Thursday, September 08, 2005
of broken halo's; a letter from beloved.
"I'm only a glimmer of the girl you think you know. I've fallen from grace quicker than newton's apple fell from the tree. Like it, I did not fall far, but I fell quick, and hard.
What happened? Where did my innocence go, or was it only feigned all along? In the last four months I've gone from angelic grace to a furious decadence. I imagine my flowery prose is making this all sound much worse than it is, though. It seems normal for 'kids' to be drinking, smoking, and having sex by this age. I guess I still pale in comparison to the general population, I just feel like I've let myself down.
I drank, not a lot, but my intent was to get drunk. I partied a few times this summer. I had a casual relationship with a dear friend, and fortunately our close friendship survived the trauma.
'The bottle holds no answers, her lips can only sway ... desire is close at hand, his lips can only sway ... there's more to life than this, don't give your self away...'
I don't think words have ever spoken to me more clearly. The true path, the ethical path, the good path is obvious to me, but I don't know how much I care to follow it. That frightens me the most out of all these sudden changes. I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I will do it, and I can't figure out why on earth I wouldn't.
Do you practice what you preach? And why should I?"
at first i was not going to put this on modesty because of how personal i considered your heartfelt letter. but then i realized you are not the only one in this world that feels this way, or has felt this way.
a lie has appeared in your sonnet though. "It seems normal for 'kids' to be drinking, smoking, and having sex by this age."
what is normal? and if this is normal than call me a late bloomer or insane. either way, following what others around you participate in 1st makes you a decisively indecisive sheep, and 2nd i question who is truly in charge of your decision making and moral standards; you or them.
these are the days that one day you will regret. when you are older you will look at these times as 'nieve' but in the back of your mind it will be remorse that haunts you.
is sex bad? no sex is not bad @ all. i know, beloved, that you struggle with doubt in God but i personally believe that God made sex for mankind’s pleasure. but in the confounds of a committed relationship sealed in a vow.
is drinking bad? no, i love dark beers, and had a couple glasses of wine while watching the wilco documentary a couple nights ago. but did i get drunk? no, because i realize that there is no point. its a mind altering drug that conforms your mind into who you are not and what you don't necessarily want to do. ben franklin said "beer is one way we know that God loves us." he helped found our country. Jesus had wine, and even participated in creating it for a wedding. but in access it can "only sway." and if you know that you cannot handle this harsh poison than wait until you have learned self control.
smoking? i abhor it. there is nothing good that comes from smoking. sex is for procreation and pleasure between those in a lifelong vow. wine is said to be good for the stomach, and known to prolong life. smoking was popularized by weak minded conformists to tax other weak minded conformists. it destroys from the inside out. it is an outward appearance of the ignorance that resides inside. who, knowing that a particular time consuming product would literally take years off your life, would continue to use this toxin with such loyalty? what mind can fathom this?
you are an angel still beloved. there is grace, there is mercy. you feel like you have failed but i don't believe you have. if you do not learn from mistakes than that is the failure. but we will all make mistakes. and as for me practicing what i preach, all i can honestly say is ‘i try’. i try my hardest but i fail so miserably. all the time, every day. but i will get up, dust myself off and learn from my mistakes. i do not count myself as a failure, but as a saint. a saint with a broken halo and some very bruised knees.
Posted by Sven at 10:16 AM