true friends stab you in the front -oscar wilde
where is the line between loyalty, truth, and friendship. this was the
topic of conversation as three friends and i ventured through the
confusing but well lite streets of downtown tokyo last night. my head
swooned with past cases in life where i desperately wanted to say
something to my friends but i shut my mouth for the sake of the so
called 'friendship'. now i want to think i know better. what better place to talk such matters of life than at a traditional japanese cuisine better known as TGI Fridays. but this culture is beautiful, i have never seen a more respectful people in the entire world. The streets are clean, everyone takes pride in their profession, the art is intriquing, and the architecture is some of the most awe striking and futureistic in the world.
'Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest with them. All they really want is to be maintained in the good opinion they have of themselves.'
-albert camus
i'm sure mister camus was making light of this topic, but i wonder sometimes if this is what people really want, a nod of false approval over the reproach of honesty and eventual clemency.
when and where is the point where the betterment of the other persons life
is more important than a friendship? when do you care more about the
other person than the time you have invested in that person. i think a
true, real, and deep friendship must contain honesty to the point
where it hurts, and inevitablly there will be some ammount of pain in any good relationship.
i recently had a friend who was in an absolutely in an unhealthy
relationship. i was not yet that steeped into a deep friendship with
them so i felt at ease in confronting the situation. since that moment, however,
our friendship has deepened immensely because they saw that i cared greatly for them and it gave them free liberty to be honest and pour into my life. something i desperately want from all my friend's, i don't want to maintain the false opinion of myself if it means my character is not developing on a continual basis due to a lack of accountability.
i am at loss for words or know how on this situation as i am faced yet again with approaching a best friend this time. i have invested many years and many hours of pouring hearts to one another. i don't know how to approach him/her, and am wrestling with simply keeping my mouth shut for the fluidity of our friendship. but i know now if i wanted to be approached with candid honesty than i must report with candid honesty. i have time, wondering these streets i am left with some sense of solitude because i only know two words in japanese.
-esteban
topic of conversation as three friends and i ventured through the
confusing but well lite streets of downtown tokyo last night. my head
swooned with past cases in life where i desperately wanted to say
something to my friends but i shut my mouth for the sake of the so
called 'friendship'. now i want to think i know better. what better place to talk such matters of life than at a traditional japanese cuisine better known as TGI Fridays. but this culture is beautiful, i have never seen a more respectful people in the entire world. The streets are clean, everyone takes pride in their profession, the art is intriquing, and the architecture is some of the most awe striking and futureistic in the world.
'Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest with them. All they really want is to be maintained in the good opinion they have of themselves.'
-albert camus
i'm sure mister camus was making light of this topic, but i wonder sometimes if this is what people really want, a nod of false approval over the reproach of honesty and eventual clemency.
when and where is the point where the betterment of the other persons life
is more important than a friendship? when do you care more about the
other person than the time you have invested in that person. i think a
true, real, and deep friendship must contain honesty to the point
where it hurts, and inevitablly there will be some ammount of pain in any good relationship.
i recently had a friend who was in an absolutely in an unhealthy
relationship. i was not yet that steeped into a deep friendship with
them so i felt at ease in confronting the situation. since that moment, however,
our friendship has deepened immensely because they saw that i cared greatly for them and it gave them free liberty to be honest and pour into my life. something i desperately want from all my friend's, i don't want to maintain the false opinion of myself if it means my character is not developing on a continual basis due to a lack of accountability.
i am at loss for words or know how on this situation as i am faced yet again with approaching a best friend this time. i have invested many years and many hours of pouring hearts to one another. i don't know how to approach him/her, and am wrestling with simply keeping my mouth shut for the fluidity of our friendship. but i know now if i wanted to be approached with candid honesty than i must report with candid honesty. i have time, wondering these streets i am left with some sense of solitude because i only know two words in japanese.
-esteban
Comments
i had a friend that i was always totally and completely honest with and she will always be the best friend i've ever had. but then i realized that i was so caught up in being honest with her about my life that i hadn't noticed changes in hers. she had become someone that i didn't want to be around anymore and it just hit me very suddenly really because of my honesty with her.
that was a little off-topic from your blog, but i guess im just saying that honesty is a necessary thing between close friends, but don't get too wrapped up in your honesty that you forget theirs.
I refuse to open my mouth unless I am willing to walk with that person till they're at a place where they don't need me anymore. Then again I often end up in friendships with people who know I care deeply about that, and thankfully I get to show that when they're not being self destructive too.
I think sometimes we end up loosing friendships when we jump in to tell someone how to live their lives when we haven't enriched that person's life ourselves yet. They have no reason to trust us.
When I came out of the closet, my "conservative Christian" friends from back in youth group when I was younger largely turned their backs on me believing that some how by confronting me they'd bring me back to God, and show me how much they loved me. They were convinced I was being self destructive and that some how this confrontation would help me.
The thing is, they honestly didn't care for me near as much as the friends that have stuck by me. It's frustrating because a lot of my friends from College have now gone back to other parts of the country. But I've thankfully found new friends.
I think I went down a rabbit trail there. I guess the minimal bit of wisdom that I have is, sometimes we do need to confront people, but often we can confront people without ever having to make it a confrontation. Sometimes it's just convincing them that you honestly love them and you think they would be better if they changed something. I think the thing that makes it easiest to take that kind of news from a friend is the knowledge that you're loved. The greatest command is to love God and love others. If this is left out even if the advice or direction is right, it will still be wrong.
what is truly hard for me to accept is when someone doesn't want to grow. We can continue loving the person...and telling the truth. Sometimes people want to continue in unhealth just b/c they want to. I think sometimes this genuinely takes time for people to come to the point where they want a change for themselves--usually their pain has to become greater in their current situation then the fear they have about changing and moving into health. Other times, people continue choosing unhealth...and it IS going to affect other people. i had to cut off a relationship like this. I kept telling myself to be patient, that surely this person would step into growth...but sure enough they would not. They are still hurting other people and i had to take a step away. This is not always the case...sometimes people are just hurting themselves...but does sin or unhealth ever JUST affect us? It almost always affects a community or at least a relationship....
It takes a lot of wisdom to do what is right and a lot of LOVE to do it in a way that gives people the benefit of the doubt and the space they need to grow forward. Sometimes we really CAN see something that is going on in that another person can't see. We all have blind spots.
I'm sure they know you love them genuinely. If they continue in unhealth, it is b/c they want to or they are afraid. I believe it IS the truth that can set us free.
People have to choose their own path and unfortunately sometimes suffer the consequences. Sometimes that is the way they CHOOSE to learn.
Best case scenario, the person's heart will be soft and ready to make a change. I believe that prayer helps. It is not our jobs to change people. It is our job to
LOVE PEOPLE and TELL THE TRUTH--even if it hurts. It might hurt a whole LOT more if you have the chance to speak and don't. It might cause a rift, or in my case, you might even lose a relationship. i didn't choose to lose that relationship. I chose to be honest. It showed there can be consequence of doing what is right. But i know I loved this person maturely and it felt like a growth point for me to say what I really thought, to hope that the relationship could handle it. I stood in what I truly believed and loved with all my heart.
"evil reigns when good men do nothing."
(or in other cases, say nothing.)
i hope seeing people be broken (whether the person in question or the others around them) will move us to open our mouths and LOVINGLY and honestly love people or do something in response to what we see. But in issues of relationships or issues of injustice, we can't be in control of other man or woman's free will. we will have to either accept or respond to their choices...
like the story of that sea thing whose nature is was to sting...
do we really just keep letting them do it? Do we leave them alone or tell them they are hurting themselves and others...
sometimes love stays patiently in..and sometimes love speaks boldly, and sometimes (in the case of abuse especially) love needs to be tough.
Not everything that you think of should be said, even if it is true. Gossip can be spoken in truth, Backstabbing slander can be true, but these things are intended to hurt.
Some in the church enjoy speaking the truth about others according to their own interpretation of the truth. As a slave to the truth, they have made it an idol.
There is no grace in this truth. It is self righteous, seductive, and controlling. Truth without love in reality ceases to be truth.
The other reality about truth is that people can only be set free by the truth when they are willing to accept it.
Discern the mindset of your friend, decide whether to speak or not and then proceed in love. The consequences will take care of themselves…
“Unquestioning respect for authority is the greatest enemy of the truth.”
Einstein
Cheers
If you find out let me know!! Or any of the other bloggers / commentors on this matter...PLEASE educate me!
It has been said that the truth is the hardest thing to say, and I agree. Not telling your friend keeps the fluidity of your friendship, but it could be something that comes back to haunt you too. And what's to say that telling them wouldn't keep the fluidity of the friendship, they might appreciate your honesty.
Being honest with someone is a sign you are comfortable around them, no matter how hard the honesty turns out to be.
I've experienced conflict by not telling a friend something, but at the time I felt it was best not to.
I hope you find the right decision, and that it works out for you. Enjoy Japan!
friendship is something very difficult for me. does true friendship actually exist? i think that it can, but i have yet to truly see it or take part in it. most of the time, friendship is defined as "let me use you for my purposes."
Kahli Gibran said this: "Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity."
i think that's the tricky thing, telling people the truth without sounding stuck up. i'm afraid that i have made that mistake with a friend.
Within the past week, I've gone through a similar situation--not so much about honesty, but about how to handle friendships. In essence, a friend of mine was compromising her integrity to speak to me, and I told her that I couldn't lend my tacit support to something like that, and so I ended the phone conversation.
We simply have to do things that hurt at times, and I don't think in any circumstances that it's right to withhold something if it needs to be said, but I think there are times when things shouldn't be said--when it's best to wait and simply be a listener for the moment. I'm not advising running from bringing the hard truth to someone's attention, but there are times when one shouldn't be too fast to bring what one assumes is a hard truth to someone's attention.
I have damaged friendships (thank heavens, that survived in the end) by trotting out what I took to be hard and painful truths that weren't actually true.
On the other hand, to paraphrase Proverbs, lots of people will flatter someone, but the man who rebukes them will find more favor in their eyes afterwards.
-Theodore Geisel
When I first read your blog today I immediately thought of a scene near the end of "Perks of Being a Wallflower" when Sam confronts Charlie about how he had remained silent through his friendships with Sam and her brother (i'm blanking on his name.) The true colors of a friend are shown in their willingness to abandon all the time they've spent with that person for the sake of that person. I'll try to find the quote I'm thinking of.
Glad to hear you're enjoying Asia. Travel safely!
Daniel+
What you said rang so true to my life. Thank you for sharing....
Also, I like the idea of not always telling EVERYTHING you see...b/c that is not our job.
However, there is a time where we can use our mouths to love--and I think we might know when that time is!
I also venture to say if several people in our lives are all saying the same thing or at least say it when we ask them...we may have good reason to believe it could be true.
If we could find a few people like that in our lives (who are both honest AND wise!), we could be sharpened beautifully!
Sometimes my friends do things that bother me, but instead of confronting them, I keep it to myself, or even complain to other people. It's not a good thing at all. But lately I've been working on my friendships. In the end, they are the ones who are there for me.
Reading this was a big help I wish you would've written it about a year ago though, it would have eased the transition into the situation (if that makes any sense)
have fun in japan! hope the tour goes well!
i have been (as most of us) been in a similar situation. i had a best friend for years who started making decisions that were terrible for her..absolutely terrible. for about a year our friendship was rough until it ultimately ended and she continues to make decisions that could potentially ruin her life.
this past november a bunch of my old classmates and i met for dinner and she was there, later that night she pulled me aside and thanked me for always being there for her, even if she didn't like it.
i wouldn't expect my family to tell me what i wanted to hear all the time and i woudn't expect that from a good friend either.
There is nothing worse than a friend who throws you into the deep end, then turns around and lets you drown.
Be that friend that rescues that person, whether they know they need to be rescued or not, even if they never say thank you.
on tokyo: the idea of such a respectful and 'advanced' society is interesting to me. i wonder how it affects people's friendships? is it less appropriate to speak your mind to a friend who needs to hear the straight goods, or are people more concerned with genuine respect than with mere etiquette? if you look at england, a country known for its propriety, their careful manners seem to have backfired on them and produced one of the highest youth crime rates in the world.
also some of the best punk.
but maybe there are other factors in the youth crime situation.
It doesn't mean they can't and aren't changing.
So beware what you revere in other people and other societies. we are all so human and flawed...
James
When you can't make your words understood, you really have to go beyond the most basic forms of communication.
Best of luck in Singapore and beyond.
Really great meeting you guys last night.
We all have choices to make in this life and even with the best advice we can still go through life blind.
Tell your friends and if they are truly your friends it wont matter, and even if they get upset let them, eventually they will get over it and love you again. And thank you for caring so much about them that you were willing to risk it all for their sakes...
:) Angel
obviously i dont know the situation, and you may very well be wanting the best for them, and want them to mature and excell in their walk of life...but yeah...something to really grapple with i think.
at the end of the day, love is going to win. not honesty. it will prompt honesty, but your love for your friend will hopeuflly shine through first.
hopefully there is some sense in that.
If you truely care about this person, then you should be able to look at them and think, "Wow, you are more important than me, and because of that fact, we need to talk..."
What's holding you back from speaking your mind? Is it the selfish thought of losing that person? What good are you doing by keeping your mouth closed?
"A wise man is only wise if he can admit that he is truely foolish."
Just some stuff to think about. I wish you the best in this situation.
I shook my head no. 'So why did you let him?'
'I was just trying to be a friend,' I said.
'But you weren't, Charlie. At those times you weren't his friend at all. Because you weren't honest with him.'"
Keep on blogging! It's a joy reading your blog, cause you seem so modest.
BTW, THE ANBERLIN/COPELAND CONCERT IN SINGAPORE WAS THE BOMB!
please do come back to perform again :)
some people truly do want you to be honest with them,
but other people dont.
i think it depends on who yer talking to,
and how truly honest yer willing to be with that person.
when do you honestly care more about anyone,
than you care about yerself?
that is the question.
and if you have an answer,
let me know.
Today we are so consumed by our wants and own needs that we even want want want and take take take from our own friends. I can be the first to pick a fault in a friend, yet who am I to say that I am the best friend to others. Do i put their needs before mine? We expect so much from our friends, and if they fail to meet those expectations we can put our guards up. I have begun so see the true light in my friendships. Friendships should be give and take (from both sides)-we're in this relationship together! This might mean that our time and effort is only invested in a few close friends. If we give ourselves to everyone, there will be nothing left! There will be bits of me floating around everywhere, without the opportunity for anyone to know the whole me.
When my best friend was making bad decisions, I however chose not to speak up. That still hurts. She says she wouldn't have listened, and it is true that someone needs to come to a point in themselves when they realise something isn't good for them, but somehow it would have been better to speak up. It doesn't mean anger. It will come from love if you're hurting over them hurting themselves.
I find it helpful to think about what I would like a friend to do if I was in a similar situation...
Whatever you choose to do, it will always hurt. Both people generally hurt, but it turns out better in the end.
And nothing is irreperable.
I had a best friend who was getting himself involved with a completely unhealthy relationship with a girl we both knew. So I put myself out there for him and warned him about her, even though I knew I was risking a perfectly good friendship with a perfectly nice girl who was just lacking in the commitment department. Against my advice, he plunged head first into the relationship and even went so far as to bring it up in front of the two of us. I felt deeply hurt that he would betray me, but I've come to realize that I've lost him as a friend and that no matter what happens, I had done my duty to him as a friend.
Regardless of what happened, I don't think this has changed my stand on telling the truth. I know more about her than I did before, but I have chosen to keep quiet quite simply because I refuse to make the same mistake I made with him before. There are just some occasions when your friends need to learn on their own. The important thing is that you try.
Sometimes, all this pain and anguish that we go through for other people - just isn't worth the stab in the front. I believe that you will know when to tell the truth or when to keep quiet for the fluidity of the friendship because deep inside, you'll know whether that person is worth it or not. And even if it backfires, you know you've done your part.
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I have been asking God to help me accept the choices they are making but it kills me! Cuz I want more for them than to be happy....I want them to be whole. To know who they are for what God has made them to be. Not simply filling themselves with the next best thing.
Well that ends my rant.
Really made me think of what a friendship should really look like. We have to be there for a person... not just to encourage them or flatter them but to help them. They need our honesty...