Sunday, January 18, 2004

A Confused Identity
"Pen names, a stage name, an alias, all conceal the identitiy of what is real.
Hidden behind another name, preconceived notions and misconceptions are laid aside.
Finally, freedom is obtained to be anything because nothing is expected. One
becomes new, untainted by the past. For the past has faded away and only freshness
remains. Samuel Langhorne Clemons is my hero for he understands my position. I
like the brilliancy of writing to write rather than writing to be someone or
something in someone's mind. For when one reads and knows not the person behind the
words, it is only the words that are heard. And words want to speak without being
judged. But eventually the pseudonym becomes someone and a warped reality prevails
leaving the truth behind. Is it Samuel Langhorne Clemons or is it Mark Twain? And
if he is Mark Twain, then who am I?
Goodbye Modesty Blogspot"
~Katrina Marie Blank

touche, it is not the writer but the writings that matter here, but if an alias is needed than so be it, for we all enjoyed what you had to say.
' "why not go back to paris and find her?"
"it couldn't work out. . ."
why stephen, correct me if i'm wrong, but i do believe an intellectual decision has
been made and with that decision i welcome you to the choice cult.'
~ marie

touche marie, i have been outwitted yet once again

Friday, January 16, 2004

Frank Zappa once said:

" It's better to have something to remember than nothing to regret..."

*thanks ames for the quote(s)
" "its funny how i still look for qualities of her in other people, but the
person she is now is confusing, and i was in love with who she was; not who she
is. i would be chasing a pipe dream, a fairy tale which includes a time
machine. "
I have found that I do the same thing. Its hard to not compare someone to
another that you liked so much. You just love every quality about that person who
you "fell in love with" that you want someone to be the same so you still
have the person you lost.
"I personally call it lust at first sight since I think hormones play a
bigger part than an instantaneous connection."
I believe that is true. I don't really believe there is love at first sight.
In my opinion I believe when you get to know someone you start to love them.
So basically you are judging "the book by its cover" if you say it was love
at first sight. Which many people deny they do but if you say it was love at
first sight then obviously it is lust because you lust after that certain person
and what they appear to be at that moment not who they really are.

I have read this for some time now and I have been reading what people are
saying. I am in "lust" with a guy. He has yet to know and it kills me inside for
him not to know. I always think of ways to get him a lone and talk to him but
then I chicken out. I was questioning am I in love with the guy who I met a
long time ago or am I in love with the same guy. I think the statement love is
blind is so true. It blinds you from who the person really is and you see only
the good until you stop being in lust with that person. Then you see the bad.

"i used to tell people that i have no regrets, and would never regret
anything in my life. now i see i just needed to grow up and realize that regrets are
simply failures, and failures are a necessary part of life because we learn
from our mistakes. if we keep making the same mistakes and never learning then
we are a failure! so i can safely say i regret some things that i have done in
my past but i have learned and don't ever count the memories as failures
because i have learned... and moved on."
I like how you put that. It made me think a lot about how I tell people I
will never regret what I do. I really don't regret a lot. I have done some stupid
things for a sixteen year old but I still do not regret them. I feel you do
learn from you mistakes and grow from them. I know that I done see it as
helping me until I look back and see that I did fail. Its tough to admit it
especially if you are as stubborn as I am. I grow in my relationship with god, my
friends and my family by my mistakes. I think it takes mistakes to fully grow up
and become mature.
I liked how you said you don't ever count the memories as failures because
you have learned and moved on. I totally I agree even if they were failures in
my life I still learned from them so they are as good as the happy memories.
I'm not really sure how to end this so..."
- Jess"

thanks jess for your input, i like the book by the cover bit... looks and pseudo intellect can be so deceiving.

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one. "

written by: John Lennon
I think this is the communist manifesto put down into a song! *a brilliant song at that. i have been trying to learn this song, and one day it hit me. all the verses in the song have to do with either:
brotherhood of man/no possessions/sharing all the world= the theory of no private property/ everyone working for common good with no one person greater.
no religion/ no heaven no hell= karl marx said "religion is the opium of the people." communism calls for itself and philosophies to take the place of God and religion.
amazing song writer, and brilliant at politics obviously.
"Very Cool Post from "k-****"!! I recognize "fear of ending up alone" you know,
sometimes its so hard to trust God 100% and give your life over in His hands. Having
no control about it, asking God to lead it. I really want to do that, this post did
encourage me very much to trust God even more than I did, thank you k-**** "
"why not go back to paris and find her?"

it couldn't work out, she is not who she used to be at the days of the Eiffel. its funny how i still look for qualities of her in other people, but the person she is now is confusing, and i was in love with who she was; not who she is. i would be chasing a pipe dream, a fairy tale which includes a time machine. i am happy now, life moves on and i learn from the past. i used to tell people that i have no regrets, and would never regret anything in my life. now i see i just needed to grow up and realize that regrets are simply failures, and failures are a necessary part of life because we learn from our mistakes. if we keep making the same mistakes and never learning then we are a failure! so i can safely say i regret some things that i have done in my past but i have learned and don't ever count the memories as failures because i have learned... and moved on.
"Love at First Sight?
Love at first sight? What do you mean love at first sight? Do you mean the 6?4?
model I met at a dance club while I was on Spring Break? Do you mean the guy I
stayed up all night with on the cruise ship so that we could watch the sun rise? Do
you mean the summer fling that was ignited by Fourth of July fireworks? Or perhaps
the stranger who noticed me while I was waiting at the bus stop ? the one who came
and slipped his phone number into my hand and asked me to call him if I?d like to go
out for coffee sometime. Maybe it was the boy who rode my bus in 5th grade that
passed me a note asking if I would go out with him. Circle Yes No or Maybe. Maybe
it is the man in this story.

It is well past midnight. The others are probably wondering where we are, but I am
in no rush to leave. In fact, I wish this moment would never end because I know I?d
be happy staying in it forever. And I know you feel the same as you sit just above
and beside me gently strumming your guitar. The crashing of distant waves and the
crackling of the fire bring perfect harmony to the songs that you sing. The dune
enclosed around us bounces the light of the fire into your heart and into mine.
With my back against the log, I turn my eyes to the heavens and I see stars I?ve
never seen before. One shoots through the sky, but with this star I don?t make a
wish, because everything I want is true.

The fire begins to grow faint; only embers remain. So you strum the last strum and
tell me that we should probably head back. You pack up your guitar, sad to leave
this place behind, but I am still thankful for the walk that remains.

You lead me to the gulf?s edge with your guitar in one hand and mine in the other.
Careless words may ruin everything, so we choose to only allow are our hearts to
speak. Halfway back you set down your guitar and pick up my other hand. Our
fingers move about together while the moon shines in your eyes and connects with
mine. ?There?s something I want to tell you. . .? I wait expectantly, but not for
the words that follow. ?I have a girlfriend.?

I never wanted to learn how to play the guitar after that. I didn?t want to take
away its romance. But eventually I gave in and learned. And romance has been gone
ever since. "

that may be the best piece ever loaned to modesty. i had a smile across my face the entire time, and the "girlfriend" line completely caught me off guard. im sure it caught you off guard also. your right what is love at first sight? i personally call it lust at first sight since i think hormones play a bigger part than an instantaneous connection.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

stephen christian acoustic* w/ guests
the social
orlando florida
january 28, 2004
more info @
tickets at door

"I just borrowed Over the Rhine's "Ohio" CD from a friend. It's easily one of my
new favorite cd's of 2003. Very good emotional music with powerful lyrics. Im
totally referring it to all my friends. Right now that my type of musical taste, do
you have any suggestions?"

what a great cd that is. Angela Griner loaned it to me and i was instantly hooked into the lyrics. if you are looking for more along those lines please do yourself the biggest favor and go buy damian rice "O". it is an amazing cd and anyone in to the slightest bit of singer/songwriters or folk really needs to aquire this. also try dennison whitmer, josh tillman, saxon shore, anything off the label "burnt toast vinyl", damian jurardo, pedro the lion, or angela griner. these are a good place to start.

"It's been a few months since I last sent you an email, but this is the first time
I've felt the need to write something.

I've always looked at myself as the one least likely in the world to ever fall in
love, or much less be able to share the same feeling with that someone that I had
fell for. In a previous post someone said that god has timing for true love. Up
until a month ago I would have to say that True love was the biggest fraud of life.
Afraid of failure and rejection, I secluded myself from the people who wanted to
help me the most and from a world that wanted to make me just another mindless
drone. It wasn't until I opened my heart to some of the ideas of friends that I
truly began to live. I never believed in that dreaded four letter word fate and I
still don't fully believe in it. But I truly believe that I have true love, and that
it was partly through my decisions and through an act of fate. My next point is even
if you feel you have found some form of love that is genuine, its really hard to get
past the initial thoughts and questions about "is this really happening." Getting
over those
piercing thoughts and cherishing every minute of everyday in the struggle of a
relationship in the beginning. My only question is why so many people would end up
hating the one they loved so passionately. When something that you thought was
permanent ends the natural human response is to reject what has happened. Too many
times people look only at the negative of a failed relationship, but even if you
failed at your attempt for true love. Never forget the good times, memories are
only what you make of them.....
or maybe Im just a fool in a trance with the first stages of true love, this is too
much contemplating for one night....I have run out of things to say."
- ucfb

dear sir,
loves past is a conversation that feels like a twisting knife in my back when i talk about it, but for you i will enduldge. i should have been married by now, she was perfect *or so i thought. we met in paris france and after the most amazing night of my life (including but not limited to wine, strawberries, dancing on top of a building overlooking downtown paris, etc.) i was sure i was intoxicated with her. our relationship lasted for over a year and a half, most of it was the best times i have ever experienced in a relationship. we were naive which made love all the more a more applicable companion. her company was motivating and her intellect has yet to be matched in a long term relationship.
but now its over. time got the best of us and we ended on a bridge overlooking a highway going opposite directions. fitting. it was march 12, 2000 and ill never forget every word, every breath, every movement that took place... its as if time was in slow motion the entire evening.
bitterness and resentment were my new companions and i spent months recoiling from society. i was the summation of what you mentioned above on the aftermath of love.
but now. its been years and i still look for remnants of her in other girls. she has changed and i have changed. it would never be even if the stars aligned one last night. but i will never despise the time we spent together and i will never forget what it felt like to be in her arms on the eeifel tower in spring.
"Fate First, Followed By Intellectual Decision

Call it fate, call it divine appointment, call it whatever you would like. But
whatever you call it, somehow lifeÂ’s circumstances have led you to someone. And
they will continue to lead you to many different someone's. Some will make you weak
in your knees, twitterpated if you will, others you will allow to pass by going
unnoticed. But when someone does catch the attention of your heart and mind, choice
steps in.

Will he have the nerve to pursue this woman? Or will he allow intimidation and fear
of rejection stand in his way? And how will she respond? Will she run from him in
fear of falling in love and having her heart broken once more? Are both parties
ready to be committed to someone else? Has he fallen for whom she really is or has
her outward beauty seduced him? Has she fallen for him simply because he is showing
her the attention she desires? Or has she fallen in love, not with his
accomplishments, but with the man that he is?

Is a relationship even an option or does age difference or life calling stand in the
way? And can barriers, such a geographical distance, be overcome?
Is the person worth the sacrifice? Is the person worth the effort? Is the person
worth taking your own life and intertwining it with theirsÂ’? Hopefully some day we
will all have the opportunity to say yes to these final three questions, but until
then . . . "

M, so many questions- what happened to love at first site..This sounds more like love after first interrogation, which is love by choice not love by fate. assessing the other person, finding their positives and negatives, seeing if you can live with their flaws and not being able to live without their touch. my friend you have joined the choice cult.

"ofdeu r sffx tryynu "Cqn Onzveven Uvznebvfe fo cqn Uviven" sl Wfre
Nepnybzre, reu bxvzzvep cqafdpq vc V ofdeu cqrc bqn trzn dg jvcq cqann
gfbbvsvyvcvnb: 6. cqrc fen fo cqn znzsnab fo cqn Qfyl Cavevcl vb onzveven
(bqn ynrenu cfjraub cqn Qfyl Bgvavc) 7. cqrc Pfu qrb r onzveven bvun, fa 8.
cqrc ryy cqann znzsnab fo cqn Qfyl Cavevcl qrin onzveven rbgntcb. V ufe'c
xefj vo V odyyl parbg cqfbn 8 gfbbvsvyvcnb lnc, sdc cqnl tfdyu savep dg
vecnanbcvep uvbtdbbvfe.

Bfzncqvep cqrc V qru cqfdpqc rsfdc jrb jvbufz ve cqn Svsyn, reu qfj, yvxn ve
Gafinasb, vc vb ryjrlb anonaanu cf rb r "bqn." (Gafinasb 8:68-63 anryyl bdzb
vc dg.) Cqne, Gafinasb 7:1 bcrcnb, "Ofa cqn Yfau pvinb jvbufz reu oafz qvb
zfdcq tfzn xefjynupn reu deunabcreuvep." Jvbufz, fen fo Pfu'b zrve
rccavsdcnb, vb onzryn reu tfznb oafz Qvz."

wow i never caught that in proverbs. what about the society attributing GOD with that label, not himself? *HIMself.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

"...It's incredibly foolish and courageous to believe that there is someone out there
created for you and only you. I guess that makes me a courageous fool. I have seen
people in love, in a love that is so amazingly spectacular you know it's from God.
That's what I want. I believe with every breath in me that God is a hopeless
romantic. All he asks is that we wait on his timing, and if we do, he'll rip our
lives apart with love from every angle. A love much bigger, stronger, greater than
anything we could have asked for. Granted, taking such a leap of faith is easier
said than done, but I refuse to settle for a relationship built on lust which
arrogantly calls itself love. God knows all of me, he knows what I long for and what
makes my heart smile. He is the one who gave my heart it's yearnings and desires.
How awful would it be of me to believe that he's incapable of giving me someone who
is not only all I've ever dreamt of, but more. Letting your hopes settle on anything
less than a match made in heaven only serves to cripple God. I trust that whoever it
is that God has in mind for me is wildly better than who I could find for myself.
There is such a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and I
think people marry someone they love but aren't in love with out of fear. Fear of
ending up alone, fear of never feeling loved, fear of never finding anyone
better.... How that must make God's heart ache... "

"It's incredibly foolish and courageous to believe that there is someone out there
created for you and only you." by far my favorite line. -stephen

Sunday, January 11, 2004

' "maybe he is a she. yes!
and she has fallen madly in love with me and is searching the god's
for a way to become mortal,
and we will live out our romance in the south of france for eternity.
oh how suddenly am i in love with love!
i now realize i am only in love, with love."

That's so right. It's too right. I think it just hit me like a ton of bricks, it
took a few readings. Here are some things I've found the past few days.

"For love is blind and lovers cannot see"
-- William Shakespeare

Things are predetermined, right? loophole. I make mental lists of what I want in
life, in my career. Like a self fulfilling prophecy, also known as the Pygmalion
Effect. (Pygmalion, “who unhappy with the women in his city, decided to carve a
statue to be his wife, Galeata. Aphrodite granted his wish that the statue come to
life." And Hawthorne’s work, “Drowne’s Wooden Image”.) it's no wonder Dali's wife is
named Galeata. Art does imitate life. Serendipity, Down To You, how to lose a guy in
10 days, any teenage melodramas starring mandy moore. heh. but seriously.

Relationships take work. It’s like a plant you have to be patient with and watch it
grow. Mistakes are made. But all is fair in love and war. I guess it's only 'meant
to be' depending on how much each person WANTS it to be. So I will go with Choice.

"Love is blind
I want it all tonight and love is blind
Falls in love with itself again like it never should the way it always can
Oh and she is mine but the world is so much bigger now
Oh tell me should I hold her hand and give her love or take her heart and throw it
far away?"


I will not be writing to you anymore about these topics."

why not write more about this topic, you obviously have thought it through several times.
i think i am going to take sculpting classes now and befriend Aphrodite.

bf ofa r tfdgyn lnrab v qrin cqfdpqc cqrc cqnan jrb r onzryn bvun cf Pfu. Bqnxver pyfal, znatl ib. wdbcvtn, nct. rel cqfdpqcb? v qrin rybf anru cqrc gnfgyn rbbdzn cqrc rurz qru cqn brzn tqrartcnavbcvtb, ryy vetydbvin, sdc rocna cqn bgyvc snppfcvep nin, bqn cffx bfzn fo cqfbn tqrartcnavbcvtb.

"The Golden Ratio: The Story of Phi, The World's Most
Astonishing Number" by Mario Livio.

thanks J* for this tittle i will have to check it out/

Saturday, January 10, 2004

thank you a*, this concludes my study in the ratio.

Friday, January 09, 2004

i thought she would be here by now.
as if the gentlemen known as love had a time piece.
i wonder if he walks the street in solitaire, also.
i know he does not*
for if he did he would understand the lament in my heart,
and would be here, at least by now.
what if he is with his lover, by a fire.
she is reading to him, listening to vinyl
(an orchestra i presume, or at least something of mood).
he is busy. in love.

or maybe he is tired.
maybe i should not bother him,
he has had a long day at work and we all know love is manual labor.
he has clocked out working several jobs and is expected in kiev tomorrow.

i'd better not disturb him.
maybe he has bad vision.
maybe he is near sighted and i am not the flamboyant type.
well im must inquire as to an appointment for him
or a more boisterous shirt for myself.

maybe he is a she. yes!
and she has fallen madly in love with me and is searching the god's
for a way to become mortal,
and we will live out our romance in the south of france for eternity.
oh how suddenly am i in love with love!
i now realize i am only in love, with love.


further investigation may prove helpful.
does anyone get the connection thus far?
phi vs. Phi - a Coincidence?

Ancient and modern architecture reflect the 'golden ratio' (1.618
length to width) and this number is remarkably close to phi (.618...)
seen in nature for leaf dispersions, etc. Is this just a coincidence?

It's more than just coincidence: the golden ratio (as you define it)
is phi's twin, "Phi," where

Phi = (sqrt(5) + 1)/2 = 1.618...

phi = (sqrt(5) - 1)/2 = 0.618...

Phi = 1/phi

Phi = 1 + phi

The latter facts together give the definition of the golden ratio:

x = 1/x + 1

This equation (equivalent to x^2 - x - 1 = 0) is satisfied by both Phi
and -phi, which therefore can be called the _golden ratios_. Since
they are reciprocals, either could just as well be given that name.

Together, these are used in the formula for the Fibonacci sequence:

F[n] = (Phi^n - (-phi)^n) / sqrt(5)

*thank you amy for this research.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

"stephen, perhaps there is a combination of the two: fate and choice. maybe there
are some people that we're "destined" to meet, but it's up to us to choose to make
the effort with. there does not always need to be polar opposites in life.
sometimes, it's a little three dimensional. i like to think that i was meant to
meet my girlfriend. looking back upon how we met, it's really hard to think
otherwise. but then we made an effort to stick together for over a year with long
distance. now, she lives just down the road from me. it's pretty amazing. choice
and fate. it's a possibility."
-R orlando

I can see your point R, for those who believe in the Talmud they can remember the story of Isaac and Rebecca, it was fate for her to dip water for the camel and the manservant. For her to be there at the right place at the right time and be in the right blood line was more than clearly the hand of YWAH.
" 'Peace..I have escaped the thing of which you speak, and I feel as if I had
escaped a mad and furious master." --Cephalus (Plato's Republic)
Sadly, this is my vision of love. I realize that this sounds bitter, though
that is one thing that I'm certainly not. While love is something completely
welcomed, there is a definite peace that can be obtained by losing it.
Loss of love is supposed to be saddening, and loss of love is just that: a
loss. But it can certainly be argued that there is gain to be had in the
procurement of said peace. I feel about fate that this Peace will be felt
in an alternate direction; meaning that I'll not wish for any other peace
than the one felt with that person which 'fate" has granted me. I am a
little concerned that in all of my fickle nature that I might "choose" the
wrong option (and by option, I only mean yes or no) when faced with this
hypothetical being. I agree that it's a nice thought that there's someone
exactly complimentary to me, though it's in no one's best interest to get
carried away. For now, I'll stick to the choice theory, and pray that I'll
be shown otherwise. (mostly because I do not trust my judgment.)"
-jen seattle

i feel we share the same sediments. my mind says destiny is impossible but my heart still hopes.
"The golden ratio is very cool, Debussy (my all time favorite composer) used it a lot
in his music.

It amazes me how such a perfect ratio can possibly exist. There is something bigger
than us."


my GOD were on to something...
"That number you were writing about made me curious! and I have really no idea for
interjects, nothing. I searched just for fun by Google for that number, and the only
thing I found is that it's in a formula about a kind of wavelengths. seems a bit
unlikely to me that you did mean that, but who'll say. *waiting to hear more about

NO L!!!! there is so much more! please keep looking (*seek and ye will...). another clue is that this number is considered the "divine proportion"

Swarms of people stream by while I drudgingly wade through the crowd. I glance from
side to side wondering if he's passing me by. A few glances are returned, but with
each reply I know it's not him. I wonder if he's thinking the same as me,
questioning where is this person with whom my life is to be intertwined? Has
destiny slipped beyond my reach? We both wish that we would fall upon each other's
eyes and simply know the stranger we see, is no stranger at all. We'd halt in our
tracks and in silence acknowledge the soul standing in arms length away is finally
in reach of a life together. Tears creep from my eyes, for this is the moment of
fate that I have been praying for.

The Other Side

The man of wisdom stood before me, speaking words of truth and destruction - the
truth of his theology, the destruction of my hope.

"I could have married many different women and still remained in God's will.
There's not a 'the one' out there until you've chosen one and then at the words of I
do, she becomes 'the one.'"

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came into

Before we even came into being, God knew our life's course. He knows, but amidst
his omnisciency, He allows choices to be made. Although there may be a more perfect
spouse for everyone in this world, commitment supersedes wandering aimlessly year
after year wondering if this will be the year that the most perfect someone will
fall into view. The most intimate of human relationships is as the mystery of
Christ and the church - a mystery in which glory is given unto God. God is love and
a Godly marriage exemplifies Christ's love, as those who live in Him make his love

Yet the "enemy" prowls, perhaps even before the fate of realizing beauty. For it is
known that two beautiful people together will bring heightened beauty to this
sore-filled world. So as in the movie Serendipity, two individuals on two separate
elevators choose the same floor to build their future. But a child of "the enemy"
destroys the path of destiny by pushing buttons that delay the meeting until the
chance has forever passed. And both are left all alone.


how eloquently put, but what is the balance between faith/destiny/ and choice m?
how far do we let ourselves pursue? Do we sit back and wait for destiny (faith) to drop an open door upon our lap, or do we "seek and (you will) find"? God never told us who to love, but how to love. (love your neighbor as yourself, do unto others...)

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

"there are two things that give you choice in this world,
money & education."
-Dr. Hanczaryk

epiphany of the year thus far.
"misery expects company
this explains why you have friends.
the fact you exist is an outlandish fairy tale.
you invent new disgusts,
and any opposition to your self proclaimed truth
is tyranny.
when does ideal take shape?
when are you satisfied,
and who is this ficticious character standing in your way?
are you going to live the rest of your days in the shadow of your imagination?
you have exchanged blood, in a pact,
with crushed expectations.
you have become romantically entwined with self pity.
wake up o sleeper and realize that the one who slashed your hopes is
none other than the sickle in your left hand"
- Bernard L Everett

Monday, January 05, 2004

how a number can be a shot of life to my faith is beyond me, but it has. i would love to write more about this but refuse to write out of ignorance, so i am on my way to the library as of now to study this further. anyone have any input please feel free to interject. other than that you will hear more on this topic soon.
"the last time I slept in a bed, you were there to.
the last time I touched someone's lips, they were yours.
the last time someone made me smile, you were the reason.
the last time my heart beat faster, you were the cause.
the last time I have wanted you here with me, is every last moment since I have left"
-Salvitore Abimy'on
(translated by: aaa)
"architecture is much like frozen music."
"The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Friday, January 02, 2004

So choice vs. Destiny

I used to believe in this thing called fate, or destiny. A romantic Romeo and Juliet, and Monte and Veronica, etc. But now I feel a little jaded, maybe agnostic to the idea. But choice used to seem so unromantic, as if some mystic force was not behind the meeting of 2 beautiful individuals. But now I think choice is now the greater of the two simply for this fact: by choosing someone you are saying that out of all the people in the entire world I have decided that I want you apart of my life, for the rest of my life, and no one else. No haphazard circumstance, no chance meetings where distant planets align... Its simply two rational individuals who make a choice and an effort to remain together.
and for years I have convinced myself that choice is the better of the two. But now I want to believe in fate, that there is someone out there created with me in mind and vice versa.