you in my prayers. you can do it and be repaired. God is always there for you, no matter what.
peace and love.

Anonymous said...

that was one of the bravest blogs i've ever seen. we all have faults, we all weaknesses. i have a friend who deals with this a lot. he has hurt so many girls because he just messes around with them and then ignores their calls for the rest of his life. not exactly the same situation, but the fact is, he doesn't ignore those calls because he's a jerk...he ignores them because he feels horrible. he can't explain himself or justify his actions. he knows what he did was wrong and he's frankly not man enough to face it.
i have faced my own hurdles, trying to leap over my weaknesses and finally become the man God created me to be. i still have many to get over. but i think the boldest thing is that first step. coming clean before the world and admitting that we are not what they would have us be. sometimes we make ourselves sick. sometimes we are sinful and selfish and sometimes we just fall harder than we ever knew we could.
i believe that as followers of Christ we do have the strength and power within us to overcome all of our failures to latch on to our true identity found in Him. His perfect love, strength and faithfulness lives inside us all. but as humans in this world, more times than not, we just take on the more ghastly attributes of this world and become a person that we hate, rather than tapping into our true identy in Christ.
but Christ stands for everything that we need at our lowest points. grace, mercy, forgiveness, hope, joy....sometimes those things seem so foreign. but i believe when we're willing to admit our failures, He's ready to forgive them.
it's not a one day process, but i know that God is doing a great work in you. i do believe you will atone for these mistakes, and i will pray you as you battles these demons on the way out of this.
hurting girls is too easy sometimes, and loving them is always hard. we are selfish by nature, we are sinful by nature. but i again, applaud you for having the courage to come clean, to put your weaknesses on the table and admit that you do make mistakes. it's so much easier to never change. to ignore the problem. why fight a war against ourselves? i recognize how hard this blog was to right, but i thank you for it. i hope these comments are encouraging to you. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" but together we can bathe ourselves in grace, and pray daily to become stronger than our biggest weaknesses.

i'll see you at c-stone fl.
thanks for the great music.
thanks for the always amazing live performance.
and most of all, thanks for being an honest and real person. there are not enough musicians that do that. in fact, there are not enough people that do that. you may be in a group of 10 to 20 at most. these blogs help me to see you in a new light. and you may feel flawed sometimes when you're putting yourself out there, but you're actually displaying a quality that most people have lost...taking responsiblity for your mistakes and having the passion to change.
and i listen to a lot of christian music, and it rule number one is to act like perfect holy soldiers who never make mistakes.
God didn't call us to be liars.
you have been honest and real, and you have laid youself out there, even when it was most difficult.
thanks for being a real example.
-josh

Anonymous said...

Actually, (to poster above me), I just wanted to let you know that there are quite a lot of Christian bands (especially in the Rock and harder/indie derivatives) who have been and are going quite deep, raw, and honest in their music lately.


To Stephen, keep your heart open! You don't need to go into seclusion or anything-- just be careful and let God repair you and the ones you've hurt. I'll be praying for you. God bless.

deb said...

it's funny how people put man on a pedastal just for being open about his aberrations. to inspire is to stir someone up so much so that an action is prompted. and i truly doubt the people that left comments on your blog and called you inspiring were actually moved enough to want to do something. and actually do it.

i don't mean to criticise but i'm sorry if it comes out that way. not my intention at all.

you talked about the root of one of your problems may have come from you never feeling your mum's pride and it is true that you can't blame your parents for all your problems, but i have learnt over these last few months that you are the result of your parents. you are the result of not only their teachings but also what you learnt from observing them, their character and how they react in different situations. the thing is, you can't blame yourself either. the only thing you can safely do is to try and better yourself which is what i think you're doing. i applaud you for that.

Scooby said...

Healing starts with confession. Amen.

- A note from Indonesia

palehorse said...

there are critics everywhere whose words hold heavy words and yet, we are the worst critics our souls and hearts will ever know. i believe that is the truth because i have experienced the weight of my own errors through mistakes.

everyone makes mistakes. i, myself, have made countless mistakes over and over again, but with each trial, something inside us learns another positive lesson, adding fuel to carry us forth. and maybe that's one thing we all have in common - we make mistakes. because we all vary is so many ways we probably don't even realize, so is it fair to suggest that our ability to error equals our ties to humanity?

i admire the your "i need to get over my superman complex." but at the same rate, many have read interviews you've given and one of the things i love about your band is how relative each of you seem, speaking of your dismantling of the rock-star stereotype. i go to the university of redlands and i saw you at mayfest - your set was one of the best i have seen because upon that stage, i watched all of you enjoying life. that is one of the reasons i am a fan of your music - you can sense the enjoyment of life, the pursuit of knowledge through trial and tribulation within each lyric and even through the music, which speaks clearly to me because i'm a musician as well.

so let me just say this man - you can destroy your superman complex, but the rest of us will enjoy what you do despite the mistakes you make. you are a pure soul and it's obvious that you are not taking your life for granted - you love life and God and what's been set upon your plate. to me, that denounces this mistakes of yours because you're human and mistakes are allowed.

thank you for the music and these thoughts - like so many, the music you've made with anberlin has made me a better person.

sj. said...

crazy comments posted eh.
but hey.. i will pray for you and i hope you will keep me in your prayers too.

sarahjoy.

Hilary said...

im sure it was difficult to post this here since a lot of people see it but being able to expose yourself and seal the faults is a good thing. heres to changing for the better and richer lives because of it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, men arent the only ones. I have the same problem. I reel guys in just to feel wanted, i love the chase. But when i have them, I want nothing to do with them, because then it's boring.

i wish i wasnt like this! I can't help it

jen said...

Wow. That is some pretty heavy stuff. But not unsual. It happens. We never mean to hurt anyone. We just are just trying to avoid getting hurt ourselves, right?

And that is the beauty of the Grace of God. He heals the broken hearted. Your heart and theirs. Pain is what makes us realize what a mess we are without God.

BK said...

"...maybe it will help someone admit something they are dealing with ... be who you are."

Thanks man.

Ha, this was my first read of your blogspot and it was timely... There's only one whose attention I try so hard to obtain, and she is an ex. And there is a current girl. And I too am entirely in the wrong... not in the habit of breaking hearts, but enthralled by this one heart that I thought I let go of a year ago...

Anyway, that's my admission... inspired by yours. Kudos to you for that, hopefully I will change too.


(Met you in New Zealand at Parachute, had a brief interview/ chat... hoping you're still coming back out, bringing Copeland??)

xndfv said...

I am also supriesd that your being praised for this. So you seek attention but not sex (yeah sure). All you christian boys want a nice naive vigin to marry, well Stephen how about you leave one then?!. As for mummy not paying you enough atention grow up and get on with your life. You are a role model so much attention comes your way. Be honest, leave the next girl alone until you find what you need inside yourself.
I have been so hurt by men like you over the years and thanks to being seduced, lied to and abandoned what nice christian boy would want me?

To the girl who found out she was cheated on via blogg..... I have been broken up with via sms nice huh?

sum1 said...

takes lots of guts to post someting like that, thanks for sharing, really makes you think.

...just a suggestion, mabye you could sing "never take freindship personal" to all those ladies you hurt. >:-}
...ok, mabye not. >.<

liz said...

thank you for sharing from your heart. Thank you for being honest, it's nice to know that there are guys out there who actually feel bad about what they have done. I've never had an experience with a guy cheating on me or breaking my heart but i've had friend's who've had the hardest time from some guys, keep on going hard for God and your ministry through Anberlin is amazing. I'll pray for you,
liz

Anonymous said...

i was listening to anchorandbraille as i read this, and i started crying. sobbing. it was a release of everything ive been feeling for sooo long. ive been so desperate for attention, starving, feeling so weak and broken all the time. and i end up getting hurt so often. thankyou for palying a part in my healing and my recovery. this post helped me to move past some huge things in my life. earlier in my life i turned to someone of the same sex for sexual attention. and now ive been crazy about ppl of the otehr sex. this helped me so much to start moving beyond those relationships.

Anonymous said...

Wow!!!! That is amazing how you figured that out and are learning from it, and not blaming anyone for it. I too, have had issues with things in my life and at first it seemed so easy to blame others because of things that they did to me...or should I say I let them do to me. But, after I became saved 7 years ago, I began to see things differently.
God opened my heart and eyes and showed me the roots and that I had to make the decision to get better or not. I had to forgive and move on, otherwise my life would never get better.
I think it is easy to hurt ones that we are closest to, because we figure that they will always be there....except that doesnt always happen. I have learned from being treated poorly and treating others poorly that we should treat the ones closest to us as precious gifts and everyday with them as an opportunity to be a blessing to them and love them as much as we can.
And eventhough, there will be problems, let them know that love is always there....always. And to always admit when we are wrong, and apologize.

:)

esteban said...

i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted comments, the song dismante.repair. came from out of this blog and your comments. a special thanks to the person who suggested that this was good song writing material.
-estaban

natalie said...

Ok, I know it's several months after you posted this blog and the new cd is going to be released in less than a month, but I wanted to comment it anyway. I truly do appreciate you posting this blog. I think it shows character in being honest enough to admit this fault of yours. I liked reading it especially because I like the song Dismantle.Repair. so much. Reading this blog gave me a better understanding of the song and the meaning behind it which, to me, gives the song more meaning. I like the song even more because I have a better (but not perfect) picture as to the heart behind the music. I really do love when artists write with heart and when you can truly catch a glimpse of their heart in their music. It makes me appreciate it all the more.

So again, thank you for your honesty, and your writing this blog. I am anxiously waiting the release of "Cities".

Christopher Buckler said...

hey Stephen, I recalled something in your blog about dismantle.repair. or whatnot and i thought id search through here. its neat that you wrote something like this a while back, and i can see it come into Anberlin.
Thank you for everything great you have done for me, whether you know it or not.

Christopher
www.myspace.com/ChristopherBuckler

Anonymous said...

i forgive you. keep on trucking my friend.
ps. now i know what the song is about ;)

aestheticheart said...

wow. this entry made me cry. i used to need guys' attention to feel adequate. i've never been in a relationship, but i've constantly put myself down because i don't get "attention". this entry has really inspired me. thanks stephen.

p.s. and i notice that dismantle.repair. is inspired by this entry. :]

Gabrielle said...

Wow, Stephen. This is a whole new side of you I've never seen before. Well, it's nice to admit mistakes. It's nice to say to other people that you are not perfect. We all make mistakes, but we learn from them. I'm sure you will get through it, and become a better man from it. I have faith in you.
We are all people. No one should be better than another.
I really admire you even more for admitting your mistakes, and owning up to them. You are an inspiration. I love you.
Luv ya,
~ELLE~

Naomi said...

wow?

Phillip LeBlanc said...

The funniest thing happened, I read this post a while back and thought it was awesome and relevant to where I was, so I linked to it on my blog. I buy "Lost Songs" and under the description for the acoustic of dismantle.repair. is a reference back to this post! The acoustic version is my second favorite song off of the new album (first being the Naïve Orleans acoustic).

anyway I just wanted to thank you for all that you do, being able to be real is a quality not many people possess.

-Phill

Theonidus said...

Hey Stephen, I've been a huge fan of your music & lyrics for quite a while. I'm generally critical of music, particularly lyrics, because I'm a follower of Christ, and I watch what I put into me. Now I read this, and this assures me that you are REAL. Sure, we all screw it up. I'm very much like you, in that I lead girls on ALL the time, knowingly or unknowingly. And I generally desire to be desired. That fits me pretty well, actually. Anyways, this blog healed me, and is helping me repair, as God dismantles me. Just wanted you to know that. You were right in putting this up. Thanks.

Stace said...

Your unbridled honesty is touching. Especially to a girl who has her share of a dark past and guys that simply seemed just to prey. It's nice to know that at least someone is willing to own up to their mistakes and failure of character-- not many people are willing to.

The thing is though, I want to apologize to you, for being hurt.

You see, we have to be hurt ourselves before we know how to hurt other people. It's how we learn to be malicious, malevolent and intentionally cruel with our words, actions and feelings.

I'm sorry that you've been hurt.

Hurt and pain is a cycle; always repeating, never stopping. But it's when we break out of this cycle when we learn how to live, love, forgive and hopefully move on.It's not enough to ask forgiveness of those we've hurt and of God, but it's our own inner beings, ourselves we find it hardest to absolve.



Peace and prayers to you.

uncannytraveler said...

i doubt you'll ever read this since this post is a couple years old, but I've been reading your blog for a month or so now. starting at the beginning. every one of your blogs, just, were amazing. i may be too young to fully understand it all, but you influenced me, through your writing and through your music. I also read your blog with all the interviews and after reading the one, hinting about the blog that explained why you wrote Dismantle. Repair. (this song has affected me) i had to find it. and now, I've finally found it. and Stephen? you are incredible. you are the most astounding man I have ever known, (well, technically heard of). i look up to you so much. im sure you've heard this all before, but I want you to know how much you've influenced me. again, I'm sure you've heard this all before, but. thank you. I pray you find your way. God Bless you.

-shelby

Anonymous said...

this is quite an older post, but i just have gotten to it now. thank you so sincerely for sharing that. it's such a beautiful thing to see such raw and vulnerable honesty followed by realizing that you need to change your old ways. i can only love you more for it.

jlrachal said...

I swear, I felt like I was reading something from the pages of my own life. And I hope that this gives you (or others) some hope: I was where you were. I needed the attention of men to feel validated. My problem stemmed from self-image issues that I had since middle school. I am still young, but I have found my soul mate and I no longer have the need to be validated by men. I have my validation: my husband.

Thank you for writing this and not deleting it. It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one. And oddly, I feel lighter. Like I've gotten rid of baggage just by responding.

Thank you. Honestly.

ivy-orion said...

Stephen...
I wish there was an easier way for me to read all your entries on here.
The dismantled can be repaired... what a great thought. Makes someone like me feel not as hopeless as I did about ten minutes ago.
If I could express the encouragement you've shared with me through every song and every entry....
<33333 Thanks...

Alex said...

Stephen,

Two years later, and an amazing blog entry is still being read by people like me. I'm glad you decided to keep it up here.

While my situation isn't exactly like yours, I've been caught up in a similar circle, only I'm not sure I can escape it.

It's weird. I'll get close to someone... then I'll run away, or intentionally hurt them (verbally, of course, although I think verbally hurting someone is the most damage anyone could do...) to ensure a distance between me and the person I've grown close to. In the process, not only do I "dismantle" the person I was getting close to, but I'm also dismantling myself, in a way.

Only, I completely miss the "repair" part. At least you know a root to your problem... I'm not completely sure where mine would be, or where I'd even begin to look.

My most recent victim was a guy named Spencer. Its weird, because I remember listening to "Dismantle.Repair" together, and he made me promise to never "dismantle" him. I obviously broke that promise to him, and myself.

The song now haunts me, and I remember him everytime I hear it. I wish I didn't. And yet, I still listen to it everyday. Maybe in a weird sense, it's a sort of repairing. Maybe I'll never know.

Changing is one of the hardest things to do, especially after you've done something a certain way for so long. So I commend you for trying to change your old ways. Its been two years since you wrote this entry, and I wonder how the change has been.

Anyway, you spilled a confession on a page, and by reading it, I felt compelled to return the favor. Didn't mean for it to be so long, so I apologize for that.

Thanks for letting me write these words here. Hopefully, admitting this is the start of another cycle -- putting one step in front of the other, and on the way to change.

-Alex

Story of a Girl said...

I am glad you didn't erase this. Years later I can read this and I hope that you have noticed a change in yourself.

Elyse said...

the prose you use here is not particularly eloquent nor the topic really that shocking. i read and devour literature endlessly, have read all the classics, all the famous works, yet this is the one piece of writing that continuously and without fail moves me and touches my heart and my soul every single time i read it. probably because it hits so close to home. so thankyou for never deleting it.

Anonymous said...

Stephen,
I'm glad you didn't delete this.
-Ashlyn

Anonymous said...

Just came to the same realization about my own actions. Hopefully you've been able to change since you posted this and that I'll be able to do the same.

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Rafael said...

You sir are an awesome writer. And thank you. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Thank you for helping some of us move on and see the light. Thank you for inspiring an awesome song by anberlin. Thank you.

Indeed, Dismantle. Repair.

ab. said...

I know someone like this. He so badly needs to be loved. And I loved him. Still do. I wish I could save him, because I know that it's killing him. And it kills me to know that I cannot do anything. I cannot save him, nor can I save myself.

aemii lyn said...

this is powerful. as bad of a man as you were, something, no, someone, is healing you. never forget that people care about you and love you for all of your shortcomings.

things are gonna change now for the better. oh, they're gonna change.

thank you for writing music that touches the life of people who are close to fading away, thank you for pulling people like me out of the darkness that we've been stuck in for so long.

thank you for speaking out for those who can't speak out for themselves, whether the boundaries be internal or external.

thank you.

i too have hurt people. i felt a rush from jumping from man to man. i've hurt so many people. i see them now and they're destroyed. they aren't remotely close to the person they were before i met them. i've been hurt as well, but never as bad as i've hurt others. it is something that, from time to time, makes me wish i'd lived in solitude... or never lived at all.

thank you for making music that cries out for help when i am too cowardly to.

Preslee said...

You have no idea what this post means to me. It's beautifully worded and shows so much about you. I love the song that came from this, it's so easy to relate to. Thank you so much for sharing.

Alyssa Ammon said...

Six years later and this post still has an influence. This has really helped me through a mistake I have made recently. I've beaten myself up constantly, but in the end I must learn to forgive myself.

"All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions — it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:3-9