Friday, February 27, 2004

Minnesota, looking forward to a train station. had a great talk tonight with my friend aaron. the peace that that man has obtained is incredible. how honest. love emanates from his being, i think he is the closest to meeting the persona of mohat Gandhi that i will ever come. why do we work so hard to gain the attention of the opposite sex. ruth! listen to me, if you really want to attract those of the opposite sex know yourself, know what makes you operate, be passionate about something. passion is contagious, embrace life, stop looking for mr. right and become mrs. right. the time, the place, ...fate itself comes together on its own accord and does not hurry any faster because of a nice outfit, a flirtatious smile, or cosmetics. be who you are and in that attraction lies. why work so hard to become what other desire, because that only leaves you desperate, wanting, and lacking of any true happiness. stop looking to others to measure your own standards or beauty, realize that you are beautiful just the way you are, and honestly how important are looks over years. eyes will dull, builds will collapse, what you think makes you better inevitably decomposes. its the matter of the heart, and the peace that passes all understanding that will hold you late at night and be the attraction for those who themselves are not looking into a magazine or a video music station to match beauty or intellect. realize that all that the media portrays is pseudo. it is not real, life is more than crest white strips and prada shoes. life is more than a degree from harvard, life is more than achievements and shiny trophy's upon the mantle. life is not a fleeting attempt to pat yourself on the back, or see how many others you can manipulate to pat you on the back. there is more to life than what your two eyes can see, or your two hands can touch. im in st. paul but my pulse is located at 225 s canal street. im going to start writing a book. i already have ideas for over 20 chapters, this is no small task, as i want it to be a memoir and not surface.
' "i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled
when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red
light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips."

i wish i had said that. that sums up my thoughts about what i want from love so
well. but isn't love also that comfortable silence sitting in the car while driving
through the nite? no touch is needed, no whisper spoken. it's an ideal, to me at
least. i long for love in the sense that i want to know for certain that i want no
one else ever again in my life. to be able to say without needing another's
assurance that i love one person more than i love myself. i want it all and nothing
less. will i ever attain that goal? i can honestly say that i don't know. i don't
know for certain if it even exists. but what good is it to not dream? i'd rather
dream of a false ideal than live without a dream at all.'

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

denver, colorado
how very presuming that you would think these posts are about you?
oh hast vanity inspired your eyes?!
my world does not revolve around you, never did.
come clean. another heart full of lackluster dispointments. why were you even here? there is a voice inside my head. is it yours? obviously not, the messages still seems so unclear. there is poison in your drink so you desire to pass it across the table tword me. but i tasted that cup a year ago, and i will pass kindly dear if you please. to advance you in age, to be taught by solomon, to taste life all on your own, it is not the years that seperated... but the expectancy of life that i am so deporting prone. it is not commitment that i feared, though it does bite, but the level in which your mind has wondered. i think your in love with having someone there, not me. and i am disinterested in what in life you have pondered. so take the chance to find your own way for it is what your passionate for that i desire, dont follow in my footsteps, for unhappiness rests in following others in their own purifying fire.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

san francisco, california.
sitting here, i can hear the rain beat the roof of this place. U2 sings in the background and i think melancholy describes the mood here. i have not got a good feel for this town, and don't believe i will this time either. but this isn't about this place any more, actually not much in life has grand importance like getting to chicago. there is a world between me and the future now... but this is the first time i have ever been able to calculate its time table. 12 days, 2 hours, and a couple of minutes. i have been humbled these last few shows where people come up to me and tell me that modesty "says what they feel" amazing and humbling all at the same time.

so let me expound on my new theory of "everything in balance", which aaron from me withoutyou said was a good philosophy (often denoted by rumi) but can get misinterpreted with being warm and neither hot nor cold on any one idea. i agreed, a little miffed that someone had found a weakspot in my new life's mission statement. but he is right, when it comes to religion, politics, or love one should not be simply warm, but constantly at arms for what they believe. But is there such thing as being overly religious? i believe so. for if one thinks that he is greater, or because of his religion he is better than another human being, than i would say he is not true to his beliefs. (sorry friend)
in politics... ?. just because you believe that abortion is wrong you should not go and bomb a clinic. if you think it is right you should not participate to prove you have choice. che/misconstrued communism/
bay of pigs/vietnam/hitler/lenin/hussein/osama/ etc. men from any political party can falter to left or to right. but that begs the question of where they wrong? one would say yes because we look at other forms of government and other forms of leadership and declare it wrong or "evil" simply because we live in a capitalistic (some would argue with that theory)- democratic society. for instance look at CHE', he believed his cause was just and right, and yet the world deemed him as wrong because he was... well winning in his effort to do what he thought was right (or simply put; it was truth to him, so how can one argue that it was wrong) but i am simply playing the devils advocate because i do sincerely believe (like ravi zacheria) that their is inherently good and inherently evil in this world.
in love? GK Chesterton, i believe, would agree with my theory of "everything in balance" because of his statements made in "orthodoxy" about optimism vs. pessimism. but i would have love to have asked him of love. can one be in love to far? can one love to much? where is the balance between falling in love to fast and not letting yourself fall fast enough? this is my struggle with my own theory, i feel this is where i diprove my own theory of balance because my heart wants no balance. i want love how it is... a sleep deprivation pain in my chest that is only filled when her voice rings through my ear, touches my hand, or slows down to catch a red light so we can have one more second in each others eyes, and lips.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

just completed LIFE AFTER GOD it actually has nothing to do with the title, actually the character believes in God. If you liked CATCHER IN THE RYE or PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER then you will enjoy this book.
please excuse the sudden urge to ramble. but its instant gratification.
time moves on and so my feelings for anyone else fade, like sinatra. like a memory you
forget until someone brings it up, like someone who lived and died 20 years ago with no fame.
we all die the same, we are all born the same so what is fame? what is money? what is a promising future?
what is this we call life. a dramatic interlude into the next life... i love it though, i cant lie. i go to sleep at night
in anticipation for the sun to rise again, for the day to be broken, for new experiences to collaborate upon me.
and now i have someone to share them with, but in all reality i have had someone to share them with.
how easily we overlook our own family when calculating how lonely we truly are.
i look at my youngest brother and realize that the state of mind that he is currently in reminds me of myself at his age.
oh how i don't want to depress him any further by telling him the truth that no one ever has everything figured out and in the end we know as little as we did in the beginning. we know nothing for sure, for if you do then tell me your experience of heaven. tell me your experience of being truly free. for in the beginning i was free, and how to return to that when i pass on. i sit here in a coffee shop in dallas texas, faces our new but situation remains the same. the man offering the coffee has complained that he wished he had never fallen in love if he knew beforehand it was going to hurt this awfully bad. and i to question love. i will be the first to admit that i entertained a women because i just needed someone there to fulfill a void i myself could not find in solitude. i pray that no one ever does that to me though. i wonder now why we always look to something we cant have as if that will give us the happiness we desire. a car, a computer, a new spouse. and whomever said the words " the grass is always greener on the other side" quite possibly could have been the most intelligent man/women to ever walk this earth. if God came to me and proposed the same proposition to solomon and asked "name one thing, anything, and i will give it to you" i know that wealth would not be a possibility. i interject that solomon was already wise when he asked for wisdom, because only a wise man knows he is a fool. it is the fool that thinks he is wise. i think as my wish i would wish for 5 more wishes like most children would, but of course he is God and im sure has a legal staff of utter magnificence and in the end i would only get one. but if he did grant me one i would either astonishment or contentment, both of which i understand i am a fool at. new pet peeve... when people talk about themselves all the time!!! i don't understand it! someone once told me that wise people ask questions but the fool expounds upon themselves. acutally i just made that up, but prefaced it with someone once told me... in case it sounded foolish. the word "I" must come up a million times with this certain gentlemen. annoying. but i am learning about him, against my will, but whatever. i would like to do a psychological study on him and find out if his parents and/or family paid him to little attention or to much attention as a child. nurture vs. nature. well im sure he will tell me one way or another, in time.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

"Ignorance is abounding always fresh within me. or, rather, it is more
like parched ground. in which I must always water it with learning and
studious reading. I am young, it is true, but I have a mind that longs
for so much more.beyond the stereotype-like prison this society has
built for my age. I have had a most blessed life, and have been raised
in such a way that knowledge and wisdom has never been denied of me.
(But I digress) Although I cannot share wisdom, for wisdom is of
something learned through experience, I can share something I have
always been taught by those whom I trust to be some of the wisest, most
Godly people I have ever had the privilege to meet. God has a drawn up
plan for our lives, the perfect plan. (I like to think of it as a strait
line drawn on a plain white surface.) We can follow this strait line, or
swerve off. When we sin, we are not following God's will for our lives,
what he wanted us to do. (Although, the dramatics of this case may very;
sin is sin, but telling a white lie and murdering somebody may just vary
in consequences.) I believe if God wants us to get married, we shall
indeed be married. Not only that, but to the exact, perfect match for
us. I believe if we are, over all, in fellowship with God.continually
seeking Him and growing, God will bring that person to us at the perfect
time. Neither late, nor early. So much blessing and peace can be
received by simply giving everything aspect of our lives over to God:
our fears, our doubts, our joys, our regrets, our memories, our present,
our future.and our future mates for life. (Obviously, this is not simply
a trick of fate, a star-embraced happening.but an intricate plan.) I
love the idea of following what God wants for me, and never growing
concerned about it. I once had the experience of worrying that I was not
meant to be married.but someone told me that if God would instill such a
noble desire within a person, why wouldn't He fulfill it? The closer we
become to God, the more we desire what God also desires for us. This
brings up an interesting idea: If God's desires can also be our desires,
than what is there to fear? Surely, all our dreams will come true, as
long as we are following God's plan. Of course, there shall be
disappointments, sadness, and fear.but, once again, what is there to
fear if God is by us all the while? I speak not in self-assurance.even I
have yet to convince myself of this. This is where we must simply settle
on trusting God, and knowing things to be true, rather than carrying
every bit of our security on our emotions.(But I digress) To summarize
my rambling: There is no reason to fear or wonder about our future
spouses if we remain in proper, and progressing fellowship with God. "

~Hannah S.

dearest hannah, (what a beautiful name), im presupposing that you are talking about the judeo-Christian God, and with this argument i must retort. Where in the Torah/Bible does it say anything about God choosing a wife or a husband. I have seen "He who finds a wife finds a good thing," but that is about it. These books do not tell us who to love, but how to love. If you are going to give me the story about Isaac and Rebecca then i must retort by saying that that would be listed as a miracle and not an ordinary case throughout the bible. I am not trying to discredit Gods ability to "align the stars" and help you to find the person you will spend the rest of your life with, but im also not saying he does do that (because i have no proof and because Holy Books say nothing of the sort.
-the devils advocate