of broken halo's; a letter from beloved.

"I'm only a glimmer of the girl you think you know. I've fallen from grace quicker than newton's apple fell from the tree. Like it, I did not fall far, but I fell quick, and hard.
What happened? Where did my innocence go, or was it only feigned all along? In the last four months I've gone from angelic grace to a furious decadence. I imagine my flowery prose is making this all sound much worse than it is, though. It seems normal for 'kids' to be drinking, smoking, and having sex by this age. I guess I still pale in comparison to the general population, I just feel like I've let myself down.
I drank, not a lot, but my intent was to get drunk. I partied a few times this summer. I had a casual relationship with a dear friend, and fortunately our close friendship survived the trauma.
'The bottle holds no answers, her lips can only sway ... desire is close at hand, his lips can only sway ... there's more to life than this, don't give your self away...'
I don't think words have ever spoken to me more clearly. The true path, the ethical path, the good path is obvious to me, but I don't know how much I care to follow it. That frightens me the most out of all these sudden changes. I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I will do it, and I can't figure out why on earth I wouldn't.
Do you practice what you preach? And why should I?"

my beloved,
at first i was not going to put this on modesty because of how personal i considered your heartfelt letter. but then i realized you are not the only one in this world that feels this way, or has felt this way.
a lie has appeared in your sonnet though. "It seems normal for 'kids' to be drinking, smoking, and having sex by this age."
what is normal? and if this is normal than call me a late bloomer or insane. either way, following what others around you participate in 1st makes you a decisively indecisive sheep, and 2nd i question who is truly in charge of your decision making and moral standards; you or them.
these are the days that one day you will regret. when you are older you will look at these times as 'nieve' but in the back of your mind it will be remorse that haunts you.
is sex bad? no sex is not bad @ all. i know, beloved, that you struggle with doubt in God but i personally believe that God made sex for mankind’s pleasure. but in the confounds of a committed relationship sealed in a vow.
is drinking bad? no, i love dark beers, and had a couple glasses of wine while watching the wilco documentary a couple nights ago. but did i get drunk? no, because i realize that there is no point. its a mind altering drug that conforms your mind into who you are not and what you don't necessarily want to do. ben franklin said "beer is one way we know that God loves us." he helped found our country. Jesus had wine, and even participated in creating it for a wedding. but in access it can "only sway." and if you know that you cannot handle this harsh poison than wait until you have learned self control.
smoking? i abhor it. there is nothing good that comes from smoking. sex is for procreation and pleasure between those in a lifelong vow. wine is said to be good for the stomach, and known to prolong life. smoking was popularized by weak minded conformists to tax other weak minded conformists. it destroys from the inside out. it is an outward appearance of the ignorance that resides inside. who, knowing that a particular time consuming product would literally take years off your life, would continue to use this toxin with such loyalty? what mind can fathom this?
you are an angel still beloved. there is grace, there is mercy. you feel like you have failed but i don't believe you have. if you do not learn from mistakes than that is the failure. but we will all make mistakes. and as for me practicing what i preach, all i can honestly say is ‘i try’. i try my hardest but i fail so miserably. all the time, every day. but i will get up, dust myself off and learn from my mistakes. i do not count myself as a failure, but as a saint. a saint with a broken halo and some very bruised knees.


Anonymous said…
..thanks. Though it was directed towards another, it's still an encouragement.
esteban said…
side note:
Pascal's Wager is the next step in this formula.
read about it and tell me what you think and how it relates.
MH said…
I'm running out of things to say that are both honest and exactly what I want to be said. Suffice to say a huge smile broke out on my face at your response to this person's letter, and I seriously wanted to come see you in person just to tell you what an amazing person you are and how much that kind of thing means.
alonsa said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
alonsa said…
You should try (if you have not already) reading Watchman Nee. He wrote a book called Sit Walk Stand. It is hard to describe but a great and truthful book.

To the Beloved...you are so not alone. I use to see myself as such a horrible person when I drank, smoked, or anything else. I would see guys do it it seemed ok...but for me it was wrong. I knew it was wrong but did not care. But it solved nothing. I still feel like I have no answers and a lot of temptation. I hope this makes sense. Good luck!
Janelle said…
You know, this really made me feel better about some similar things going on around me right now. Thanks.
Anonymous said…
Oh my, estaban. Such a great post. Human life amazes me so much. Your last sentence especially. Sorry I cannot form complete sentences right now, I'm almost speechless.
Anonymous said…
Kaila said…
I am speechless as well. I almost wanted to cry when I read this. I have the same thoughts run through my head. I wonder why other people can do things and not feel guilty and when if I were to do something like smoke or anything, I would feel so bad. And Stephen, your reply helped a lot. You never cease to amaze me.
Zach said…
Man, thanks for being so real in a world of conformists. You give hope, man. I think was amazing is the fact that all that you said was more or less scripture retold.

Grace is a beautiful thing, and I often think that it's something that we lose grasp of so easily because we don't understand it. Grace is loving when love should not be found. Prodigal son ashamed to come home is greeted by a RUNNING father. In the old times, it was a disgrace for a man to run. It was a sign of weakness. Walking was honor. Guys, when we fall, God runs to us! He loved us so much that he became us, taking the form of a man, and died on the cross so that we might live. THAT is grace and grace is for all and is given graciously to all who call upon the name of God.
Anonymous said…
I'm curious about where you're going with Pascal's Wager. I'm familiar with the concept, as well as its discrepancies. Basically, assuming one can simply choose what to or not to believe, does doing so on the basis of reward vs. punishment equate to true belief?
Anonymous said…
wow that is amazing.
thanks so much.
Anonymous said…
I went from going the straight and narrow path, and I totally screwed p and started walking backwards. I'm just now getting myself back on track... and being able to read what she/he felt as well as what you wrote really encouraged me. I can't even explain how much this hit home.
Anonymous said…
I let the pressures of being 17 get to me.

And even though it may have not been direct to me, it was so inspiring.

Thank you.
Eric said…
Wow, that is something that I really needed to hear right now. I also found that very inspiring. Thanks.
Beloved said…
Wow, I'm glad that my mistakes and confessions could help everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone.
beloved said…
Oh, well, I guess I would be glad if I were alone, as everyone else would not have gone through all that, but it feels good to know that I'm not alone.
dreams&tears said…
im amazed. Beloved: i think your letter is amazing in its honesty and its way of saying what so many people go through. Stephen: im amazed at your answer and the encouragement it brings. wow. thanks, to both of you.
Anonymous said…
people seem to be communicating with each other with honesty, this site seems a wonderful place.

to be honest myself, i don't know i can totally agree with you estaban. sometimes or perhaps all the time i want to stop being myself and disappear, i feel like hurt myself, damage myself, it is not that i serioudly want to die, but want to do anything bad for my body and mind. i never smoke, i drink little, but in such state of mind i maybe would feel like smoking and drinking a lot.
do people who smoke or drink too much do so because they want to do harm themselves, as i would feel?
or is it merely that i am a wrong creature?
haveing sex, it is not a good thing to me. i don't mean to deny what you wrote, i never mean, but i wonder why i can't understand the pleasure of sex. maybe any of those who i had sex with didn't love me, or because i don't love my life?

If this comment offend you, please delete it. If you could, delete me as well.
Anonymous said…
...I'm so glad you are a Godly man and I cant help but say I would love to marry you. You answered questions I had been asking my mentors for about a year now. Thank you.
Anonymous said…
thank you. to both of you.
Story of a Girl said…
a saint with a broken halo and very bruised knees... i like that !

You are right, everyone feels that way at some point for several reasons. We just all have to keep at it. ..

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