the orphaned anything’s chapter 1.

this is the first chapter of my upcoming book "the orphaned anything's" due out in spring of '08

NEW CHAPTER: stabbing my brother with the plastic blade from an osculating fan...
and other such thought provoking situations.

that's when i know i am near waking up. the abrupt indication appears to be when i roll onto my stomach, but i might as well get up... i know i'm just going to lay here, careen a couple of times, sway a few more, and then commence to think of all the things i should be doing instead of laying here.
i believe i am the only human alive to sleep in these bumbling lumbering phases. i understand now, after years of this sleep repetition, that i seem to have three, and these clumsy situation's only occur after the hours of thoughts that seem to run through my head without cease.
i cannot remember a time in my life where i did not have to have a mutiny over my thoughts or memories just to fall into what some might call sleep, but i simply call it a momentary 'at-ease of mental clamor'.
the first of my phase of my sleep cycle is that of the tent knees. aptly named, this is wear i lay on my back and my knees are bent, i thought as a kid it made my blue NFL knock off blanket look like a tent; hence, and ingeniously named, 'tent knees'.
The second phase is the discomfited fetal position, this happens only when, again, every thought has been explored and they finally concede to surrender until daybreak.
i have always wondered if there is a subconscious reason i sleep in the fetal position, am i trying to retrieve days in the womb; the safety or the silence? i understand that could be viewed as very odd, or @ very least neo-fruedian, but still.
never the less finally, when daybreak stabs like an unforgivable vengeance, i roll on my stomach, half laying on a pillow, and half uncomfortable. this is where i rattle in and out of consciousness and try to access what day it is, and what time i have to be somewhere, if anywhere.
laying here i realize i no longer need my alarm clock, i can't remember the last time i slept past nine a.m. but if i did have an alarm clock i would want to wake up to that one beach boys song 'wouldn't it be nice' (stereo mix) because i figure that song is so inconceivably happy that i could never again have a s****y day. the song is much to agitating-ly happy. i want to say that i have a sleep disorder and seek help, but i know i don't and probably couldn't afford the medication even if one was diagnosed.
the last time i gave myself a prognosis it was not as much a disorder as an excuse really. i convinced everyone around me @ the time in middle school, and subsequently myself, that i had attention deficit disorder because i could not concentrate, or study.
but honestly who likes to study in middle school? TV or study? what 12 year old kid would rather do math over watching any given cartoon? with my new found hyperactive diagnosis i believed, simply because i felt like annoying my younger brother, that i had A.D.D. or A.D.H.D.
now i simply see the availability of ridlin as more of a glorified baby-sitter than anything else. parents are afraid their callow boys enjoy high energy activities a little to much (isn't that called childhood?). so they put them in a comatose coma by giving them a prescription drug to calm them down. thinking about it now i guess that's what television does, puts one in a comatose state... and subsequently baby-sits.
today like yesterday, i will chance away fate by foreseeing that it is is not going to be much different. i have to work my jejune job once again today and in a little while i will get up, enjoy my morning daily routine of addictions, and head out to carpe diem-ish. upon arriving to my tedious job i shall once again reflect on another morning in which i succeeded in failing away. then i expect to ponder arduously on all the items i didn't complete on my to-do checklist (a 'handy' notepad that my mother adorned me with complete with boxes to check and blank lines to fill in, *hence checklist).
i ponder between my irksome daily customers on what i should have accomplished in those early hours and once again vow upon all things i have justified holy that the next morning i will get them all done.
then i will tell myself the truth...
it will be the same as this morning.
i will probably just sleep in and let another day pass like the ceaseless traffic on I-5.
at first i was quite cynical about the whole checklist thing and sarcastically added to the list such items as;
[] 1. breath (oxygen),
[]2. eat,
[]3. repeat steps 1 & 2 daily

now i take i take it much more serious and have added such noteworthy items as;
[]1. find the cure of cancer and AIDS all in one easy to swallow pill
[]2. getting smart
[]3. win the lottery

still laying here upon my unyielding bed the sun glares relentlessly into my eyes. the air conditioner is out, i think i am starting to sweat. i never got the air fixed so i bought a base-minded rotating fan. i hate rotating fans. i mean really what is the point of it rotating? and to my utter joy and surprise the knob broke off so now it permanently rotates. someone tell me what is the point really of an oscillating fan? the fan, in essence, is playing with your emotions, its like AH! your cool for a second,
now you are not,
now you are,
now you are not,
now you are.
i think i bought the dire ash gray fan more for the noise, in which i cannot sleep without anymore. i remember when my older brother and i were younger he used to fall asleep hours upon hours before me and immediately made this grovel/car-sputtering noise which irritated the piss out of me.
so i begged my mother for a fan, thus my first addiction was established. i do not know which made me more upset- the onslaught of engine noises he emanated from his throat or the fact he was that kind of sleeper that he could fall asleep right away.
i adored my older brother but have never come so close to killing someone with a plastic toy ninja sword, in our small closet-like bedroom, as i did on those exasperating night's. more than twice i plotted to disassemble the rotating fan and stab him with the plastic blade, or at least break off the knob in his throat. i never did.
we were but kids and still i felt worried about everything around me, and always right when i tried to lay down for the night. i think most kids worried about if the boogie man or some other ominous monster loomed about in the closet, or that they wouldn't be the first ones out to the tether ball court out @ the bus stop or worse...
that the other kids at school would make fun of them for something they wore, said, or cultivated upon their face the night before; as was very popular in middle school.
as for me, i began to worry about little things from early on. @11 years old i was concerned about einstien's theory of energy remaining after death thus concluding the possibility of an afterlife, or if the cambrian era could honestly disprove darwin and the theory of evolution, or worse...
what the kids at school would make fun of me for about the next day for what i will wear, will say, or for my newest edition to the family upon my face. i rarely got these beast's called 'pimples' but when i did they were so massive that once while trying to get into the movies the guy at the ticket window wanted to charge me double. one for me and one for my developed friend accompanying me.
so, it wasn't that bad. but in middle school it always felt that way.
i still remember, and to this day wonder if anyone else had ever done this; when i was a kid we lived in a two story house and each night before bed my brothers would always send me upstairs first. i would pretend like i was not scared of going up the old unnatural rickety stairs by myself. so on my way up the haunted stairs, and right before i got to the top i would say in my deepest voice;
"ok, i've got the whole place surrounded, come out with your hands up." and upon doing so pretend to call for backup in my imaginary walkie-talkie, complete with the static induced 'kkkkuccccct' sound at the end of each sentence.
i did all this because for some reason i always thought that some escaped convict, or spawn of satan phantasm, was hiding out upstairs and might truly believe and fear that the whole place was really surrounded by the local police force.
the enigma is that being 11 the low tonal
"ok, i've got the whole place surrounded," probably sounded more like a prepubescent mickey mouse after a helium balloon than any one on the local police force, ever.
nevertheless i still find myself to this day calling for backup when exploring new dark places @ night by myself, complete with 'kkkkuccccct' static.
now it seems to me that when i wake up i am usually pondering the same nonsense that i fall asleep thinking about. my thoughts are much deeper, like did i shut the garage? do i have to work tomorrow? do i have an STD?
you know... deeper.
so here i sit, on the side of my bed with all three phases of sleep in my near past, and my blankets distraught around the bedpost as if i was pedaling an exercise bike in my dream. is it so bad to look forward to sleeping the next night?
lately i don't want to be awake at all, my head feel's bludgeoned and i can actually feel the muscles in my enfeebled pale arms getting weaker. i would attempt a pushup but that would require some sort of energy, and motivation.
a "im up, what more do you want from me?" sticker hideously controls the back of my door, and i always tell myself to tear it down. my roommate/ awarded older brother put it on there as a joke, but now i view it as one of those inspirational-quotes that major corporations hang on their employees cubical thinking that it is honestly going to inspire after the second day.
perhaps it sum's up the extent to which i am motivated. "im alive, what more do you want from me world?"
it's a glorious and underrated mantra regardless.


Kathryn said…
I want to keep reading!

Honestly, it's amazing. Plus I can relate to pretty much everything. The phases of sleeping and all. The waking up but not really waking up. I even sleep with a fan for the sound. Even in the winter when I'm freezing. And I'm not even kidding.

Anyways, I can't WAIT to read the entire book, the writing is wonderful and nothing's boring. Everything's easy to relate to.

All in all, I love it. People are gonna want to read your book.
strangelynormalsteph said…
Love it! Very tongue-in-cheek...can't wait for the book!
Anonymous said…
this is exactly the kind of book i like to read
Chris said…
Hey Stephen, have a good time writing that book! I want to read it.
Rachel said…
I'm reminded of Marcel Proust. <-- This is a neutral comment. I would like to read more...

But the title is what interests me most. I want to see what it means...or what it says.

To the orphaned anything (?) / the narrator of ch.1: I don't announce a warning at the top of my stairs for any possibly dangerous characters hiding there. But if I'm all alone in the house (and even sometimes if I'm not) - when I walk in the bathroom, I rip the shower curtain open hoping that any robbers or kidnappers hiding there will be startled long enough for me to make a run for it.
trang said…
wow. this is a book that i can't wait to get my hands on.

the first chapter already has me hooked. i can't wait til you finish it. you are an amazing writer
guard my dreams said…
im very curious as to the meaning of the title, as well as drawn in by the incredibly written first chapter. i can relate to quite a few of the topics discussed in this opening chapter, especially the addiction to a fan. i am the exact same way, to the point that i will lay in bed shivering because the fan will be blowing away even in the dead of winter.

i cannot wait to read the rest of the book! will you be posting more of it for us to enjoy?
AWretchLikeMe said…
Ah! When in the "spring of '08" is this going to be released? I want to keep reading.

PS-My roommate can't sleep w/o the fan on. It's probably the one problem we have in our relationship. Such is dorm life.
themockingbyrd said…
Interesting. I'm intrigued to be sure. The protagonist is suitably compelling, for sure.
kelliemarie said…
this makes my day.
ah. you put the way many teens, adults, and middle school think in to words. wonderful and witty. i'm excited to enjoy the rest.
Chris said…
Enjoy your writing. Looking forward to Spring '08!!
Sarah said…
I read this from your myspace.... its great. I'm looking forward to reading more .
Lauren said…
I like it a lot! Very descriptive and relatable! Like everyone else I am quite excited for Spring '08 when I can read the rest!

- Lauren
I'll be interested to read the rest. As of right now I'm confused as to what the point of the book is. I guess I'll just have to wait.
Anonymous said…
I liked what there is so far very much! Can't wait to see more, I'll definitely be reading this when it comes out. Fantastic stuff.
someone likes dave eggers :) Can't wait!!!
Anonymous said…
it sounds like something Seinfeld would Write. Hmmmm, Interesting
I'm definitely ready for this book. I'm glad you're finally writing one.

Who's the publisher?
William said…
wow i cant wait to get my hands on this...
i love your writing style..ur mind must be a theasauras. the fan bit made me laugh..cant wait for the rest! peace and love eve
Lizzy said…
i like it.
dana said…
This is so well written! I love the lovely use of language coupled with the mood of the character...makes for a very good read; please tell us when we can preorder!
Latrina said…
Wow, Stephen. You're a wonderful writer, your words engulfed me. I wanted the chapter to go on and on, I can't wait to read your book. :) Your writing style is so unique, it's quick, it's honest, and addicting.

I could so relate to the character in this chapter & I am looking forward to the spring now. :) Thank you!
Brian said…
i'm real excited about the book.. - one of my favorite memories of '07 is when i printed out all of the Modesty archives.. and on a handful of trips to my favorite lowkey hangout (a nearby mall that's forever deserted) i'd bring sections of it and read it after lunch at the food court.. - i really looked forward to those quiet afternoons of self-reflection..
Anonymous said…
hi stephen. this is a really great start to your book. i like the style you've written in, i find i enjoy books written this way. whatever "this way" is. it seems to be a flow of thoughts continually spilling on to the page (the screen?), all stringing together to give a story. make any sense? and they are relatable thoughts, which makes it that much better. i laughed inside when the character talked about his "jijune" job. i am currently at my jijune job reading about jijune jobs, so i laughed. i 100% feel the same way about my daily grind...

also, the bit about the fan is classic. i am addicted to an air purifier in my room. not so much for the purifiying, but for the noise of it. just last night i took one step into my bedroom to go to bed and said "why isnt the air purifier on?" its like i cant even be in the room without that white noise.

so, great job, i know it will be a good read, spring '08 cant come soon enough.
"it seems to be a flow of thoughts continually spilling on to the page (the screen?), all stringing together to give a story."

Interesting, I thought I would comment on this, because this is actually a technique known as "stream of consciousness". I've been reading some works by James Joyce, and he does this a LOT.
Im hooked...
The title caught my eye and the writing captivated me.
It's relatable.Which makes it more personal and more enjoyable.
Beautiful work.
Can't wait until Sprin '08
Heather said…
I can definitly sense some Dave Eggers in this.
I like it.
Anonymous said…
stranglynormalsteph, thank you so much for the technique name, i knew there was one out there. I'll have to check out the author you mentioned. thanks again.
Klon re said…
I really like it! I really like the way things are described, but whats the point of using words that you censore yourself. With those in there, it would take convincing of my mom to let me buy the book that....
"stranglynormalsteph, thank you so much for the technique name, i knew there was one out there. I'll have to check out the author you mentioned. thanks again."

Anytime. I've read his works in my AP English Lit class, so now I know the term =)
M. Shotliff said…
Now I have another thing to look forward to this spring...and a reason to break my Marion Zimmer Bradley addiction!

Phenomenal chapter, though the occilating fan bit nearly got me in trouble in class. Breaking into sudden laughter during lecture--I've learned--is a bit of a faux pas.
Elodie said…
Can't wait for the rest of the book. =]
chris said…
im really enjoying this, the finished project will be a success to say the least :)
leoland said…
someone already said it i think but i smell a tinge of dave eggers (not a bad thing haha). i dont know maybe it's just the stream of consciousness thing (also not a bad thing). whatever it is. i like it. a lot. can't wait to read the whole thing!!
Kim F said…
I love that even as you delve into fantasies old and new, you still come up for air by giving yourself a healthy dose of reality. very poignant and amusing. much looking forward to new stuff. keep it coming!

best of luck with the inspiration. I can completely relate...
Raechel said…
Love the tinge of James Joyce. :)
WOW. Im not usually one to read very ofen or look forward to books, but you did it. Can't wait!
miss lynn said…
Well, I hear you when it comes to the strnage sleeping patterns. However, I usually wake up looking like I just went skydiving and fell-splat- out of the plane. I am very excited about your book. It has the quirky humor and honesty I enjoy and reminds me a little of Don Miller.
audrey said…
"i'm alive, what more do you want from me world?"

such is my life.
i can't stop thinking about this!
Lauren said…
Wow I can not believe how amazing the first chapter was. This is definately going to be a book that I will not want to put down. I am very impressed. This is coming from a 16 year old girl who has a hard time finding books that can actually relate to me and that are interesting and that dont have the nonsense that teenage fiction does. This is definately a book that is a lot deeper and mature, exactly what I have been looking for. Can't wait for spring '08!
tehillim said…
we dont know each other, but i am really proud of you.
Anonymous said…
How Stephen Chbosky is that.
Anonymous said…
I like it. Make sure that the cover is beautiful too :) And (as an adult with ADD, ha) I'd like to bring this under your attention (and no, no pro or anti medicine stories just a matter of spelling-->)
Anonymous said…
interesting thoughts!

random question...

"now i simply see the availability of ridlin as more of a glorified baby-sitter than anything else."

Luke A said…
I know the feeling, I've shared a room with my brother on and off for about twenty years. He falls asleep as soon as he lays down and then he snores like a train throughout the night.... Anyway, it looks like the book is going to be good.
Anonymous said…
You're an amazing writer. I'm going to get this book the day it comes out.
Haha, you are NOT the only person in the world who sleeps like that. Apparently, I sleep in fetal position (head in my lap, arms around myself) and I wake up like that every morning. I thought I was the only one too!
rachael said…
Hey Stephen,
When are you going to cut your hair? You are probable the only person 30+ with a "scene" haircut. Your music isn't pop-punk anymore, more like post-punk. Therefore you might consider going for more of an indie cut. Anyway, the book looks like it's going to be great. Seems really raw and honest. I am impressed.
clarissa said…
I mean, I know I'm like, a million miles away due east but hey... I read this and MAN, I was blown away. Good Lord.

Keep going, bub! Yer doin' a great job. Howdeh-ho! thumbs up*
Anna said…
love it. its so easily made me laugh at some points, but more importantly, it made me think..
i'm looking forward to more. :)
T said…
i like this style of writing too. almost reminds me of holden in the catcher in the rye. very good writing.
Anonymous said…
i'm really looking forward to this book! it sounds so great already. you write like one of my friends (don't worry, that's a compliment) :)
Anonymous said…
1. stephen is 27, not quite 30+ yet.
2. most people agree he looks better with long hair
3. why complain ,about his appearance of all things, on a blog about his writing?
Anonymous said…
stephen's hair is gorgeous.
Lauren said…
*rapes you*
Anonymous said…
can't wait to read it! please please please have that available in Singapore
Anonymous said…
"tent knees" = my favorite. =) This is certainly intriguing. Write-on my friend! ;)
amandaoftheyear said…
I can't wait for Spring '08. I have been hunting for a good book to read and this seems to be just what I've been looking for.

I love novels like descriptive. And something I can (sadly) relate to.

Bravo, Stephen! It's wonderful.
Jenny said…
It's very easy to relate to (since I figure i had a mid-life crisis at the age of about 15 due to pondering the vastness of eternity during the hours that I tend to classify as "stupid o'clock") and it is also has a very good structure.
HOWEVER, Stephen, grammer!! It makes me laugh & cringe & want to cry all at the same time!! (explaination- Always had a "thing" about grammer and have just completed modules in both proof-reading and copy editing at university ha ha.)
Appologies for the nit-picking and I will most certainly be picking up a copy ^_^

Anonymous said…
Your word choice is incredible and the scenario is realistic; even I can relate to no being able to fall asleep because a million thoughts are rampaging through my mind and assaulting my conscience over and over again and I have to think of black nothingness in order to chase them away, perhaps forever. You are a great writer, in your msic and your book, and I hope to publish my own book someday. Do you have any advice for a fellow aspiring author?
rubylis said…
can i edit your book?

but seriously, i've loved reading your blog since i discovered it.

i think it's great that you're writing a novel. you have such an interesting perspective on things, and a great talent with words; i can't wait to read more.

if you're ever back in the homeland, i just moved to the area about 4 months ago. we can drink way too much coffee and tea and talk about life, which, in all it's messy existance, gives anyone a lot to talk about. =]
Anonymous said…

For an educated rock muffin you are the WORST at spelling :D The 11-year old Einstein pondering recollection comes off a little high-horsey and pretentious but it is YOUR book so my take is negligible. I'm sure the cathartic benefits of this book are/were amazing. I look forward to supporting this project and appreciating what you choose to share.

All the love in the GALAXY,
Karen said…
now I want to read the rest of the book...and for some reason I love the title.

oh random comment- I absolutely love the perks of being a wallflower too! it's one of my favorite books.
readtome said…
I loved every word, the title is great. Someone said way down there "what is the point?" Maybe this is not for him. I loved it.
Krista said…
Wow Stephen this is some great writing. I can't wait to go and get the book. I love reading books like this..they are very insightful and refreshing to read. The title is a mystery to me and getting a chance to read the book and making sense of it all is what intrigues me the most. Wonderful work so far!
Kat said…
It's so strange, because for as long as I can remember, I have listened to Wouldn't It Be Nice or a Beach Boys song every morning before I start my day.
Scary how these things work, isn't it?
Jess said…
i really cant wait to get the book now. it really is what i personally love and enjoy to read. just the way it is written and the descriptions are so incredibly precise that i completely understand what you mean and can relate it.
thank you stephen! =)
-JEss- said…
I love this.
I'm taking this to english class with me this tuesday to be presented as a "good writting" cause my teacher told us to bring in something that we consider as good writting.

thank you stephen.
Tsianna said…
I'll send you a message after I read it =) I have a list of things to read though, plus I'll have to buy it. Looking forward to it!
Sarah said…
Interesting. I like it.

About, going into unknown dark places, and saying you have the place surrounded. Strangely enough, I do it to. Even though I'm past the age of being afraid of "monsters" or what "lurks below" I still find myself, bolting up the basement stairs as fast as I can, and shutting the door very quickly. Those strange mind games, are quite frightening sometimes, but also, to an extent,
Thank you for inspiring me with your depth of thought. Your depth has given me permission to ask the unasked questions.

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