Sunday, December 26, 2004

illogic? 9=240,000,000; the supreme court thinks so.

The question that reverberates through my mind is how does anyone hope to establish any government, that is not anarchy in every sense of the word, based on laws set by a relativist's perspective? Even if a person believes in moral relativism he could not hope to establish laws without hoping that who he governed do not share the same views, or eventually his government would be obliterated by broad interpretations of his law.
Yet America, through its judicial system (namely the Supreme Court) is slowly rising to the occasion with such men as Chief Justice Fred Vinson sitting amongst them.
"To those who would paralyze our Government in the face of impending threat by encasing it in a semantic straitjacket we must reply that all concepts are relative."
All concepts are relative? Relative to what? Popular opinion? yes, that could be a valid argument considering America is a majority rules society. But if it is an opinion to what the individual justice's personal convictions? I must oppose.
The left hold to a "living, breathing constitution," which means they can change it according to what they think, feel, or hold as morality (or immorality). Why, or should I say how, did the Supreme Court feel they could steal from our lips the right to interpret the law according to what the feel instead of the consensus of the majority.

A few court cases which prove this point is; the court making it illegal for students to participate in short student led prayer at sporting events? (Santa fe indep. sch. dist. v. doe) (2000). There is Lee v. Weisman clergy may not lead prayers at public school events. stone v graham 10 commandments taken down from public school classrooms. engel v vitale prayer and bible reading were "stripped" from public schools. Abington v. schlep the court said no to Lord’s Prayer at beginning of school day.
"Once again, in order not to offend a contentious minority, the Court decided to trample the rights of the majority."
-P. Robertson
Here are the statistics opposing every court case listed above
80 percent of Americans favor prayer in school,
85 percent oppose partial birth abortions,
65 percent oppose same sex marriage,
'huge majority' want the phrase "under God" to remain in the Pledge of Allegiance,
94 percent say they believe in (a)God.

Even if you don’t agree with religion of any type being in the school system, you cannot disagree that we as a united America were founded on the democratic theory of majority rules. This majority rule’s principle has since then clearly been replaced by 9 people appointed into office. A few speaking for all is called Dictatorship, why then do we allow these judges to put words into our mouths. hence, 9 speaking for the 240,000,000 of us.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

my top 5 books in 2004

these are the top 5 books that i thought were the most inspirational or educational this year for me personally. none were written in 2004, i just happen to get around to reading them this year, thats all.
1. The Good Earth- Pearl S. Buck; One reason I adored this book was not even the content of well written literature, but the life behind the book. She helped break down racial barriers well before the civil rights movement had taken flight. Her life is a novel of devotion and courage. The book itself is a wide open look at the Chinese culture around the turn of the century. Touching, lifelike, a coming-of-life book.
2. Da Vinci Code- Dan Brown; not for the weak of faith. intriguing to say the least, the last fiction book that kept me up at night in anticipation. Not as factual as just a really good novel.
3. Treason- Anne Coulter; An non-fiction conservative book about the McCarthy era communist scare in the 50's & 60's. Eye opening for all Republicans, convicting for all liberals. Well written, very educational, causes even the bravest New York Times editor to shake in his book. (also see Slander)
4. The Great Gatsby- F. Scott Fitzgerald; A Classic, if 'Catcher and the Rye' is the mother of all coming of age books, this is the father. Tragedy, Interpersonal Communication, Inner Dialog, this book completes the series in the genre.
5. A heartbreaking work of staggering genius- Dave Eggers; This book inspired me, not so much to read more of his works, but to write my own book. i may not be able to do a work of literature as good as his but at least to try: and thus it is on my top 5.

Notable Mention: How soon as never (marc spitz)- only read if you love the band "the Smiths."

excuse moi'?

"Gbagbo’s government claims 62 of its supporters were killed," a recent article sited. Not another attack, not more innocent dead, not more Iraqies dead. But wait, where is Gbagbo? Actually its not in Iraq at all! Its in ABIDJAN, Ivory Coast. This is a colony of none other than the spineless French! Apperantly the French were not happy with the incoming government and decided to take it out on some of the leaders of the Gbagbo’s and their followers. France said they would not stand for "a system to develop that would lead only to anarchy or a regime of a fascist nature."
The thing that i find odd is that we are trying to oust a government who we know for a fact had a system that was in a dictatorship of a facist nature, and yet we had to ask the U.N. for help, and after much world filabustering they denounced us and our efforts.
To put down this goverment(in Abidjan, Ivory Coast) the U.N. pre-emptively sent in "4,000 French peacekeepers (that) would remain, alongside a more than 6,000-man U.N. peace force". If this is not a double standard i dont know what is!
Alot of people believe that we went into Iraq for oil, well where is the New York Times headlining an article that screams "France attacks Ivory Coast for Hot Cocoa." (see article

Friday, December 24, 2004

the season for, well... a bastard.

What makes this the season of giving, who elected it thus, and how do I contest the bastard. Why have we narrowed down giving to just one season? Why are we suddenly more willing to donate time, money, and energy just in the prelude of the day that commercial retailers revere.
I believe that this should be an everyday occurrence, or a least an every day attitude. Others before myself. That is one of the only reasons that brought me to my faith in the first place, others.
I left a church, the last one I have regularly attended, about 4 years ago. Not that I don’t want a home church, but my job does not permit me to do anything on regular basis. ‘New Life,’ as it was called, was a small place of worship just on the outskirts of our small city, here in winter haven. Throughout the tenure of my stay, which was on the upwards of 6 years, I sat through many messages about giving and receiving. The problem was not that they were asking me to give, but where they were putting the money that made my stomach churn. The long list of giving opportunities included, but are not limited to, a sign that lights up both time and temperature, the buying of an orange grove next store, the purchase of the lot behind the church so we can maintain the lake view, asphalt for the driveway, new pews, and equipment for the stage that compared to that of a Universal Studios sound stage.
That was it for me, NOT ONCE was the congregation given an opportunity to help others. The mission field was described as something out of the four walls but not something we as a congregation should be to concerned about. Foreign missions were black-listed, and the poor in our country were only given a chance to marvel at how beautiful the exterior and interior our church had become. My father even started feeding the homeless downtown, and the church would not reimburse him for the food that he bought for them. The sad thing was that my dad was reaching out to this world more in one morning of nourishing these impoverished people than our church was doing in 7 days a week. The church did however allow my dad to store the food in their refrigerators, which is to be said in their favor. But after a few months they said that he could no longer use their refrigerator as it “took up to much room.” I am reminded why I abhor the aesthetic church like the one I attended when listening to the ratings of Robert Schuler defending his multi-million dollar “crystal cathedral.”
“We are trying to make a big, beautiful impression upon the affluent non-religious Americans who are riding by on this busy freeway. Its obvious that we are not trying to impress Christians!{…} Nor are we trying to impress the social workers in the County Welfare Department. They would tell us that we ought to be content to remain in the Orange Drive-In Theatre and give the money to feed the poor. But suppose we had given this money to feed the poor? What would we have today? We would still have hungry, poor people and God would not have this tremendous base of operations which He is using to inspire people to become more successful, more affluent, more generous, more genuinely unselfish in their giving of themselves.”
What is that supposed to mean? I have never read in the teachings of Jesus (or any prophet from any other religion) that the way to entice followers and “inspire people” is to accumulate wealth and material goods as a way of persuading one to join their religion!
The Church would say that a homosexual community appears to mirror Sodom, but on the contrary it is the Church that looks more like Sodom in recent times. Read for yourself, in Ezekiel 16:49-50 (also Isaiah 1:10-17) it says, “Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, surfeit of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty, and did abominable things before me, therefore I removed them, when I saw it.”
Wake up you sleeping Church, for you are slowly becoming the new Sodom. Return to pure religion, ‘helping the widows and orphans.’
-stephen christian

For more information please read “Rich Christians, in an age of hunger.”
Get involved: go to

Thursday, December 16, 2004


many people have questioned my stance on war.
I am not pro-war. i would wish that no one died in this war with Iraq, especially innocent victims. i am in fact pro-American with a Christian conscience.
i wish their was never another terrorist attack nor war in this world but i believe that is unavoidable. i want to be at peace with all men.
i agree with Mr. Arthur Holmes when he writes, "To call war anything less than evil would be self-deception. The Christian conscience has throughout history recognized the tragic character of war. The issue that tears the Christian conscience is not whether war is good, but whether it is in all cases avoidable."(1)
but please note when Paul wrote in Romans
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men" (Rom. 12:18).
but sometimes it does not depend on you and that is when war comes into play.

'War and Sin
Whenever there is war, there are four elements that come together to determine the course of the conflict: government, military, the public, and technology. Behind these four elements of war there are many influences of which religious values (and in our case, Christianity) are only one factor. Yet religion in general, and Christianity specifically, has been a major factor in the history of warfare. There has not, however, been unanimity in the Christian response. While, as we will see, there has been a prevailing Christian perspective or Christian doctrine of war, there have been several Christian positions articulated on war. Each of these positions has a history and each of these positions has claimed biblical authority and support. War, just like any other biblical topic, has been subject to various interpretations. Just as there are various interpretations on war in the future (Armageddon), so also, are there various interpretations on war in the present.

The apostle Paul wrote, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men" (Rom. 12:18). Yet, history and headlines provide ample proof that "peace" cannot always be the Christian response to the evil that people and nations perpetrate. Before we can think theologically about the conduct of war and in war, we must think theologically about the cause of war. In short, we must consider war and the problem of evil. At the foundation of the Christian understanding of war is a belief in the fallen and broken nature of humanity--a belief that all of humanity and every aspect of personal and corporate life are marred by sin and original sin. Our sin nature corrupts international relations as well as interpersonal relations. War is ultimately a reflection of and consequence of sin. The Russian author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who was both a soldier and a political prisoner under the Stalin regime, said of the widespread effects of sin that "gradually it was discerned to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either--but right through every human heart." -see bottom for complete article

Wars are fought on the battlefields of the globe, but they are waged first in human heart. It is in this light that Christian philosopher Arthur Holmes writes, "To call war anything less than evil would be self-deception. The Christian conscience has throughout history recognized the tragic character of war. The issue that tears the Christian conscience is not whether war is good, but whether it is in all cases avoidable."(1)

Christians throughout history have recognized that the formulation of a doctrine of war or approach to war is a theological and biblical deduction based upon the interpretation of numerous passages in the Bible (cf. Eccles. 3:1, 8; Matt. 5:44; 24:6-7; Acts 10:1-23; Rom. 13:1-7; 1 Tim. 2:2; 1 Pet. 2:13-17). How those passages are interpreted determines the position that one holds. There is no "red letter" biblical doctrine of war. Thus the issue is not "what is the Bible's view of war" but, "what view best interprets and reflects the biblical passages regarding war?"

Critics of pacifism note that the principal problem with pacifism is that it misidentifies the morality of the individual as justification for (or morality of) the behavior of the state. At the other end, the principal problem with the crusade is that the church incorrectly identifies itself with the function of the state, and a theocratic one at that...

There is a Christian response to this tragedy but it must be understood and applied by all who seriously believe that the Bible speaks with authority today. What you believe is very important for it affects how you live. The apostle Paul encouraged us to pray "for kings and all who are in authority, in order that we may lead a quiet life in all godliness and dignity" (1 Tim. 2:2). His words speak directly to the issues of warfare, spirituality, and evangelism. As you read the headlines, watch the news, and consider war, do so from a biblical perspective. Christian responsibility is not an option for the disciple of Jesus Christ.'
-By Timothy J. Demy, Th.D.

I know that sometimes war is inevitable, war smears the bible. i dont believe we should go pick a fight, but i do believe we must defend our family and freedom.

complete article

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

miscommuncation transmogrufy's arguments

Problems of Communication:
is the number one problem in opposing sex communication emotion?
we as males are always trying to grasp how the female mind communictes, i even took a 'psychology of women' course in college and came out being even more confused then when i went in. here are basic truths in the communication expierence.
As soon as emotion is entered into the communication formula it seems to be flawed.


noted on
BY Carol Gilligan
Contrary to the descriptive words of attachment chosen by women, men select a vocabulary of self-reference that is clearly individualistic. The male "I" is defined by separation. Men distinguish themselves from others by their accomplishments, and their individual climb to the top is a solitary pursuit.Gilligan notes that these masculine and feminine self-portraits are consistent with childhood fairy tales. The common male fantasy is going forth alone into the world to slay dragons. The typical female dream is an intimate relationship. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty wake up not to be world beaters but to marry a prince.

Gilligan says the male image of going forth alone is consistent with masculine relationship patterns. The average adult male has a wide circle of friendly relations, but no intimate friends. Women picture themselves as part of a closely knit network of intimates; they are in the center of a web of connectedness. The difference between the self-descriptions of men and of women is consistent with a distinction long recognized in the field of group dynamics, Groups need a mix of task-oriented and relationship-oriented members. Males tend to be more concerned with getting the job done; females tend to be concerned with holding the group together.


Women often use communication to get closer to others, while Men tend to use communication to get across information and gain control. When this occurs it can be difficult for men and women to communicate effectively... try to learn from each other so you both can broaden your communication skills.
Setting goals together and achieving them will bring you closer as a couple... They say that the only thing that can let you down are your own expectations. So set reachable goals together and put what you both know together as a couple and reach for the top.


Monday, December 13, 2004

gross blanketed statements on political stance's

i understand these are broad, and not 100% correct all the time; thus stereotypes. i would love to do a psycological examination of behaviors and morals between conservatives and liberals. these are a few that i have observed but can not prove.



the wrong of passage; death

'im just glad she acknowledged God. its a step. if an unfortunate occurance proves God exsists if only to blame him, then reconciliation is at least a possibility down the road. its a step.'

a good book on this subject recomended by my friend kyle is "the problem with pain," by C.S. Lewis in which he explained the book and this topic thus, "it’s a classic clase of “the problem of pain” that c.s.lewis so eloquently delves into in the book of that name. It really does shed a lot of light on this “problem” in that the more unintelligent / lazy thinkers that surround us, fail miserably at acknowledging God in the day to day goings on in their lives, especially taking credit for all blessings or anything good….and then when something like a crisis or tragedy befalls them (which I need not point out these things are not surprises or cruel jokes, we all know the cycle of life and we know we are born and we die – I digress) they blame God…..blaming, I think, is a natural part of the process, dare I call it a rite of passage, during this time."

Sunday, December 12, 2004

political test.

this is really interesting, and i would like to see everyones scores

i was

Economic Left/Right: -0.12
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -0.92

the closest people to me were nelson mandella and the dalai lama, the closest party to me was liberal republicans and the green.
interesting to say the least

Saturday, December 11, 2004

in death we find hate? or what we knew all along...

i have been presented with an opportunity in these last couple days to contemplate life, but more than that death, and its effects.
in the final moments of life, it breaks down what matters most.
IT IS IN LIFE AND DEATH but for a second can see life with the utmost clarity.
IN LIFE: when a child was born you feel what is important, or what mattered. everything else becomes simple details. IN DEATH everything is viewed in finality. everything suddenly means more. stories from the past become askewed as brave acomplishments. failures once held over the other persons head in comparisons are now forgotten. one suddenly is remembered as having more friends than foes, and idle chatter now is every last will and testament. in life, or when things are going rather well on may never really speak to God, or even acknowledge his existance. and for what reason, life is good, there is really no need to search what one doesnt have expect to find. it seems that they are not intrested in pursuing anything with the words religion or an afterlife attatched. but all of a sudden they confide that they are in a moment of desperation, due to a rather negative situation, "mad at God."
WHAT? did they retort that they were mad at God?, but anger at Him would presupose that they believed in the existance in God. to quickly obtain a faith in a previously non-existant entity seems to be popular in American culture even if its to believe in Him simply to hate him, or turn ones back on HIM. people would ask me where God was september 11th and i always wanted to ask them where he was in their lives before september 11th. to invent the invisible to spite seems oddly peculiar to me, almost oxymoronic. those who never call upon Him when life is in normality suddenly scream at Him for help or hatred when things go wrong. The prisoner who blasphemes Gods name when he prayers for a life sentence but then gets the death penalty. but was it God who commited the crime or was it the prisoner? the boyfriend who cries oh God why do you hate me when he finds out that his girlfriend is pregnant, but was it Gods choice to have sex with her or his? the mother who has never spoken to this ficticious "God of the weak minded" in her life, but now cries "i hate you" acknowledging what she knew all along, that there was a God but now she hates him. God never wanted car accidents, he never wanted tragedy, he never wanted hurting children in ethiopia to starve to death, he never wanted AIDS. we did it, we are the culprits, we all would have turned this world into what it has become. the question to ask now is not why but what, what can we learn from this situation, or circumstance. im mumbling now, just questioning.

Friday, December 10, 2004

case 2: abortion

"I believe abortion is not a practice which many, if any, believe to be
"good". At best it is a necessary evil. There are all kinds of legitimate
reasons for the procedure that I would not feel comfortable confronting an
aborting mother over. Such reasons include rape, faulty "protection", or
even terminal diseases which are bound to be passed on to the child. But
then there are reasons which I struggle to accept, not that my opinion on
the matter is of any real significance to anyone but myself. Thank god.
These are excuses such as not wanting a child, or because one's boyfriend/
husband does not want one, or because the father left and the mother does
not want something to remind her of him. There is also the outstanding
return rate to a clinic, over 50 percent of aborters return within a year
for a second abortion. Now personally I hate the thought of a life being
stripped away by a glorified coat hanger, only to have another brother or
sister join them in whatever after life they may go to within a year in most
cases. And then I really start to get confused when you examine the legal
loop holes created solely for this practice. Loop holes like clinical life
beginning with a heart beat, which does not occur until just months before
birth, yet the definition for clinical death is the cessation of brain
activity, which oddly enough starts within a few weeks of conception. All
of these reasons point me towards the pro life side of things, until I mix
my religious beliefs with things. You see I am trying hard to be a
christian and i know this is where my logical argument is throw out the
window. Most christians use the biblical verse, I created you in your
mothers womb blah blah blah. But I am surprised that none quote the most
glorious gift given to man, choice. We all have the choice between that
which is good and that which is evil, now whether you consider abortion evil
or not is no one's business, but what is important is the choice. After all
if it was not for choice Cain would not have killed Abel, Jesus would have
been nothing special, and the devil would still be God's best friend. "I
may not agree with what you say but i will defend to the death your right to
say it." That pretty much sums up my feelings on abortion, I would never
advise anyone to do it if I were sought for council. But I would never tell
anyone they don't have the choice, or that they are wrong for doing it.
After all I believe it is not me that everyone has to answer to when the
time comes, and I don't have time to worry about others mistakes, whatever
they may be, I have more than I can handle on my own."

favorite point "There is also the outstanding
return rate to a clinic, over 50 percent of aborters return within a year
for a second abortion."
to me it doesnt sound like pro-choice anymore but pro-convienence.
my question is this, if there are so many "pro-choice" people out there how come most of the same people are anti-gun, or pro-gun banning. i think hard lined pro-choice people should be a little more honest and call out what they really are pro-abortion, because they dont seem to care about choice on other topics.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

In Defense of Naivete

In Defense of Naivete

"I got an e-mail from my friend David today."
"Oh yeah. What did he have to say?" Shane turned on the blinker and
glanced back to make sure it was okay to change lanes.
"Not much," I replied. "Just that he loves me and that he's praying for
"WHAT?!" Jealousy raged in his voice. I was surprised the car didn't come
to a screeching halt. "Can I beat this guy up?" He obviously wasn't happy
about some other guy telling his girlfriend that he loved her.
"No. Don't worry about it," I assured him, "He's just one of my good guy
friends that I've been working with." He was still somewhat skeptical, but
I continued on, "You know . . . it's kind of crazy that he can write and
tell me that . . . but you can't."

There had been several nights that he had held me in his arms and I had
pondered when the words "I love you" would be spoken between us. I was
ready to say them, but I knew that I couldn't until he did first.

"But Marie, that's different" he defended himself, "And I've told you
before, I promised myself that the next time I told a girl that I loved her,
it would be different. I care a lot about you and I don't want to say or do
anything that might hurt you."

The dialogue continued as we discussed the 3 words for love found in the
Greek language - agape, eros, and philao. And we talked about the passage
in Scripture that begins with the statement, "Love is Patient." We both
agreed, love is far more than feelings that come with eros romantic love;
true love is one of commitment.

A Month Later

After a carefully thought-out evening that started with a sunset picnic in
the Arboretum, we strolled through the city until we found ourselves in
front of Hill Auditorium. The steps leading up to the entrance invited us
to join them. So we walked them together and Shane led me to the base of a
grand pillar - the perfect place for him to sit and hold me in his arms.
And it was perfect . . . except for the passing of time.

The bell tower across the street reminded us that it was approaching
midnight and that we couldn't stay there forever.
"It's getting late. Maybe we should go." I hated to bring it up, but I
knew Shane needed to get back.
"Not yet." He wrapped his around me a little tighter. I didn't argue. I
didn't want to leave either.

"Yes Shane?"
"I had a really good time tonight."
"Me too."
"Yes Shane?"
"I'm going to miss you."
"I will miss you too."
"Yes Shane?"

"I love you."
"Are you sure?" I gently questioned him and internally questioned myself
if I was ready to return the words.
"Yeah I'm sure." So was I.
"I love you too."

And then words were sealed with a kiss and the bell tower joined in the
pronouncement of our love. It was midnight, and the first day of a new
month, and the first day our deepened commitment together.


Saturday, December 04, 2004


"In all honesty, it doesn't matter to me whether or not someone has an abortion. Most women do not have abortions as birth control, but because they simply cannot care for the child for whatever reason. Sometimes a woman becomes pregnant through rape and sometimes through incest. Most of these women do not have the mental capabilities to care for a child under these conditions. There's also circumstances where the mother is in bad health and will die if she haves the child. Abortion cannot be called murder if it's not of malicious reason. BUT THERE'S ADOPTION,which is always an option, and the decision is up to the mother. Most babies that are adopted are white males in perfect health, yes, in today's society! How many parents honestly want to adopt a child with a handicap or of another race, not many. the rest are left to be salvaged through and protected by the state and no child should grow up parentless. A fetus cannot feel pain until the 8th week, therefore if an abortion is performed before then, the fetus will not feel it. if KILLING IS MURDER NO MATTER WHAT: then why is war so justifiable? Our constitution protects the woman's right to choose because a citizen of the US is someone who is born or naturalized and a fetus has not been born, therefore this will never change.
Forget your religious beliefs for a second: now, you're married and you're in medical school, you're wife is working on her masters. already you're tight for money and time and it's just the 2 of you. you're wife is on the pill so that she will not get pregnant until you two are ready. birth control pills are only 99% accurate, which means that 1 out of 100 times conception takes place. So say you're wife becomes pregnant while on the pill but she doesn't know it, so she continues to take the pill. Over the course of a couple weeks, the daily pill tears away at the fertilized egg until the fetus is no more. You're wife just performed an abortion without knowing it - - she used medication to terminate her pregnancy. BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT, yet it still happened, a potential child was terminated by a medical procedure, and in the end, it's an abortion. If abortion were illegal, is it fair this women gets away with it simply because she didn't know...the fetus was still killed? What constitues a "person" making this "person" capable of rights: consiousness, ability to feel pain, ability to reason, to communicate, if it has DNA, what? (hair, blood and fingernails have DNA,does that make them people, or give them rights?) BUT YOU COULD BE KILLING A FUTURE PRESIDENT OR THE PERSON WHO CURES CANCER: true, but you can't determine the potential of an unborn fetus, for all we know, it could be the next Hitler or Manson. Despite all my pro-choice views, I do not, and will never, support post-birth abortion, which is illegal and for very good reasons. Oh, by the way, you need to set up a purevolume or something for your independent stuff because we miss it"

great points ash, very convincing. does anyone else have a reply before i give my oppinion? email me at

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

invitation to the walking corpse

'An Invitation to a Beloved Walking Corpse:

I see past your falsehood and through your royal
cloak. My eyes behold your bilious state. I have
seen the fires of hell illuminate your face, and
still I am not afraid. You seek to steal the
skins of others, but I tell you your own can be
restored. Let me breathe life into your withered
flesh. I am air to your lungs, and a flow of
fresh blood to your quiet heart. I call you out
from the grave. Oh, to live again. To let the sun
warm your icy skin and the gentle wind remind you
God is near. To see with eyes unglazed by the
lie, to run, with life, with joy. There was a
dead man walking. The death march is over. I long
to quicken your mortal body. I will sing to you a
requiem for death, when you defeat it. The crown
of life is yours, and it shines. I will wash your
scarf colored red with blood. It is then you will
stand on a mountain. I will raise your lowly
hill, outside of vanity, outside of disillusion.
This is you, my prince. Stare off into the sunset
I have given you.

Success is a four letter word, indeed.'

if you wrote this im truly impressed and greatful. thank you
for being understanding, and a loyal friend.

on love

"The Reality

The reality is, we are all liars. And if you think that you are not, then
you are lying to yourself. There is no stopping life's continuum. Whether
you want to or not, you are continually changing and evolving as an
individual. Therefore it is impossible to be the same person you were a
month ago. Circumstances, people, God, tragedy and triumph all contribute
to our daily understanding of life. For the lenses we peered through
yesterday are not the same as today's nor the ones we will look through

But for some reason each day we convince ourselves that we know what is
true. So in all sincerity, you speak words of significance. And you
believe whole heartedly that you are speaking words of truth. But then
something happens. Darkness begins to cloud your confidence and confusion
replaces your days' clarity. The words you spoke were true, but they are no

His name was Shane. His lie, "I love you."
He truly did love me, but not my theology.
So he said goodbye and I'm left screaming
inside, "F*** theology!"'


my favorite line is "For the lenses we peered through
yesterday are not the same as today's nor the ones we will look through

i dont think he lied, maybe in the moment he really felt that he loved you. but i believe the english language has to many uses for the word love. hence womens use of "i love that outfit." or anyones 'i love that CD' or 'i love you'. i believe if he could have used the appropriate words he would have said "i am infatuated with you at this moment." and for that moment he didnt want to be anywhere else with anyone else. that would not have been the lie. the problem comes not in the usage of words but the interpetation of communication. his 'i love you' and your thinking of what "i love you' means were on 2 different levels. i am guilty of this also. i think we all are. we need to say what we mean and not neccesarily say what we feel.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Home comments,

thanks guys, it was to good to leave alone.

we were made to wander, estaban. the earthly find homes with whomever their hearts lie, wherever that may be, but it's fleeting. we have no homes here -- they're being built as we speak.

4:23 PM
Anonymous said...
yeah...i agree with the previous comment,but I have to add that I've had some of those same thoughts myself--having to move twice a year in college into all different res halls and houses. i cried the summer after i graduated b/c i just wanted to settle in somewhere. I just wanted roots. I don't at all mind traveling the world and i'm going to, but i think I wanted roots. I think thats what we want. All the stuff that I own--I could take it or leave it. Its not about material things and wanting a house or someplace cool to live. Its about wanting to find a place to rest. I have found that rest as I lay my head on the chest of my savior. However, he gave me a place to lay my head here, too. I have friends who rent from me and I can come and go as I please. Maybe you should buy a place that has three or four apartments in it and you can live in one of them. Then whoever rents from you can pay for your mortgage and you can come and go as you please. You'll still have a place, but you won't feel like its a waste to have a place if you're not there all the time b/c you'll be helping other people and they'll be helping you (financially). It's a good investment anyway! ;-) I'm glad you're feeling the way you feel. I think that means you're about to find what you're looking for. By the way, I'm not trying to simplify this longing for rest by saying the answer is to buy a house. That is only a physical place to rest! Human longings go deeper than that.
When I bought the house, then I cried b/c I realized I was buying a house alone! Relationships are also a place where we can lay our head and rest. No pretending. No having to put on an act. Just a place to settle in and rest. Which leads us back to commenter #1's good point. Ultimately we find our comfort and rest in Christ. The longing for home and a place to rest and completely be ourselves is a manifestation of a greater need. :-) ~SW

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

what is this concept called "home"?

what is the concept of home, for me i found it fleeting. living a life on the road has left me wanting for a place of my very own. i dont have room or space to call my own.
"we wanderers, ever seeking the lonlier way, begin no day where we have ended another day; and no sunrise finds us where sunset left us."
-kahlil gibran
the prophet
in the movie the garden state i enjoyed the conversation in the pool because i felt there was some sense of truth about it. the fact is maybe we are searching out someone else to create the sense of home we so long for from our youth. why do we try so hard to grow up only to grow up and desire the responsibility (or lack there of) when we were adolecents.
life, like love, is a constant contridiction.

maybe that is why people stay in their hometowns. its not a crab hole like we had once presumed, people move back not because they feel that they can do no better, but because they are trying to regain something that is forever lost.
a sense of home.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

why did the young vote not come out? answer below

in an article on msnbc ( and all over television the night of november 2nd they were debating the fact that the young vote did not come out as many had anticipated, being that 10% of people coming out to vote were first time voters, the same number that came out in 2000.
all these bandwagons against bush such as; rock against bush, punk voter, rolling stone magizine, nofx, vote or die, mtv (the most biased of them all), and others couldnt stop bush from becoming president, and im sure today they are wonderng why.
i have the answer.
if you look at the target audience of mtv (12-15 year old girls), rock against bush (13-17 year olds), punk voter (13-18), etc you see a startling fact that the vast majority of the audience that buys/watches their products/programing is under tha age of 18 and can not vote!!!
so next time fat mike of nofx wants to start a rally and rock against anything he might want to try and target some other people besides Mrs. Osbournes 7th grade history class.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

we the walking corpses all dressed in our black tuxedos
and silk ties
who we really are veiled in falsehood.
no one is honest
no one is true
let me unveil who i am so others may learn

i am a walking corpse
look at my mantel of purple attemting to convince you i am royalty.
i am no king but on the contrary a man servant who stole hears and this cloak.
i seek skin like riches so i can feel better about my own corpse.
in self seeking i stumbled upon this crown.
i deserve death but instead found this psuedo life laying in a gutter ordained in these fine clothes.
all an illusion of someone that is not me.
see this halo?
i stole it.
see this glow about my face?
it is the fire of hell behind me thta makes my apperance so bright.
oh the red scarf around my neck, it is beautiful i agree. but it was white until i dipped it into the blood of those i had to crush to get to this hill i have convinced you is a mountian. success is a four letter word, validity is a self serving lie. oh granjure of fame is evasive and is like cigaretts; addicitive, corosive, and in the end will kill you in some capacity. i wish to take off these garmets of self-adoration, but i realize now the only way to come back to life is to reveal the corpse i truly am.

Friday, August 27, 2004


A Blindman once stood upon this corner,
complete with wooden pole,
attached to a medal fixture at the bottom to announce his arrival.
He waves his cane to and frough in the air,
looking for what he can not see.
He tapes the stick upon the ground.
He is in such a foreign place,
now searching for what he can not find.
he wanders a few feet to the north,
seeing clearly that this may not be the correct direction.
East feels better, he strengthens his stride in that direction.
His staff hits pavement, then stone, then gravel
which soon turns to ash.
South then, or west perhaps he thinks silently...
or southwest, but first he must find where he began from.
Aimlessly he wanders,
eagerly searching for something he will never lay eyes upon.
But look! who are all those people following his every move?
A sea of men and women who can all see on their own, but they are all silent,
They do not turn in any direction other then this blind man with an elegant title!
Who is he?
Then i noticed the black thick book in his hand that seems sacred yet unread.
Then catharsis sets in, and the enigma fades,
and i realize this man must be a Pastor.

Ametuer Youth

oh the triumph of man,
to august my friend!
we will march on.
and were we all happy in our ametuer youth?
one would hope.
i wonder if i will want to or could exhange this day for that,
if but one.
i know to run again would be a feet!
and but again i will, or fly?
who knows, and at that age will i care?
i will reminice on a lovers first kiss
and on more innocent times.
oh Tabitha we were free once.
we were young once,
we were free and innocent once.

-Blaise Lawhawne

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

she knows my name.

oh how failure knows me by name.
she follows me from street to street.
her lipstick traces stain pillow cases,
and yet she, relentlessly places my face
upon gravel, and broken glass made of words and deeds.
while bleeding i find friends vanish as ghosts
and the corpse of loves past turn up missing.
realize this;
it is not the success that measures the worth of a man,
but how and if he learns from his failure that set him

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Sunday, August 01, 2004

Billy left behind immortality

Why is it that Americans so crave immortality? Well there is no such thing to my knowledge, yet if we could buy it would we? Are we scared of death or the unknown, and if we are not why do we put such an emphasis on youth? The most confusing, lonely, forlorn years of my life are glorified as "the best years of my life" as one of my high school teachers put it. Was she insane? She must have had a better high school experience than I did, I remember sitting in class after she said that scared, and pissed. "If its all downhill from here i am f#$^@!".

The American Indians and Eskimos revere the elderly in their tribes, they knew that they had great wisdom and many years of knowledge that could better their lives. Now we heave elderly into homes and forget their existence.

I "adopted a grandparent" when I was living in Orlando, it was a class project for humanities but even after the semester was over I kept visiting "Billy". I saw pictures of her when she was young and beautiful, full of life and smiles. She told me all about her life; her marriage to her sailor husband who had fought in world war two and her 2 children. The stories were fascinating, and it was as if a book had suddenly come alive, I hung on every word and moral lessons. I will never forget the day when she taught me my biggest lesson, the end of mortality. She stated somberly that her son only visited her once a year and she had yet to see her grandchild. Billy told me each morning she wondered if she was going to die that day, and if not then, then when?

"Isn’t that why I am in here? I cannot leave, I have no freedom, no car, no self administered decision, and I am in here... seemingly just waiting to die."

The bingo room/cafeteria suddenly fell quiet for me when she said that. The wrinkles on her face were soon covered with silent tears and my heart lay upon the floor where she so subtly crushed it with those few words. No one cared, no one remembered her name, the accomplishments were gone, the awards decayed, her dreams forgotten, the love of her life, dead. Her son didn't care. Her friends, gone.

What is to become of me? Of you?
I am reminded of the Rumi when he said

"When you are dead,
Seek for your resting place
Not on the earth,
But in the hearts of men."

She has done so, for me Billy left me with a sense of urgency to love while I still can, create while my hands are not yet frail, give of myself while my heart is not yet full, think while my ideas are still my own, run away while freedom is still an option and set my course so that one day I may remain in the hearts of men, forever.

how ironic that i was dealing with this same topic one year ago (see first entry of blog in 08/04)

Friday, July 30, 2004

"To me, it sounds as though the point Da Vinci was trying to make somewhat
parallels a point C.S. Lewis makes in his book, Mere Christiantity. This
'everything in balance' does make sense. One illustration Lewis uses is that you can
understand sleep and why it is important when you're awake, but not while
you're sleeping. Or perhaps a more appropriate example is something that i am
often susceptable to: when you stay up late many nights cramming for that
important math exam that carries significant weight on your GPA, you do not see any of
the mistakes ('careless errors' so to speak) that you may make in solving a
problem, no matter how many times you check over it. then when the exam is
returned, now that you have had some time to relax, catch up on sleep and not
worry about the exam, you notice those careless errors that you shouldn't have
made, like adding when you clearly should have multiplied. schools schedule
prolonged breaks throughout the year as a chance for students to relax and get
refreshed. but when we are done with school, we have to learn to control the
balance ourselves. there is no set schedule for your fall or spring break. and
chances are (there are exceptions) there won't be a 2-3 month summer break. umm
that's all i have to say and i don't want to end it so abruptly but i'm not sure
how. so i guess 'the end' will have to do."

first i love your name, how elegant. but... please send me more on the subject of c.s. lewis and balance, i am very interested on what he has to say!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

tao of stephen/ leonardo da vinci

I have always tried to live and enlighten others to my theory of "living in balance", which states; everything that is of the utmost importance, and morally upheld in ones life must be used, utilized, revealed to others, and obtained, in balance.  i am open to arguments and discussions disproving my theory of balance, but thus far have run into little obsticles when one considers the Christian crusades, terrorism in the name of religion, drug abuse, the workaholic's child, alcholoism, etc.

while reading on the life of leonardo da vinci (1452-1519) i discovered he to believed in a theory of balance. Here was a well known painter who thought of a flying machine 400 years before the airplane first took off. He was a sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, scientist, and mathematician. with quite a resume' one would consider him to be an overachieving workaholic, but contrary to belief Leonardo said...

"Every now and then go away
have a little relaxation,
for when you come back
to your work
your judgement will be surer;
since to remain constantly at work
will cause you lose power of judement...

Go some distance away
because the work appears smaller
and more of it
can be taken in at a glance,
and a lack of harmony
or proportion
is more readily seen.
Leonardo da Vinci


Wednesday, July 28, 2004

having writ

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
Omar Khayy'am


Saturday, July 24, 2004


i was reminded of the book "the alchemist" today when it talked about the "whole world conspiring together when you concede to follow your dream". my friend max and christine sent me a gift, which included a book called 'wisdom of the ages' by wayne dyer. here we are on modesty talking about solitude and serenity and the first chapter of my new book is entitled "meditation" and starts out with these two amazing quotes;

Learn to be silent,
Let your
quiet mind
listen and absorb.
(580 BC- 500 BC)

and my favorite...

'All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.'
- Blaise Pascal

On this topic of silence and solitude Mr. Dyer adds this...
"It has been estimated that the average person has sixty thousand separate thoughts each and every day. The problem with this is that we have the same sixty thousand thoughts today that we had yesterday, and we'll repeat them again tomorrow. our minds are filled with the same chatter day in and day out. learning to be quiet and meditate involves figuring out a way to enter the spaces between your thoughts... in this silent empty space between your thoughts you can find a sense of total peace in a realm that is ordinarily unknowable."

atheist at first sip

"The first sip from the cup of natural science makes one an atheist, but at thebottom of the cup, God awaits."
- Werner Heisenberg, nuclear physicist

thanks Lianne for the quote

thoughts for jess on big city solitude

how fortunate you are to live in a city where "losing yourself in the crowd" is an option.  the smaller the city, the more elusive our precious solitude becomes.  in mine, because of the size and the job which i hold, to step outside is to be instantly recognized and instantly hailed.  here lie a few suggestions -- "tips and tricks," if you will --  pulled from the experiences of a jealous hunter of loneness and seclusion:for coffee shops -- the most obvious haunts for those seeking solitude:  choose the darkest, loneliest corner.  don't make eye contact with other loners.  rotate.  avoid becoming a "regular."  if the baristas begin pulling your shots before you are fully through the door, gather your belongings and move onward.less obvious:  the Industrial Part of Town.  most cities have them, and once the steel workers and cannery operators have called it a day, it is yours for the taking.cemeteries:  not for everyone, obviously, but if walking amongst tombstones doesn't bother you, take advantage of the quiet.  the dead will seldom try to interrupt your thoughts with pointless smalltalk.tops of buildings:  amazingly peaceful if you can access them.tops of parking structures:  often disliked and avoided, especially by the package-laden, and thus ideal.parks after dark:  tricky.  sometimes patrolled by cops if there are After Hours rules.  sometimes home to questionable characters.  newer often means of luck to you.  never stop searching.  for you and i, fellow loner, Silence and Solitude is Sanity.

well here is someone that obviously knows more about solitude than I, and my favorite part is "silence and solitude is sanity." thanks em for your thoughts.

Friday, July 23, 2004

I'm trying to write something in reply to "Please do research if you believe or don't believe in evolution and write me and tell me why/why not." buthey, that's no piece of cake *shock* I don't believe in evolution, at least not in evolution as the origin of life. But why..? Well of course I have my arguments but i don't want to get a story like "cos the Bible tells me so - now I have to invent a nice theory that 6000 years makes fit in the I-don't-know-how-many million years of evolution" it is not like that. I know what I believe but it's hard to write it Darwin another language and in a short message. I'm trying, I'm trying. It's underconstruction, like 90% of all the things I'm doing."

please do not use the bible as a reference point on evolution simply because a debate between you and an evolutionists would end quickly in defeat because a macro-evolutionists would most likely NOT believe in the bible, therefore leaving your argument invalid in their eyes. When debating science it is best to use science. Religion with religion. Continue the search. Never settle for ignorance. seek and you will...

is solitude in downtown NYC possible?

"Dear Stephen,
You are absolutely right about the fact that silence and solitude can do a lot of
good. But I find it extremely hard to find that in this day and age. Where I live,
there is nowhere to go to get away from the noise or the phone calls. So what's a
person to do?

Anyways, my question to you is: What do you suggest us busy city kids do?"
-jessi mo

well first i would suggest what is probably the obvious which is to get away, plan a trip to camp a couple hours away, Buddha wondered out of his castle and wondered about the kingdom and eventually out of the city to seek enlightenment, Jesus spent 40 days in the desert and many times He is said to wonder "into the wilderness". So if you can, leave. Get in your car fill up the tank and pick a direction. go. or bus, or train, or hitchhike, etc.
but more realistically i totally understand that sometimes those things are impossible but honestly one time i found solitude on the strip in Los Angeles, though it sounds amazingly odd, sometimes the wilderness can be nothing more than a concrete jungle. here is how
1. get alone- go to the other starbucks where no one is going to know you, or across town where the chances of running into an equations is nearly impossible.
2. turn it off- turn off your cell phone, your 2 way, your pager, your palm pilot, your sideshows, your handheld internet, etc. the coffee machine is the only acceptable piece of metal allowed.
3. make time- you have to set a time where there is no prior commitments, and make it a solid block of time (like 3 hours) so that way you concentrate on the reason your there and spend the other 2 thinking about what you could be doing instead. block off the time from work, "emergency's", and commitments, which are simply distractions
4. bring your own paper- in big cities you cant simply wonder around talking to yourself like you could all alone in the woods... well you could, but you might be misunderstood. bring a notebook or start a journal, put the thoughts down on paper. this helps because later on in life you can see what battles and problems you faced and how you overcame them.  also sometimes thoughts flow better when your writing them out, some things you can get out with words maybe pen might do. i have found this is also helpful because if something pops into my head that i need to do i simply write it down instead of letting it antagonize my thoughts and time the rest of the night.
5. plan a trip- even though all the above steps may help there is something about nature that draws us closer to the infinite. something inside opens, and our mind naturally wonders and has no need for modern technological entertainment when stars and galaxies unexplored are in eyesight. plan to get out of town, make an effort to get away, get all your friends together to go camping, with the intent that at one point in the day you all agree to spend time alone.
6. ask someone else. i am not the expert on solitude just yet... i am learning along side you so if you or anyone else has suggestions please email me, and i will post them for everyone to learn from




Thursday, July 22, 2004

solitude + silence = serenity

previously i believe i quoted a saying that said
"solitude is the furnace of transformation", but i have learned through the course of this week that i believe that it is not only solitude, but silence.
try going one hour with no phone, no computer, no music, no talking, no internet, just you and serenity. i don't think many of you will try it because a lot of us are afraid of the outcome... your afraid of what you might hear in the still,   yourself.
others will start, they will get away into the woods, and then 10 minutes into it their mind will begin to wander and think of 110 other things they should be doing, and 10 minutes after that return home to reply to that email or return that "urgent call". but if you succeed in going an entire hour of silence, not saying one word, in solitude, i think you will find one thing easier to discover...yourself.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Evolution continued

"To Joseph. (meh... Don't post it if you think it's worthless ;) questionnaires mark
words I wasn't sure about)

I've searched too - I have found only parts of the entire answer so I'm still
searching. But a book which helped me much was a book from Peter school. Not saying
that I completely agree with it, but it is at least very interesting. He tries to
prove that the creation is not an evolution, but the opposite: it's a degeneration.
In Eden it was perfect and since then it went worse and worse, that would explain
things like Aids and Sears: new faults in the human DNA. (peters opinion about
mirco-evolution is that it's not evolution but just variety(?)) To me it was a
complete new idea. It has been translated in English and here's where you can find
the first chapter(?): click on
'the book' (it's a horrible site but... you'd just read the text"

Thanks L for writing,
i think evolution is such an amazing topic because people take it as such fact immediately just because their 9th grade science teacher told them it was true. Please do research if you believe or don't believe in evolution and write me at and tell me why/why not.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

letter from a skeptic

"dear stephen,
first thanks for your honesty about not knowing all the answers. I respect the fact that you admit your imperfect, I think we all are and for 'leery' to judge you is sad because it sounds like she was more or less condemning and not encouraging. But whatever. Anyway, to be honest I struggle now with the fact that evolution seems so reasonable, I look at darwins "tree of life" and feel it gives a plausible explanation of how we got here. I understand that you don't have all the answers, but please help, im drowning in doubt."
-joseph "the skeptic"

dearest joseph,
I think you speak for alot of us, when you say that you have become a skeptic because of what you have seen in your high school text books. But here is where I stand. I am a micro-evolutionist-intelligent design-"big bang"* theorist. Macro-evolution is the theory that all things evolve slowly "by accumulating slight, successive, favorable variations' and that 'no sudden modifications are possible." and that right there is the nail in the coffin to darwins theory. Darwin himself knew that there were sudden "explosions" of phyla (or divisions of animals) appear in fossil record. Darwin says that macro evolution happens slowly over time, so my question is what about the Cambrian explosion??? here is the explanation:

"The Cambrian was a geological period that we think began a little more than 540 million years ago. The Cambrian explosion has been called the "biological big bang" because it gave rise to the sudden appearance of most of the major animal phyla that are still alive today as well as some that are now extinct"
Dr. Jonathan Wells

in other words the theory that we evolved slowly over time is not proven true because there are breaks in history where suddenly there appears new animal types, and species. This could be explained by creationism but NOT Darwinism. I encourage you to do your own research on the Cambrian (and other) explosions which basically debunk Darwinism. get back to me on what you discover.

*as originally theororized

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

quote:albert einstein on success.

Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

the greatest success at being a qualified failure

"I have been reading some of your entries, and the first question that comes to mind
is; What makes you so qualified to make these judgements/analyses? I know, you
repeat yourself and talk about not living for yourself and living for others, and not
caring what others think, but it seems that you contradict yourself. The SteVen I
see from afar and the StePHen from the site seem like 2 different people. The March
24th entry made me laugh. Do you pretend to be someone else when you write your
entries? Do you take your own advice? Just wondering."

well first i must say thank you for not only writing me but also reading
i am in no way qualified to write modesty. i am a failure @ relationships
and the march 24 entry was more from people learning from my mistakes than
anything else.
i am human. i have made horrible mistakes in my life. i dont consider myself a good person, if anywhere on modesty i have made
that assumption please tell me and i will erase the entry.
actually, by all accounts, on tuesday november 25th @ 2:13am i wrote

I am a human and I fail. this is a statement to say that I, stephen christian, am not perfect. I am no super hero or saint. instead I am here to acknowledge that I am a failure, like every other human being. I am the least of these, and have made more than my share of idiotic choices in my lifetime. I try to be a man of character but alas, can not say that with any sincerity. but I refuse to quit trying. I now know what it feels like to need Gods grace and mercy, and I would hope that each reader would not think themselves better than to need Gods grace, or think that they are better than anyone else. some have said that I have acted "holier than though", and if I have in the past than I am sorry, for I know that I am no better than anyone else in this world, and am not worthy to wash the lowest of the lows feet... and if through my failures I can teach others to avoid the snares I have so eloquently stepped in then my broken ankles are not in vain. -stephen"

I simply now write what i see, feel, and LEARN. i dont view myself as an advise column but a history book, where others can look back at my life to know what they should not do in theirs. thank you again miss. leery for the inquiry of my character.


behind closed doors of "the rockstar"

thank you for the emails, you made all the difference.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

well i must say how sorry i am for the neglection of modesty. the last three and half months have been crazy, to say the least. i have seen the country twice, and met a ton of people. thanks to all the friends and fans i have met these past few months, you have made this one of the most exciting times of my life.
thanks to: the oviedo kids, the Irmo clan, jim jack andrew anthony and tim from bayside, chip casey brett chad josh josh and brucy from juliana, seth allen roberts lane etc from the wa, youwithoutme *sorry about the crickets, josh and his amazing keyboarding and emoryboard, number one fun and their pride mobile! ashmabash, adam for helping @ otown cornerstone, tay tay, melbourne per diam seth, stewtwizat, jimmy and naomi stori, andy!! *see you soon (soty!), amy for the haircuts, bob from hey mercedes for never returning phone calls! chad johnson for mt hood! phil from story of the year *the best halo player ever! christine husmilo for my LV wallet, clayton fergie for indian food in LA, the MAE boys for putting up with us, FSF for dropping off & aquiring the best singer of all time, Jen seattle for giving us a place to stay and staying on peoples @@%#@ for us! jeremy camp for acountability, jeremy moments in grace for hanging out in DC, DLD ryan for the same, John Bucklew *the funniest man i know* for playing with me on the acoustic stage in orlando, John Frazier for the advice and motivation, Jon LA for ripping us off, Julie tampa for the amazing present, Sarah seattle for the amazing pre show party! Kayla mich for returning my journal kyle circle for nothing, Lori Interview LA for the interview and starbucks, Lori Lenz for getting micheal moore as our co-publicist for the republican national convention! the KICK for stealing the KICKS name *joke, matt spoken for the phone calls! max brain for the education of wine, mel atlanta for running up acenos phone bills, melody agency *without her and JESUS nothing is possible, nick pollice for returning 5 emails and 3 phone calls in 2 months *joke, KYLE Griner for picking up puzzle pieces thank you!!! ryan tallahassee for losing all my tour money, brandon ebel for remaining on our side, Zao dan for screaming at otown c-stone- (secret: im singing on where blood and fire bring rest at c stone illinois) to INEVITABLE- you keep me going, and everyone that i have had the priveledge of shaking your hand, THANK you for coming to the shows, your the reason im still in this...

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Death to Materialism

creating needs and wants where none previously existed.
What do we really need? What do we really want?
and what are the differences between the two?

America is consumed with consuming!
we are rich in material possessions but poor in quantity of time.

Do your realize that you purchase out of fear?
think about that for a moment, we purchase the most modern trends so that others (who we don't know) will find us socially acceptable.
Try buying something you like instead of trying to impress people you don't.
Stop trying to impress people with your stuff and start impressing them with your life.

Simplicity is the answer, become a minimalist.
Why are we so attatched to our possessions?
do we control our possessions or do our possessions control us?
"You are not your khakis" -Tyler Durgen (fight club).

3 ways to kill materialism in our daily lives.

1. buy things for usefulness rather than status
2. reject anything that produces an addiction in your life (compulsions)
3. refused to be propagandized by modern gadgetry/technology/advertising tactics.

Realize that Advertising is created to make you feel inadequate

need less
down grade

Thursday, April 08, 2004

i don't know if many of you know that i have a website where i have put up a couple of my songs. i know they are old but i have not had the chance to record any more recently. but i will, soon, i hope. my friend Ben Harben did this website for me for free, so if your in need of a website contact him at

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I was in 5th grade, my dads job took us everywhere around the United States, I never really had a place to call home until we moved to Florida later down in life. We had just moved to Irmo, South Carolina and I had met neighbor friends who were around me and my brother Paul ’s age. The invited us to go skating at “skaters choice” a local roller skate rink where frequent all night skates were exercised. My parents allowed my brother and I to attend one of these such events, so on a Friday night we left home, with enough money to rent skates, but not enough for speed skates.
It is amazing how that our perception of fashion and self-worth seem to adapt to how others view us over time. We slowly evolve into the words and actions of others pushed upon us in our young lives. We are like a statue, slowly being built by family and peers, the concrete; words. The chissle; our self worth. But I marched to my own drummer in Irmo that night.
Skating to the beasty boys “you’ve got to fight for your right…” I felt that I had not yet in my life fought for the right to party, and I was going to start that night. I didn’t know where the party was, and even if I did I probably wouldn’t have been invited. There I was skating in my brown rental skates in a never ending circle. Tan short pants that made a cheerleading skirt look like a Quaker norm. My shirt was a royal blue button down with 2 parrots on the back which I named that night, but currently don’t remember. My hair was that of a marine right out of boot camp, and probably the brunt of several jokes that night from un-adoring peers, but as for me, I was “fighting for the right”. At that point in my life I had been home schooled for some years, and the concept of “IN” or “OUT”; the word trend and cool had no bearing in my life. I soon learned.
Why do we spend so much of our lives caring about what other people that we may never see again, think? But we do, And such is life.
I recently was discussing with a fellow peer in the music industry why he no longer performs on stage like he used to. He said that for ever 1 person that loved his antics on stage there were 2 that did not. Well @#&@ those 2 other people. We should not be out to win the approval from anyone but ourselves. Some may make fun of the way I dance on stage, and well, now you know how I dance when I’m by myself in my room listening to the Smiths. If those 2 out of three of you don’t like it, don’t come see my show. I can only be myself, and not what you want to be. If I could find another parrot shirt, I would name the two parrots on the back, wear really short tan pants, hit “skaters choice”, and fight for my right.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

"the book of love is long and boring, no one can lift the damn thing it's full of
charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing."
-aimee the cynic.

Then my dear aimee you have never been in love.
One who is in love could never describe love, it is not boring or long at all.
It hits you in the same way a prize fighter would strike, it is unpredictable like weather,
it sees neither race, creed, or background... It sees what is truly there;
uninhibited passion.

Do not force yourself to fall in love, love is something designed by our maker
it comes in due time, and in due season.

do not search for it, It is not a treasure to be hunted or won, it is free and
audacious like wind, or God. We can't see it but we know its there.

Many wars have been fought, many lives have been lost, many hours have been spent, and days wasted on this complicated theorem called "love". You think it is facts and figures, I say it is simple and innate chemistry.

"In the song amazing grace (which I have found memories of from St Joe, laying in grandma's lap and having her sing it to us in church) it says "how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me". I believe many Christians have forgotten that we are STILL that wretch and the only thing that saves us, or makes us different, is that we have accepted Gods grace... We may change and attempt to seek God but that does not make one "good" or better, we are simply STILL that wretch, but a wretch that has exercised grace. Most Christians believe (as I am guilty of in the past) that they are no longer that wretch but one who is simply found and therefore transformed with no association to those who have chosen otherwise."
-Christian Winterset

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

"life is not a problem to solve, but a reality to be desired"

Thursday, March 25, 2004

"i'm new at this writing about 'deep thought' etc....but i'll give it a shot:

i guess i can call your entry on original thoughts a catalyst to what has
been a continuous stream of thoughts of my own--all in one day. One of the more
difficult questions i have asked myself is possibly the hardest and the easiest
question to answer. "Who am i really?" what type of person am i? i have been
observing people lately, and have noticed how many people change according to
who they are surrounded by. my immediate reaction is 'why can't they be
themselves around everyone? they are being fake.'
and then my hypocricy smacks me in the face.
i am the exact same way. i am my own chamelion--changing to fit in wherever i
am. i have tried to counteract this by telling myself that i am going to
start being myself around everyone. i will voice my opinions as i see fit. i am
going to go up to that person who is causing problems for everyone and tell it
like it is (excuse the cliche). i get pumped and excited about the "new me--the
real me" that is emerging, waiting anxiously to just burst out of me. "
then i go to school..."
Things are about to change even more. you are 2 months away from graduating High School, you are going to college soon, realize that your freshman year of college is the biggest change you undergo perhaps in your entire lifetime. you are going to be away from your parents, your current peers (which have taught you that popularity is essential but in all reality it is soon to be pointless since no one cares who you were in high school now that your at college), and the umbrella of safety you had living at home. Everything is going to change, your environment, what you knew as "home", its all going to change. now its you against the world, those beliefs that you held so dear throughout high school are going to change, now they are going to begin to get challenged where they may have been the social norm in your community. not everyone is going to believe how you believe and practice what you have preached in the past. it is easy not to be addicted to heroin when no one is offering it to you. in other words everything is about to be accessible. sex, drugs, drinking, doubt, etc. were probably easy to battle off because your bubble (or circle of friends) were not participating, or even exposed to such things. So what do you do? You have to figure out what you believe and then stand by it. You have to learn, grow, and adapt. you have to become YOU. It is in doubt that we learn faith, it is fear of the unknown that we truly find safety, it is in the acceptance of ignorance that we begin to find a thirst for knowledge, it is in life experiences that you find... YOU. the future is nothing to be scared of, it is beautiful, and full of moments one will never forget. do not be scared of failure, for it is there that we can easily learn from our mistakes, and help others not to stumble in this long journey we call life.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

'Dear Stephen,

There's been a lot of talk about fated love and even love at first sight on
the Modesty Writer's Guild and that really got me thinking about what love is.
How do you distinguish between infatuation and true love? Both sentiments, you
feel viscerally down to the marrow in your bones, but which is which?

I crush really easily. I remember my very first one being in kindergarten,
however as I got older I started to have these consuming crushes that I easily
mistook for fated love. Those crushes where you can barely function and you
spend you days dreamily lying on your bed thinking of this person, looking at
their pictures, mapping out your future together, and making silly little
connections that deem your infatuation written in the stars. Along with this is that
anxious feeling that drives you insane--this is not love. It's more like mad
cow disease where your brain turns into mush. Oh how I've suffered.

So I'd venture to say that love is when you don't feel anxious and on the
edge of your sanity, but rather love is marked by poise and stability. You can
function and you just have this joy in your heart when you think about that
person, but it doesn't consume you. It doesn't have those extreme highs and lows
of infatuation; instead true love is quite linear because you are confident in
the sentiment. You know it's real and there's no need to map out your future,
constantly look at pictures, and make silly little connections because you
trust that your future together will map itself, no pictures are needed because
there's one in your heart, and you needn't make connections because it's
already there. I guess to conclude it means that once you lose that confidence and
you lose your poise, that love no longer exists and it's time to move on.

Isn't it amazing what wisdom comes with failed relationships? To add to the
fated love discussion, I really thought that I'd found that 2 years ago. The
way I got together with my ex was practically magnetic. Our hands just met
during a car ride back to the cabin after snowboarding, and we seemed to remain
attached at the hip during our summer together. I was born on his parents'
anniversary, he was born on my parents' anniversary. It all seemed so fantastic and
cosmically-aligned during the year and a half we were together, then reality
set in. I was ahead of him in terms of our career paths and he started to blame
me for his academic difficulties. I guess while our love seemed so seamless,
even indestructible at one point, our differences in priorities and even the
perceivably niggling problems I tried to shelf out of existence came back to
haunt me when the relationship fell to pieces. So while I'd like to believe in a
fated love, I realize that there are certain character-based requirements
that one should never ever yield. So for me, choice is the front-runnerâ€∫unless of
course my soulmate turns out to be perfect.'

your initial question is what is the difference between love and infatuation.
well infatuation i believe is all inclusive with some sort of mixture of chemistry and hormones. i believe that there is a stage in a relationship where infatuation is necessary, its the mindset that you can not help yourself but think of that other person, every thought, every feeling/emotion, every future plan, all includes them somewhere in the picture. i think those all consuming feeling can lead to love but do not necessarily include love. i think love is a choice. those butterflies will not always be there, waking up beside that other person will not always be the desired choice. when you are upset, when they hurt you, when they abuse your love, when they aren't there when they need you, when your unconditional love is suddenly tested... that is where love is prevalent. i have always thought of relationships like this;
months 1-3 is the infatuation stage (the other person can do no wrong)
months 4-7 are the breaking down of the walls, starting to see the flaws.
months 8-12 are who the other person really is, if they were putting on a show that entire time you start to see behind the scenes. how genuine is this person?
months 13-? if you do not think you could spend the rest of your life with this person then what are you doing here? if there are still doubts then you are leading that other person on and have some deep seeded issues with co-dependence, or fear of being alone. get some therapy and break up with that other person. please!(for both your sakes!)

who really knows what love is? it is like the wind, or GOD, we have never seen either but we know that they exist. it is the cause for many broken hearts and yet completeness. I think it is amazing that the english language is one of the only language's that has only one word for "love". I also think it is a word that is abused in our society. how can you tell your dad/mom/relative that you love them, and then within the hour say "i love your shoes", "or don't you just love that book?". are we not stating that this thought/feeling can be attributed to both someone we deeply care about and also a nice looking inanimate object? many songs have been written about this experience called love, but in the words of christian winterset "i love you means more if first said tomorrow." in other words don't throw the phrase i love you around haphazardly. wait until you have seen behind the scenes, and they have truly proven that they are not a mere actor/actress. for if "all the world is a stage", then love is the inspiration for each and every individual performance.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

how amazing to meet new people.
to hear new ideas, new passions, new loves.
sometimes i think im alone in thought. but i wonder now when the day of the last original thought was. every thought that i conjure has probably been thought many centuries before. thoughts of love and war, breaking hearts and getting heartbroken, of philosphys and theologies, etc. the beautiful thing is talking with others and hearing things that they have learned in their lifetimes which is proabably not an original thought but, it is an original thought to me. I just learned that St. Patrick was not from Ireland after all but from Whales, he was taken into slavery and escaped several times. amazing. he converted Whales and Ireland to Christianity, (therefore converting pagans whose symbol was the snake) and that is why it has been said that St. Patrick "drove the snakes out of Ireland." It was a metaphor, but a beautiful symbol.
what are some of your original thoughts, or what have you hypothosized lately?
write me...

i have been dealing alot with materialism lately so im sure that is the subject of an upcoming blog. (also Irmo, a parrot shirt, and a skating rink... i have not forgotten you friends.)
new favorite movie,
endless sunshine of the spotless mind.
i dont know how much to elaborate on since many of you have yet to see it. so in about a month i will post more on this topic but until then. "OK"

Friday, March 12, 2004

Life is so sudden, and then its gone. Sometimes the only one I have to hold on to permanently is not people at all, but memories of those people.

Scott Silcox, 5th grade, Mrs. Adams. He was more hyperactive than I. He was shorter than I, we got along because no one else got along with us, we were always in trouble together. I remember we both liked the digital underground, and he showed me that sitting in the back of the bus was to the advantage for boys like us. I moved to Florida shortly after 5th grade, never heard or saw him again.

David Koontz, we were both 13 years old, he lived outside the city limits, he lived in a trailer, but his home was like an empire of activity. We built forts, burnt He-Men in epic battles, and even swear to this day that skeletor almost came out of the fire at us. We talked of girls as if we knew what we were talking about. We would go camping, and he taught me about the outdoors, and still to this day those were some of my favorite memories. He pursued art, then girls and mind altering substances, we have lost contact altogether. Last I heard he was a trace DJ in Orlando somewhere.

Heath Burgett, 7-10th grade, taught me to sing, or at least harmonize because his voice was so incredible. He was the envy because I never felt I could match up, or even come close. He seemed to have it all. While playing capture the flag we swear to this day that we saw a moving object way up in the sky go very slow... then turn do a 180 quite quickly, then turn back around and soar past us so quick, we believed in UFO's, at least for the next week. He was a good friend, and I had a crush on his older sister. He taught me that life isn't about what you do or look like, its who you are. I didn't believe him. He went on to pursue music getting signed on Interscope, I went off to college. We talk occasionally.

John Beward, 11th grade, He was a certified Polk County, Florida REDNECK, and being punk rock it was never meant to work out we would be friends. Working at Pizza Hut has a way of humbling people and also bringing them together for a common task, spending countless weekends making fast food. We became good friends after he put his dip into my dad's x-boss's barbecue pizza. He was a little more vengeful than I, and he taught me that I shouldn't let people walk on me. He also taught me that there is a whole culture underneath a hood, and there's nothing a little ducktape couldn't fix. He joined the military, got married and we lost contact for several years.

Melissa, Junior-Senior in College. I broke up her engagement to some pansy, sure I thought she was attractive and an amazing artist but even more attractive is the fact that I could make her see that there are better people out there than that loser. Call me a home wrecker but I prefer a quasi-super hero with an overactive savior complex. We dated, it didn't work out on a theological level. She taught me that who oneself is makes all the difference in the world, and that no matter how much we want to change the other person in our romantic lives the essence of human beings should be to stay true to oneself. She was an amazing artist and once drew me a picture of Marilyn Monroe that must have taken HOURS! Last I heard she was engaged to another guy who was "amazing" and treated her "soooo well". She called me James (after the fad of James Dean movies I liked so much at the time.), I called her dizzy in return. I have no idea where in this world she is, and most likely will never see her again.

Its amazing how that we are the composite of everyone we have ever met. You are intertwined with people. The belief system you have... you did not come up with it, someone told you about it. You chose to accept it. Other ideas you have rejected. I believe in nature and nurture, but in some context if we were left alone our entire lives what would we believe? Nurture by parents, peers, mentors, and even people we play teach and speak into our lives more than we may ever admit or think about.

How have you spoken into others lives? Has it positive or negative? Realize that you are not "an island unto yourself" but you effect your immediate surroundings, and everyone you come in contact with... either positive or negative.


Friday, February 27, 2004

Minnesota, looking forward to a train station. had a great talk tonight with my friend aaron. the peace that that man has obtained is incredible. how honest. love emanates from his being, i think he is the closest to meeting the persona of mohat Gandhi that i will ever come. why do we work so hard to gain the attention of the opposite sex. ruth! listen to me, if you really want to attract those of the opposite sex know yourself, know what makes you operate, be passionate about something. passion is contagious, embrace life, stop looking for mr. right and become mrs. right. the time, the place, ...fate itself comes together on its own accord and does not hurry any faster because of a nice outfit, a flirtatious smile, or cosmetics. be who you are and in that attraction lies. why work so hard to become what other desire, because that only leaves you desperate, wanting, and lacking of any true happiness. stop looking to others to measure your own standards or beauty, realize that you are beautiful just the way you are, and honestly how important are looks over years. eyes will dull, builds will collapse, what you think makes you better inevitably decomposes. its the matter of the heart, and the peace that passes all understanding that will hold you late at night and be the attraction for those who themselves are not looking into a magazine or a video music station to match beauty or intellect. realize that all that the media portrays is pseudo. it is not real, life is more than crest white strips and prada shoes. life is more than a degree from harvard, life is more than achievements and shiny trophy's upon the mantle. life is not a fleeting attempt to pat yourself on the back, or see how many others you can manipulate to pat you on the back. there is more to life than what your two eyes can see, or your two hands can touch. im in st. paul but my pulse is located at 225 s canal street. im going to start writing a book. i already have ideas for over 20 chapters, this is no small task, as i want it to be a memoir and not surface.
' "i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled
when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red
light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips."

i wish i had said that. that sums up my thoughts about what i want from love so
well. but isn't love also that comfortable silence sitting in the car while driving
through the nite? no touch is needed, no whisper spoken. it's an ideal, to me at
least. i long for love in the sense that i want to know for certain that i want no
one else ever again in my life. to be able to say without needing another's
assurance that i love one person more than i love myself. i want it all and nothing
less. will i ever attain that goal? i can honestly say that i don't know. i don't
know for certain if it even exists. but what good is it to not dream? i'd rather
dream of a false ideal than live without a dream at all.'

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

denver, colorado
how very presuming that you would think these posts are about you?
oh hast vanity inspired your eyes?!
my world does not revolve around you, never did.
come clean. another heart full of lackluster dispointments. why were you even here? there is a voice inside my head. is it yours? obviously not, the messages still seems so unclear. there is poison in your drink so you desire to pass it across the table tword me. but i tasted that cup a year ago, and i will pass kindly dear if you please. to advance you in age, to be taught by solomon, to taste life all on your own, it is not the years that seperated... but the expectancy of life that i am so deporting prone. it is not commitment that i feared, though it does bite, but the level in which your mind has wondered. i think your in love with having someone there, not me. and i am disinterested in what in life you have pondered. so take the chance to find your own way for it is what your passionate for that i desire, dont follow in my footsteps, for unhappiness rests in following others in their own purifying fire.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

san francisco, california.
sitting here, i can hear the rain beat the roof of this place. U2 sings in the background and i think melancholy describes the mood here. i have not got a good feel for this town, and don't believe i will this time either. but this isn't about this place any more, actually not much in life has grand importance like getting to chicago. there is a world between me and the future now... but this is the first time i have ever been able to calculate its time table. 12 days, 2 hours, and a couple of minutes. i have been humbled these last few shows where people come up to me and tell me that modesty "says what they feel" amazing and humbling all at the same time.

so let me expound on my new theory of "everything in balance", which aaron from me withoutyou said was a good philosophy (often denoted by rumi) but can get misinterpreted with being warm and neither hot nor cold on any one idea. i agreed, a little miffed that someone had found a weakspot in my new life's mission statement. but he is right, when it comes to religion, politics, or love one should not be simply warm, but constantly at arms for what they believe. But is there such thing as being overly religious? i believe so. for if one thinks that he is greater, or because of his religion he is better than another human being, than i would say he is not true to his beliefs. (sorry friend)
in politics... ?. just because you believe that abortion is wrong you should not go and bomb a clinic. if you think it is right you should not participate to prove you have choice. che/misconstrued communism/
bay of pigs/vietnam/hitler/lenin/hussein/osama/ etc. men from any political party can falter to left or to right. but that begs the question of where they wrong? one would say yes because we look at other forms of government and other forms of leadership and declare it wrong or "evil" simply because we live in a capitalistic (some would argue with that theory)- democratic society. for instance look at CHE', he believed his cause was just and right, and yet the world deemed him as wrong because he was... well winning in his effort to do what he thought was right (or simply put; it was truth to him, so how can one argue that it was wrong) but i am simply playing the devils advocate because i do sincerely believe (like ravi zacheria) that their is inherently good and inherently evil in this world.
in love? GK Chesterton, i believe, would agree with my theory of "everything in balance" because of his statements made in "orthodoxy" about optimism vs. pessimism. but i would have love to have asked him of love. can one be in love to far? can one love to much? where is the balance between falling in love to fast and not letting yourself fall fast enough? this is my struggle with my own theory, i feel this is where i diprove my own theory of balance because my heart wants no balance. i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips.