Thursday, January 04, 2007

true love is the only just and holy war.

i am so fascinated by love, this entity we all seek, and in some cases destroy. i think one of the greatest things about love is the aspect of vulnerability. we are opening ourselves up to someone that we have only encountered recently in the grand scheme of our life. up to this point we have known every thought, feeling, and action of ourselves; and then someone enters our little kingdom and demands to know and cohabitate in our thoughts, be apart our feelings, and create memories together.

    carl jung once said "when there is love there is no power. when there is power there is no love." i find that to be my favorite quote by mr jung to date. what i think he is trying to say is that when love is present we are inclined to do what is best for that other person, our motives and self centered behavior is soon replaced by the life pursuits of another entity, another human being. we have no power because we want no power. we choose to remain helpless to our own internal motives, we lower our defenses, we surrender our individuality for the greater good of the unity between two organisms.

     the opposite "when there is power there is no love," is also true. when one of the two beings in a relationship began to be in complete dominance of the other i believe something is amiss, now please don't confuse leadership with dominance. just because one of the parties in a relationship leads the relationship does not mean that he/she ('she' because in some cultures such as the indigenous alaskan tribes the female leads the community) is overpowering or overbearing. in fact correct leadership makes decisions based on what is best for my family/community/tribe and NOT what is the best decision for me. when there is an lob sided overpowering in a relationship, than the formidable force does not relinquish any judgement or decisions to the subjecting power, in this way physical, mental, verbal abuse usually follows to establish cave-man like dominance. when this occurs i believe, much like jung was insinuating, there is no love.

      dr. keen, a notable journalist for psychology today once said, "authentic love is a dance with three movements: solo, counterpoint, and coming together. leave any one of the three movements out and you destroy the dance. in a love relationship, people stand alone and apart from one another, enter into respectful struggle with each other and rejoice in their interdependence. in love, "no" is married to "yes", elemental forces like flint and steel meeting but not mixing; an encounter in which i and though stand firm."  

solo- i believe that there needs to be a point to finding oneself, a journey in solitude, away from ones family and friends where a boy becomes a man, a girl into a women. i think too many times girls never become women because they never leave the shelter of their father and instantly assimilate into the shelter of a husband, meanwhile never learning what it is like to live on their own under the shadows of responsibility, financial decisions, and most importantly their own individual passions. how is anyone going to make someone else happy until they themselves know what makes them happy? why do we pursue a lifetime commitment without knowing what they themselves want to accomplish in this lifetime? the Bible says "seek and you will find." in light of that there needs to be a time of seeking before one can inevitably find someone to spend the rest of their days with; and by seeking i do NOT mean seeking out someone to be in a relationship with, but seeking life on your own. in lamens terms (& like i have said before) do not look for mr. right until you have completelty devoloped mrs. right. in the same fashion do not pursue mrs. right until you have developed mr. right.

counterpoint: finding love involves a point of adaptability, cohesiveness and compatibility. but no matter how much a person is opposite or alike there is always going to be some type of friction in a relationship. no relationship is going to be perfect, even the most fairy tale of sweeping romances will one day have the "its your turn to take out the garbage," or "i told you you were going the wrong way,"  discussion at some point or another. but that is not the moment when one should give up, just because you argue does not mean that they are not the ones for you, or that you were not meant to be. a great book for newly engaged, lovers, or the married is "the 5 love languages" by gary chapman. i think it goes into great detail as to where and how one views love, and the importance they place on different attempts at affection.

coming together: this happens only after you have realized the positive and the negative in the relationship, only after the moment (much like in the motion picture 'eternal sunshine for the spotless mind') when you say "OK" to each other's faults and accept them for who they are. good and bad, rich or poor, till death do you part. commitment. a vow before heaven and earth. but what an amazing experience, when you not only feel love, but decide to love the other person completely, and for ever. that is coming together.

and when the sun set's and the warriors return with their swords sheathed to their camp to rest, we look back at this battlefield in all its glory, all the bloodshed, and the dried tears, realizing only then that true love is the only just and holy war worth fighting.
-esteban

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

you havent written about love in quite some time... nice to see again

David Malcolm said...

Oh the joy of love. Or rather the inconvenience of love. There's nothing like that feeling of, "Wow... I like them, I think, I hope they like me too." At the same time there's nothing like knowing that at any point you may discover that the feelings you thought were mutual were all one sided. I think the thing that scares me most about love is not the thought of being vulnerable, if anything it's something I long for. The thing that terrifies me is being vulnerable and allowing myself to deeply care for someone, and having them turn around and either not understand my feelings, not share them, or flat out reject me wholesale.
That's by far my biggest fear. I guess that's because that's been the consistent theme of my romantic life. The worst part is that it typically takes a fair bit before I allow myself to care about someone on that level, so when I find that my feelings aren't returned it tends to hurt a lot. As if it weren't bad enough the feelings generally aren't returned because they've realized just how amazing of a friend I am, and couldn't possibly think of me as anything other than that friend who they adore and could talk to about absolutely anything, including the guy that they have been eyeing... siiiigh... I think I need to start being more of a jerk.

loveenduresall said...

Stephen,
Well it looks like you are growing in that area of your life and that is wonderful. Helping others is what you do and this blog posting is awesome!! It is nice to see you talking about love, that is always something worth talking about. Keep it up sir, love is the best thing to talk about and as your blog says the only thing worth fighting for, and that is not only in regards to a man and woman but the love of humanity,in general. And yes I agree 100% about women and men growing up and being on their own prior to a life long commitment, because if you dont know who you are and what you want then as you said how will you make someone else happy, because you have yet to find yourself and be happy. You always make me think and smile. Thank you. -A :)

Anonymous said...

i more than like you.

Antoinette said...

Love is overrated at my age. People mistake their relationships for love so easily. I have liked people, but I can't say I've ever been in love or even close to it; I don't think there's an age limit for who can be in love, but it does take a certain amount of maturity.

MH said...

Love is a great thing, especially in the sense that you discussed it. However, I'm going to side with C. S. Lewis and offer a word of caution: "Love ceases to be a demon only when it ceases to be a god."

Anonymous said...

One problem with your post: You mention a completely developed Mrs. Right (or Miss Right)and a completely developed Mr. Right. But I believe there is no such thing as having arrived as a "right" person because a person who is truly "right" is continually changing, evolving and growing as an individual. For a person to declare that they "have arrived" is a reflection of one's arrogance and ignorance.

With that having been said, I find it odd that you were in my dream the other night.

Sarah Noel said...

I really enjoy discussion on this topic. I agree with what you said in regards to finding oneself rather than jumping into a relationship at first chance. About a year ago I posted, on my blog, a piece with common threads to your post. I wrote:

"I am not in a relationship right now, and haven’t been for a while now because I’ve needed time to set my own foundation. I feel it so important to be my own complete person before I enter a relationship. So many are looking to be completed by means of a significant other; I don’t think this works."

The time I spent creating my own foundation was valuble and it meant, for me, not dating for three years. Now I find much more peace in my realtionships. Not that they are necessarily easier, for there will always be aspects that prove challenging, rather more promising (or some other phrase i can't put into words.

either way, thanks for sharing

Daniel (seeker) said...

I read what you wrote, and it was good.

I'm a fan of the triangle love God being at the top, and the two bases being held together by the individuals. As they climb towards God, they grow closer together.

sj. said...

this post brought me to tears. a reflection of what i was attempting to do not so long ago. run from under my dad's leadership to that of a husband perhaps out of fear that if i tried to step out and be my own person i might fail miserably.

but things have since then been different and i agree, one needs to be a complete and whole person before attempting to find their significant other.

it does say TWO become ONE not two halves make one. :)

Thank you for sharing.

I pray you have the most amazing experience in India and that it would be a fruitful trip.

Twenty-six isn't enough said...

"There can be no peace of mind in love, since what one has obtained is never anything but a starting point for further desires."
-Marcel Proust

Nina said...

i have to say that this is a very interesting piece. for me personally, it speaks a lot of truth, truth that i have recently found in my own life. i've been bruised by relationships, but in getting to know God, i in essence am beginning to know myself. c.s. lewis once said "The more we let God take over, the more truly ourselves we become-because he made us." i feel your comment on growing to be mrs. or mr. right speaks to this. moreover i just want to say i appreciate your writing, and it is always comforting to know that we are not alone in our thoughts and emotions. God Bless.

Sandy said...

Through all the stages and phases up to this point in my life - all the many ways I've tried to seek, hate, hide from, ignore, and accept love the most dominant truth is that: love is there. Whether shared with another person, or left to grow solo in my own heart it isn't something that goes away. I can't pretend not to notice it, or be in awe of it. I simply draw from what it leads my soul to.

Your blog was lovely. A true romantic.

"I feel that when I'm old, I'll look at you and know the world was beautiful."

- Sandy

Min Lee said...

Awesome blog.
Thank you!

Mikey said...

What a great post! It's a great insight on how to approach relationships.

thanks

Eric Taylor said...

Very well thought out...excellent point of the importance of finding what you yourself appreciate before you rely on another to pursue it. It's interesting to take an in depth view of love, especially when we realize that we "love" a particular type of food, or that we "love" our precious reality show that comes on every week. This is common and understandable, but the word love can be thrown around until the word has lost it's meaning. Much of the youth will claim their love instantly and be broke up within a week. I am particularly fond of these verses: Song of Songs 3:5- "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Love is so compelling to us all by nature that in the want of it, we rush to embrace it. It actually states that love shouldn't be rushed 3 times in Song of Songs. Another I like is Psalms 20:6 "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Many people will claim their love until their face is blue but there has to be faithfulness and total devotion. Just some random thoughts and I "loved" the blog :)

Andrew Crabtree said...

I think that we often mistake "comfort" for love in relationships. Once we are with someone long enough to feel comfortable in that relationship we automatically assume it is love. I think there are relationships that end everyday, everywhere around us, because people are unable to make the distinction between love and comfort.

Ashley Punch said...

totally... it's true when you talk about love vs. power, love demands such vulnerability.
I think throughout my life so far i have often felt as though i was giving out far more love than i was receiving. Love can be taxing, but at the same time i feel as though it is what we're designed to do and to receive it is something our hearts yearn for. We have to make ourselves vulnerable,there has to be the chance of not getting something in return. I also think that often something has to be taken away from you before you can truly understand it's importance.
I still have so much to learn, i am definately still in that development stage.

Kim F. said...

I think a major inconvenient truth about love is how much the majority of us (sadly, myself included) hinge our entire happiness and fulfillment in love on the fleeting thrill of it all. It's ironic that many times people dive headfirst into something serious without even checking the cold hard facts. Where is the line between romanticism and smart associations? As a headstrong romanticist with realistic tendencies, I encounter this conflict...often lol

One of my favorite movie quotes: "the world moves for love. it kneels before it in awe."

Anonymous said...

That was a very good blog. Thanks for sharing! I totally agree with you that a person has to find themself before giving themself to someone else. Sometimes, it is like people are merely seeking comfort and acceptance as opposed to love. Your blog encouraged me to be patient and not to rush into random relationships. I want to become the person that God wants me to be first.

lizzy said...

i liked this entire piece, but especially what you said about girls never realizing their own personhoods. i've been struggling lately with my femininity, what makes me the woman i am, how much of who i am is tied up in gender... or gender stereotypes. i've been experiencing what you spoke about first-hand, conciously trying to discover the human and the woman God wants to make of me, before i engage myself in another serious relationship.

this whole piece rang very true for me. thank you.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed reading this blog on love. Because as I grow older I find that the only way that I would truly find my self is go into the world alone(without parents). Then the only way I will truly find the one I love, is when I find myself. Of whom I still looking for, my friends all have boyfriends and try to fix me up. Though it never last because I to busy trying to find out who I am and what I want out of life. So I guess I'm saying is thank you for making me feel less alone.

cameron matthew said...

I think I have to be the world's biggest idealisitic optimist when it comes to love.

I have experienced it only with friends and family, but one friend in particular. we were inseparable for months on end, and then we kind of couldn't stand each other for about a week. we got over it. she went to Europe for a week and I missed her like crazy. I went w/ her parents to pick her up from the airport when she got back, and again for months we were inseparable. and then it all started changing. we both knew we needed a break from each other, so we took one. and then she started dating this guy that couldn't be more wrong for her, in my opinion. they've been together for almost 6 months now and our friendship has been off and on. but as of last night, she doesn't want to be around me at all. I'm pretty much okay with it, I know we're both very different people now, but I needed her to do one last thing for me today, and she flaked.
I've told her this before, so I don't mind saying it here, that in a way, she was like my first love. we cared so much about each other and each other's well-being and even when I was so angry at her, I still loved her and just wanted what was best for her.

back to my original statement, I've always been single, never been kissed, and for the most part I'm okay with that. plus, I'm young, so it's not like necessary for me to have the 'love of my life' while still in high school. I know there's somebody out there for me, whether I find them soon or not for many years, and we'll have the greatest love story of them all. I know there will be ups and downs, of course, but the good will always outweigh the bad.

your post just helped reaffirm my optimism, and for that I thank you.
-candace

Andy Dickens said...

i do like when you talk about love. it seems to be one of your best subjects. you described it very well. we should find ourselves first before the time of love comes.
-i had a dream with you in it too